The U.S. population can be divided into two types of people: casual Ryan Gosling fans and crazed Ryan Gosling fans. The casual Ryan Gosling fan may peruse the 309 Gosling-related items currently on sale at online market Etsy and find themselves buying a notebook screenprinted with his face on it, an "I Love Ryan Gosling" tote bag, or perhaps a set of Gosling nail decals. You know, some basics. But for those in the crazed Ryan Gosling pack, the ways to decorate your apartment, your clothes, your belongings and yourself in Etsy-sanctioned Gosling memorabilia are wide and varied. So, then, a guide to some of the best (and maybe worst) products on the market:
Drive Plush Doll by bluecadence, $35
Lean in closely. Hear that? "Hey girl, here I am practically in stuffed animal form." To offset the slight possibility you may never be Ryan Gosling's girlfriend, you can own an handmade fleece, felt and satin doll in his likeness. Unlikely to come at you with a hammer, it can be used as a mini cuddle buddy for when you're sad, or a cute chew toy for your dog when you're feeling better about yourself.
Collar Clip by RosietheRebelClothes, $11.99
Whatever these clips are for (not sure!), they come reinforced with Ryan Gosling's face—in its most supremely bespectacled, unshaven variety. The same face also adorns a set of bobby pins to hold back loose strands of hair while you pine.
Hand-painted Blue Valentine Bike Bell by Claire La Secretaire, $25
The bike bell that lets unassuming passersby know you're coming up on their right side and also that domestic bliss is a scam perpetuated by people's unrealistic ideals.
"The Gos" Bow by Dulce Calaveritas, $8
The versatile decoration of Gosling lovers worldwide. A bowtie, hair clip and dress embellishment in one. Great for weddings, proms and funerals.
Custom-Made "Hey Girl" iPad Cover by Felt Up, Covered Up!, $24.44
A felt koozie to protect your electronic device of choice from scratches and dirt, made to order so it fits snuggly. BUT, WAIT, STOP. YOU CAN ALSO GET IT MADE TO LOOK LIKE GOSLING'S BELOVED DOG, GEORGE. We repeat: If you so choose, you can cover your iPad or other electronic gadget in a case that resembles the dog of Academy Award-nominee Ryan Gosling. His dog's name is George. It's a lot to handle.
Justin Timberlake & Ryan Gosling as Mouseketeers T-Shirt by Moment Gear, $15
There are only so many moments in a generation that deserve to be forever captured, emblazoned on breathable, preshrunk cotton t-shirts. A frozen frame in the budding friendship of a pre-fedora Timberlake and flannel-clad Gosling is one of those moments.
Hand-painted Wine Glass by RealGlassAct, $24
Some theorists suggest women like to sip wine as much as they like Ryan Gosling. (Oh, here's a Gosling-inspired tea set, if you prefer.)
Letterpress Greeting Card by Grey Moggie Press, $5
When the going gets tough, you can put your head down and get to work, cry, hope someone sends you this card, or buy it for yourself. (On a related note, Etsy shop Kat n' Drew sells an anniversary card that reads, "I love you less than Ryan Gosling but still a lot!" which comes approved by the American Psychological Association for setting realistic standards within one's union.)
Drive Cross Stitch by helloCathe2ine, $9.19
"Hey, Girl" 8x10 Cross Stitch by DefiantDamsel, $50
Even better! (Legitimately want to own this.)
Thick-Band Ring from HartsAndStars, $14
Though HartsAndStars craft similar Gosling earrings, I'm partial to their ring collection for a ring is a symbol of marriage. For the moment, though, life's biggest decision is choosing between the "Serious Ryan," "Sly Ryan" or "Smiley Ryan" styles.
"Hey Girl" Geekery Art Poster by DEPdesigns, $17
There is no shortage of Gosling-inspired artwork being slung on Etsy. If you're looking for an $100 acrylic painting of a scene from Blue Valentine, his profile printed on pages from an antique dictionary, a portrait made entirely of the artist's lipstick pressings on paper, or a detailed illustration of Drive's harrowing hammer-in-head scene in pastel paints, those all exist. But the poster above is the only piece that takes the much-memed "Hey, Girl" Tumblr and turns it into a fill-in-the-blank game. Some suggestions:
*Hey girl, I baked you a cupcake.
*Hey girl, I also like McDonalds.
*Hey girl, I donated a bunch of money to Greenpeace in your name.
*Hey girl, let's just take a nap.
*Hey girl, I'm not at all creeped out by the fact you own a plush doll that looks like me, or an iPad case that looks like my dog, or a wine glass with my face painted on it.
Follow Lauren Beck @heylaurenbeck.