Well, to be honest, last night went pretty much as expected: two and an half hours of missed opportunities to honor Brooklyn's music legacy outside of shouting the word "Brooklyn" a lot and Miley Cyrus continuing her evolution into a parent's nightmare. Save for a relatively sobering Kanye performance and the guest vocal powerhouses on Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' live rendition of "Same Love," you could chalk up this year's Video Music Awards as more or less being a wash. There were, though, at least an handful of fashion statements to help propel the show to the forefront of this morning's water-cooler conversations. For those looks, we've got a handy guide below, each one summarized in 25 words or less because that's the most amount of time you should spend thinking about the VMAs, maybe ever again.
Girl with buoyant hair caught between wanting to be an 80s prom queen, a 90s figure skater, and Mariah Carey.
Bashful Flying Nun blockhead looses clothes, showcases her wig collection, and comes to terms with being a tail-less mermaid.
Confident young lady confuses cultural signifiers—teddy bears, sports paraphernalia, Gene Simmons' tongue, Gwen Stefani's blue hair, Japanese game shows, etc. Doesn't care.
Wannabe Foot Locker employee never hired because of child molestation track record.
Malfunctioning BeDazzler machines, apparently rendered unable to perform.
Sensible human beings amused by presenting an award to a significantly less talented band and learning how teleprompters work.
A shadow in the woods with anger issues.
A baby blue suit, just to reiterate that he's white.
Energizer Bunny disguised in a deconstructed tuxedo and world's worst fedora leaves the world wishing for the Real Justin Timberlake in a real tuxedo.
Matured caterpillar-turned-butterfly friend pissed off at an ex-boyfriend for stealing her haircut.
A walking promotion for nearby Brooklyn institution Gleason's Gym, certainly!
The unexpected voice of reason to all of the above, which is saying something, considering the TLC overalls and feathered headgear.
Follow Lauren Beck on Twitter @heylaurenbeck.