Monday, June 10, 2013

Game of Thrones: The Mother of Dragons and a Dick In a Box.

Posted By on Mon, Jun 10, 2013 at 10:00 AM

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Here we are, up north at the Nightfort with Hodor (who is shouting "Hodor!" down a well, which is exactly what I'd do too), Jojen and Meera Reed, Summer, Bran's direwolf, and Bran, who is nervous about staying at the Nightfort. He tells story of the Rat Cook, which is basically about a cook of the Night's Watch who killed a prince and cooked him in a pie and served that pie to the king. This all happened at the Nightfort. The gods didn't look to kindly upon that act and transformed the cook into a rat who was then cursed to spend eternity with an insatiable hunger that could only be satisfied by eating his own rat children. Cool! Meera says that this can't be true because the gods can't go around cursing every murderer. But Bran points out that the gods did it that time because the Rat Cook did an unforgivable thing. Cooking a boy and feeding him to his own father? No. Bran explains that the Rat Cook was so vile because: "He killed a guest beneath his roof. That's something the gods cannot forgive."

And so, transitions! Here we are in Walder Frey's home. Man, how I want to see him suffer like the Rat Cook. Walder Frey is the worst. Well, one of the worst. Roose Bolton comes to talk to him and steps over the old women who scrub blood from the floor, trying to make clean what can never truly be clean again. Bolton and Frey talk about the aftermath of the Red Wedding and we learn that Edmure Tully is being held captive in the dungeon but that the Blackfish escaped. We also learn that Bolton was not dead set against Robb Stark, but that Robb "ignored his advice at every turn. If he'd been a trifle less arrogant..." Oh, Robb. Why didn't you listen to anyone? Why was your honor all that you thought about? I guess there's no point in thinking about that now.

Anyway, Roose Bolton is now the warden of the North. But, Walder Frey wonders, aren't the Ironborn occupying the North? No, says Roose, "I sent my bastard Ramsay to root em out."

And that's how we find out who Theon's tormentor is. It's been Roose's bastard, Ramsay Snow, the whole time. We visit Ramsay and Theon—poor dickless Theon—and see that it's dinnertime. And that Ramsay is eating Theon's penis? No, no. It's just pork sausage. Pork sausage that is eaten in a very suggestive way. In other news, I will never be eating pork sausage again.

Theon is not having a good time of it. "Kill me," Theon begs. "Kill me!"

"You're no good to me dead. We need you.," says Ramsay.

"You don't look like a Theon Greyjoy anymore," he continues. "That's a name for a lord. But you're just meat. Stinking meat. You reek. Reek. That's a good name for you. What's your name?"

"Theon Greyjoy." Ramsay slams his fist into Theon's face. Theon might not be the world's quickest learner, but he gets it eventually, finally telling Ramsay, "Reek. My name is Reek."

In a much, much nicer place, Bran sleeps, but then wakes when he hears noises. Is it the Rat Cook? No! It's Sam! Which is so much better. Happily in this world of missed connections, Sam recognizes Bran as being "Jon's brother! The one who fell from the window!" And says, "If you're his brother, you're my brother too. And I'd do anything to help a brother."

Bran tells Sam and Gilly that he must go north of the Wall, and even though Sam and Gilly think that this is a terrible, awful, no good, very bad idea, they give Bran, Hodor, and the Reeds some dragonglass weapons so that they can fight White Walkers if and when they encounter any. And then Bran and crew venture through a tunnel and beyond the Wall. See you next season, guys!

Meanwhile, look who it is! Theon's dad and sister. Oh, I bet they miss Theon. But look! They've got mail. Maybe Theon wrote a letter? No. In fact, there's a package. It's a box. Do you know what's in that box? A dick. Theon's dick. It's a dick in a box. And, you know,Theon does sort of have facial hair similar to the "Dick in a Box" guys, when you think about it. Anyway, Yara, Theon's sister, is incredibly disturbed. As would I have been if I'd had to look inside that box. But Balon Greyjoy clearly has iron running through his veins and says, "Get that out of my sight. Theon disobeyed my orders. The boy's a fool. He cannot father the Greyjoy line. I will not give up the lands I have seized, the strongholds I have taken. Get this away from me."

"He's your son," says Yara.

"Son? He's not a man anymore." Ouch. No wonder Theon had such daddy issues. Way harsh, Balon. Yara, however, is not way harsh, and is going to go after Theon on a fast ship with a bunch of bloodthirsty Ironborn men. See you next season, Greyjoys!

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