Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Sex, Love, Brooklyn: The Truth About Limp Dick (aka Whiskey Dick) Syndrome

Posted By on Tue, Sep 3, 2013 at 10:00 AM

Ron Burgundy does NOT have erectile dysfunction
  • Ron Burgundy does NOT have erectile dysfunction

It happens to everyone...and I mean EVERYONE. You know what I'm talking about—the dreaded, awkward and perhaps nightmare-inducing limp dick situation. It happened to me the first time I tried to have sex. My healthy 24-year-old boyfriend just couldn't quite get it up. We never talked about it, and for years I carried with me the fear that I was somehow inadequate.

At the time when I lost my virginity, I was already deeply self-conscious about my body, and had perfected the ability to go from foreplay to post-coital brunch without ever letting my dude see me naked. And so when my partner didn't get an erection (or actually lost his erection once the condom came out), I thought it had something to do with my greatest fear—that I was undesirable naked.

Eleven years later, though, and I'm finally able to have an open conversation with dudes about what's really going on when they can't get hard. Looking back at 18-year-old Lacy and 24-year-old Rocky (and, yes, that's legit the name of my first boyfriend), I realized it was more him than me. I don't mean that in a judgmental way at all. Believe me, if I was a dude and I suffered as much anxiety as I do now, I would probably never achieve an erection. And that's the thing, I think that most of the time, the guys I've been with who have had trouble, have experienced it because of nerves.

I recently opened up this conversation at my local bar and there was a heated debate between two parties of dude friends.

A hot, muscular chef stated that there were only 3 reasons a guy would lose his hard-on:

1) Whiskey dick (most obvious)
2) He'd started to fool around and discovered that he didn't actually want to be there
3) He's terrified and nervous

Sensible as these reasons seem to be, there was no consensus that all three causes were legitimate. Across the bar, a belligerent punk-anarchist said that no way would a dude ever lose it because he was “nervous.” This guy said, “Guys don't think like chicks, and we have to stop wanting them to.”

Then he went on to proclaim that there were actually six different reasons that a guy could spontaneously lose his erection:

1) Whiskey dick
2) He's just not that into it
3) Cigarettes
4) Toxins (plastic is out to get all the dicks)
5) Being overweight
6) Masturbating too much

Can you guess which guy I went home with that night?

The most recent time this unfortunate event has happened in my presence, the reason given was that the dude couldn't stop himself from “thinking about all the columns" I wrote. Unfortunately, this reason is the worst because there's nothing I can do about that. Luckily for me, this guy decided that if we couldn't fuck, then he was going to try his hardest to make me come in some other way. He went down on me and finger-banged me all night long. Well, not all night. But it lasted for at least 5 minutes before I told him to stop. Lest you think that I'm ungrateful, and I know he sounds generous and all, what really gets me going is knowing that a guy wants me. Uncontrollable lust and raging desire is the pinnacle of what flips my switch. So since his boner wasn't happening that night, I preferred to call quits on the whole thing. I would much rather smoke a cigarette and talk about Breaking Bad, than desperately try to achieve an orgasm with a partner who's flaccid. Baby, it doesn't mean I don't like you—I do—and I appreciate everything you're doing for me, but let's just fall asleep in each others arms and wait for morning wood.

I was at a wedding this past weekend, and when the last of us late-night drinkers started talking about sexy stuff, I asked the guys to tell stories about their most embarrassing moments losing their erections. One guy told me about the time he was finally going home with his dream girl. He'd been chasing this girl for months. When he got there he went to use the bathroom and decided to grab some of the lube he found in her cabinet. He brought it back to bedroom, pulled out his dick and lubed up. Only it wasn't lube—it was baby Orajel. (Why she had baby Orajel we still don't know.) He immediately went numb and couldn't perform..but he wanted to so badly! This might be his only chance with this lady—a lady he had been trying to get into the sack for so long! Finally, in his drunken and panicked state he made what he thought was the best move possible; he tried to shove his limp dick in her vag using his thumb as a spine. “I can't believe I thought she might not notice,” he said through the cackling laughter of us, his enraptured audience.

In the spirit of making everyone I encounter share their most embarrassing memories, I also asked my best friend Jason about his experience as a gay man. He said, “The pressure to perform in gay culture is different because the process is different. A lot of bottoms don't get hard-ons, because being a bottom is already such an intense experience. I might have an erection but it takes a lot to get me off. So I'm upfront about that at the beginning. Once it's off the table—that we're not just there to make each other cum—I feel like the pressure's gone and we can start to have a good time. Also, there's nothing better than waking up in the morning—when you're not drunk anymore—and mutually masturbating. Just two dudes sitting side by side and jerking off, and maybe kissing, is the best. Furthermore, I'd like to end by saying: a good partner can see if you're feeling nervous and lead you in a different direction.”

Lastly, I called my best straight guy friend and asked him what went through his mind when things went south. He said, “Well, I guess it's like when a woman doesn't finish, but the dude does. And what I mean by that is most of the women I've slept with have told me even though they may not have had an orgasm they still had a good time. So even though I may be having some trouble, I still really enjoy being naked with a lady—even if we're just whispering to each other.”

I would give anything to let my 18-year-old self hear those words.

Follow Lacy Warner on twitter @laceoface

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