Monday, June 24, 2013

Sex, Love, and Brooklyn: Drunk Sex Versus Sober Sex

Posted By on Mon, Jun 24, 2013 at 11:05 AM

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I was lost in thought, contemplating my own drinking habits, when he brought me back down to earth. “Listen," he said. "Come into the shop and I'll make you an egg cream to make up for my idiot co-worker's behavior.”

I demurred, saying, “Well, I don't know if that would do anything for my figure.”

“Believe me," he replied. "That's not something you have to worry about. I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I'll see you then.” And with that, he walked off calmly and with absolute confidence.

As soon as he was out of earshot, my friend Eric was hysterical, “Holy shit. I can't believe that happened to you!”

“I know! But he's sober. What would we do on a date?”

Then Jason said, “You know, straight-edge guys make the best lovers. Think about that one dude you hooked up with, the Chelsea artist.”

It was true. I didn't even have full-blown, penetrative sex with that guy, but still it had still been one of the best sexual experiences of my life.

To briefly sum up the Chelsea artist, he was an art school playboy who didn't drink. It was obvious from our hook up that he had an addictive personality. He was “more-ish,” meaning he always wanted more: more kissing, more talking, more cuddling, more dry humping, more of me—and sometimes it was more than I had to give. A friend of mine who also hooked up with him said she could tell he was a recovering alcoholic because when he went down on her it was like he was trying to drink her.

And yet, it's not like he had a bag of Casanova tricks up his sleeve, he didn't press on my abdomen with his left hand while trying to finger me with his right hand or anything. He just had an almost sociopathic ability to relate. He was present at all times and demanded we both put our guards down.

Maybe sober dudes are better lovers. Maybe its because they replace one addiction with another, or sex is their last option for blowing off steam, or maybe it's simply because they aren't drunk when they fuck.

I have definitely used alcohol as a sexual lubricant—to make me less nervous, to make me more “fun,” and to make me more able to take off all my clothes without worrying about my handful of cellulite. But I've also gotten too drunk to have a good time. I'm not even talking about black-out drunk. I'm talking about consensual experiences where I simply float away from my body and the sex feels like its happening to me, not like something I'm actively engaging in. I've felt that way because I was intoxicated and it wasn't truly something I was present for. Sure, my hips were still thrusting and I was still making the requisite moaning sounds, but inside I had shut down. A lot of those times I thought I didn't have to be responsible for my actions if I was drunk. Being wasted made the sloppy inconsistent sex ok, and, at one point in my life, even the norm. When I'm sober I have to be accountable for my needs and desires. I have to say no and yes. Thinking about the ice cream dude made me re-visit a lot of my drunk sexual experiences and I can say I'm more than looking forward to experimenting with sober romance. Also, I'm looking forward to remembering the sex.

Follow Lacy Warner on twitter @laceoface

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