Monday, May 20, 2013

Game of Thrones: Tyrion and Sansa Get Married, More Bad Things Happen to a Penis

Posted By on Mon, May 20, 2013 at 9:30 AM

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And now for the wedding of the century! Well, no. But, it is the wedding of Tyrion and Sansa who meet up before the ceremony. They're all dressed up. Sansa is still talking to Tyrion like she's his captive.

He tells her, "You don't have to speak to me like a prisoner anymore. After today you won't be a prisoner anymore. You'll be my wife. I suppose that's a different kind of prison." Which, yes. Very true. Marriage is a prison.

Moving on to the ceremony, Cersei and Margaery are standing in the chapel and Margaery calls Cersei "sister" and tells her, "You look radiant!" Cersei takes this as an insult. Which, sure, it probably is, but it also might not be. However, Cersei decides to take this opportunity to remind Margaery of a little Westerosi history—namely the truth behind the song "The Rains of Castamere."

Cersei begins, "The House Reyne was a powerful family. They were very wealthy; the second wealthiest house in Westeros. Aren't the Tyrells the second wealthiest house in Westeros now? Of course, ambitious climbers don't want to stop on the second highest rung. If only you could take that final step, you'd see further than all the rest, you'd be alone with nothing but blue sky above you. So Lord Reyne built a castle, larger than Casterly Rock. He gave his wife diamonds, larger than any my mother ever wore. Finally one day he rebelled against my father. Do you know where House Reyne is now?"

"Gone," says Margaery.

"Gone. A gentle word. Why not say slaughtered? Every man, woman, and child, put to the sword. I remember seeing their bodies, hanging high above the gates of Casterly Rock. My father let them rot there all summer. It was a long summer. If you ever call me sister again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep."

And that's why you don't fuck with Cersei. She grew up with Tywin Lannister as a father and dead bodies of men, women, and children dangling overhead. Cersei might not be as smart as she thinks she is, but she's still dangerous as all hell.

And so, the wedding. That little piece of shit Joffrey is giving Sansa away, replacing her father whom Joffrey MURDERED. Joffrey is just being the biggest little piece of shit ever and even removes Tyrion's little stool from the alter. That little piece of shit Joffrey did that so his uncle Tyrion would have trouble "cloaking the bride and bringing her under his protection." Basically, Tyrion couldn't reach Sansa's shoulders to put the cloak on. People in the audience laugh. People are jerks.

Anyway, based on that and the fact that Tyrion was forced into this wedding, ol' Tyrion's getting pretty damn drunk. Tywin thinks so too, and is not too happy about it, reminding Tyrion, "Your wife needs a child. A Lannister child as soon as possible." Sexy times ahead? I guess they'd better be.

But not quite yet, because that little piece of shit Joffrey continues to be a total little piece of shit and starts to make a big ruckus about undressing Sansa and preparing her for the marital bed. Tyrion becomes enraged and flat-out threatens Joffrey, saying that if Joffrey touches Sansa, "Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock."

So, yikes. That little piece of shit Joffrey is incensed, but Tywin defuses the situation and Tyrion and Sansa head up to bed where they don't sleep together. In fact, Tyrion passes out on a chaise longue and Sansa sleeps alone and when Shae comes in to changes the bedsheets the next morning she is pleasantly surprised not to find virginal blood everywhere, which, cool. I too am glad we didn't have to see that.

Hey! Look! It's Sam and Gilly and the baby with no name who will definitely not be named after Sam's dickhead father even though "Randall," says Gilly, is "a great name." Anyway, they've made it as far as one of those trees that looks like it bleeds. They're going to rest for the night. A crow flies by. As does another. Sam and Gilly and the baby are inside a little hut and all they hear from the outside is that the crows are going crazy. Until they're not anymore. Suddenly, the crows are silent. Which, of course, is even spookier. So, Sam goes out to investigate and sees a White Walker.

"It's come for the baby," says Gilly.

She's right. Sam tries to get in between the baby and the White Walker with his sword, but that doesn't work. What does work, though, is the dagger made of dragonglass that Sam found at the Fist of the First Men. Dragonglass is White Walker kryptonite! No time to celebrate, however, because it's still a terrifying encounter, so Sam and Gilly and the baby go running off through the woods, crows flying right behind them. Which, in case you didn't know, a flock of crows is called a murder of crows. Because, of course it is. Ahhhh!

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