I don't know how many of you watched the Golden Globes this past Sunday, but one of the highlights—besides Jodie Foster's insane, disjointed speech—was definitely when host Tina Fey made a joke about Taylor Swift staying away from Michael J. Fox's doppelgänger son, Sam. It was hilarious because Taylor Swift is the worst. Sorry, Lena Dunham, but she just is.
Well, to be fair, who doesn't still feel cheated by Milli Vanilli? Oh, no one at all? Says you. Per a seemingly irrelevant and useless new poll of New York Post readers to determine the top 10 "Biggest Liars in History," some people out there a still pretty T.O.'d about the whole thing, and ranked the Vanilli boys at number 9. Lance Armstrong — the reason this poll exists in the first place — clocked in at number 3. Richard Nixon, Bernie Madoff and Pinocchio made the cut as well.
Alright, so that's a bit misleading. To our knowledge, subway hero Dr. Zizmor is still strictly in the dermatology biz. But have you seen these Zizmor parodies offering the certified canine plastic surgery services of Steven Armond, M.D.? They're amazing. So amazing that I felt compelled to take the above shaky cell phone pic, which unfortunately couldn't fit Armond's testimonial reading, "You wouldn't buy an ugly sofa. You wouldn't talk to an ugly person. I only hire very attractive people and my third wife is one of the most beautiful women I know." Anyway, what's the deal with these?
Now, okay, that statement comes with a few qualifications. The "Anything is Possible" project, responsible for the totally mystifying @ProjectAIP Twitter feed, is a nice idea, surely run by nice people. Per their website, "Our goal is to build the internet's largest database of stories from inspiring people who survived seemingly insurmountable problems as teens and ultimately thrived."
Noble enough. And hey, I will personally vouch that being an unpopular fat kid who gets rashes from inner-tubing at summer camp is terrible. Inspiration can help. However, in this case, we have an idea that in theory, is lovely, and in practice, goes like this:
I'd certainly like to think that they're not—that we're not. And I guess a lot of this is dependent on what is mean by "worst." Are writers worse than Republican members of the 112th Congress? No, of course not. Nobody is worse than the Republican members of the 112th Congress. But are writers as bad as people who litter Instagram with far too many selfies and far too few pictures of puppies? Possibly. We are possibly that bad.
The good news is that there are far fewer sex stories in this year's top ten. Or maybe that's bad news for you. Truly, though, it's always good to see, when compiling a list based on pageviews, a nice variety of the kinds of stories you put out on a daily basis. WE'RE NOT SWITCHING TO PORN JUST YET, PEOPLE. Read on for the ten most important internet stories you will ever encounter...
So, you've already watched every single holiday movie in your rotation. You've already over-eaten, gotten drunk with all of your childhood friends, and maybe gotten into a fight with your relatives. No time like the present to retreat to your room for a few hours to watch some weird holiday shit on YouTube, right?
We have you covered. In the likely event you need a break from weeping quietly in front of It's a Wonderful Life or actually conversing with your loved ones, here's a (totally arbitrary) sampling of the very best holiday specials YouTube has to offer. Chewbacca and Arnold Schwarzenegger included.
Yesterday, news broke that Instagram — freshly partnered with the privacy-haters over at Facebook — is trying to make money off of the content we all upload and share with each other for free with the platform they have provided. Terrible! I mean, jokes aside, it is genuinely a little perturbing to think that they can license your pictures at will. At the same time, though, the actual likelihood of that happening is miniscule, and anyway, Facebook already pretty much does the same thing. In fact, remember all those other times we got mad and swore we'd never use any of this stuff again? Well, probably not, since last time I checked we're all still using Facebook every minute of every day. But in case you don't have anything to be anxious and worried about today, let's look back at a few of the bigger incidents that have gotten people mad at Facebook, the company that now owns both Instagram and every personal detail of your life (give or take).
Not everything was great in 2012. I mean, no shit, right? There were tons of terrible things that happened this year. And, well, the year isn't over, so maybe even more awful things are going to happen. I hope not. I really hope not. But even if it's not in our power to prevent hurricanes from making landfall, there are some things that we can prevent from following us into 2013. If we work together on this, maybe we can make the world a better place, or something.
You know, in addition to all those enriching cultural events we've been telling you about, we also spent a lot of time on the internet this year. This means, of course, that whether or not we sought them out, we saw a lot of memes. Which is always sort of a mixed bag. So many memes are dumb as shit and actively make your day worse ("What People Think I Do," we're looking at you). But a meme done right? Transcendant. Or at least, a nice funny thing that happened in your day. Who doesn't like funny things? Other than grumpy cat (*rimshot*). The point is, a few of these things have actually managed to stand the test of time, and for that, attention must be paid. Also, I'm tired, and now seems as good a time as any to re-visit these.
Oh, the hipster. Who are you? What are you? Sure, there are not ever real answers to these kinds of questions, but regardless, each year a few people publicly declare the hipster to be dead, or that we're going to at least stop talking about them so much, or that some particularly grave world event has ended irony altogether. This has yet to happen. Instead, a lot of publications whose time and efforts would be spent more productively (and less embarrassingly) elsewhere continue trying to pinpoint what exactly makes the hipster tick, or what hip new things the hipsters are... hipping.
2012 was not an exception. Whether it was the Times trying to wrap their heads around "man buns" or Forbes attempting to rank neighborhoods by hipsterdom, cringeworthy "what the youths are up to" coverage was everywhere. Let's reminisce.
All of which is to say it wasn't exactly surprising to hear that, over the weekend, after being (somewhat stupidly) provoked by comedian Jenny Johnson, Brown flew off the handle, told her to take her teeth out when sucking his dick and that his mom had instructed him to shart in her retina, then deleted his account.
One thing to think about here is that these are the words of a person who already has more money, acclaim, and influence than most of us will ever have in our whole lives, but another is that Brown has always been a fucking abomination on Twitter, and it's actually pretty impressive and bizarre that anyone lets him use it to begin with. Obviously, to cope, we compiled his worst outbursts to date.
For a lot of us coming of age in the late 90s and early aughts, the crowning achievement of our afterschool careers was having crafted the perfect AIM away message. It was a high-stakes game of balancing frivolity with diary-entry gravitas, difficult font choices, and chasing down unturned Dave Matthews Band quotes. When you nailed it, your self-identity gained a point. When you didn't, you just hoped your crush wouldn't sign on.
For the last month, 24-year-old Manhattanite Caroline Moss has dug deep into her years growing up in Westchester, whipping up spot-on parody posts for the Twitter feed, @YourAwayMessage. The randomized capitalization, the overused exclamation marks, the distress of being kicked off when your Mom or Dad picked up the phone in the next room: It's all there. Following along is both hilarious and humiliating, but definitely more hilarious. We were once so young! So lame! So unsneakingly blatant with our feelings! We talked to Moss about the overwhelming response to the project, the ease of slipping back into a teenage mind-set, nostalgia and bOyz. OMG, let's do this:
[the sound of a door swinging open]
Finally a good break from hectic weekdays..
I would normally agree with the other comments on this board. Or I'd simply stop…