I know I've mentioned Babies with Laser Eyesbefore, but in light of this new laser-themed Tumblr blog LazerTits (NSFW) this seems as good a time as any to revisit the internet's obsessions with porn, babies and Photoshopping lasers onto things. Behold, the epic laser showdown between web users' two favorite staple foods:
Posted
by Henry Stewart
on Tue, Mar 9, 2010 at 1:18 PM
Book Him, Danno!
A bill that would expand the definition of sexual contact to include the emission of ejaculate has passed the New York State Assembly. As of now, perverts on subway trains and other spaces who seminate onto others—apparently a problem on college campuses, and elsewhere—can only be charged with "public lewdness," the same charge that would apply to a mere flasher. New York would be the eighth state to adopt such a law, should it pass the state senate.
Yep, according to Wikipedia, King Philip II of Spain's habit of loitering around Mardid's seedier hostels—for which he was openly ridiculed in the burgeoning popular press—finally paid off on this date in 1570, when he convinced some backpackers from Amsterdam to come back to his place (the Royal Palace) for a private tour. Let this be a lesson to you kids: history is always written by the Wikipedia users.
The very "meta" single-purpose website Windows Fucking (pictured) is much like regular fucking: once you understand how it works, you can't stop yourself from doing it. Go on, try it.
Posted
by Amanda Mottur
on Fri, Feb 12, 2010 at 9:16 AM
Not your mother's Land Shark
Valentine's Day is nigh, and while for some it's an opportunity to bask in a weekend of orgasmic love bliss, for many of us the holiday is but a painful spotlight on our heartbreak and misery.
For the latter, I present you an unexpected and unnerving new ally in your quest for recovery: Death Bear.
Death Bear performs an important (and free) service to Brooklyn residents: When summoned via text message, he will appear at your door and collect any items which may serve as painful reminders of past heartbreak or loss. Love letters, photographs, clothing—Death Bear will drag them all back to his "cave" and out of your life forever. And yes, that does sound a little creepy.
I recently had a chance to catch-up with Mr. Bear... enjoy our conversation, after the jump.
In theory, I think Valentine's Day is a ridiculously artificial holiday contrived solely to pressure gormless men into spending way too much money in some misguided hope that the perfect gift will make everything better. In theory.
As the day itself approaches, though, I confess I start to fall for the whole stupid romantic mess (just a little)—which is why my last column was about non-awful ways to celebrate Valentine's, without buying dumb junk that'll just end up in a landfill in a few years. So I just wanted to remind you all (especially those of you in north Brooklyn) of a great gift idea: Audrey Spa. Not only are their services top notch (great facials!), Audrey is currently donating $5 of every gift certificate to BARC, Williamsburg's legendary animal shelter.
So this gift really is a multiple threat: it creates very little garbage, helps out a charming local business, benefits a deserving charity, and provides a great service.
Posted
by Jonny Diamond
on Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 3:23 PM
The Holy Bible of Everything That Is Wrong with Your Brain, the DSM, (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is coming out with some pretty big revisions next month, the first time significant changes have been made in ten years.
On top of pulling way back from the whole "little kids can be just as bipolar as adults" thing, which led to a generation of tiny, over-medicated Schopenhauers, the DSM V will add "hypersexuality" and "binge eating" to the list of things that giant pharmaceutical companies can trick us into thinking we have.
So we can look forward to racially diverse commercials with lines that ask, "Do you think about sex all the time? Do you really want to have sex all the time?" and "Did you eat so much at any point this week that you felt uncomfortable and ashamed?"
Posted
by Mark Asch
on Fri, Feb 5, 2010 at 1:11 PM
That is not the headline of this AP article, though it should be. The article's actual headline is "Judge Says ex-Edwards Aide in Contempt, Wants Tape." Oh, we bet he does. Superior Court Abraham Penn Jones just wants to see justice served, ok? And if that means that people under his jurisdiction have to turn over their personal fetish videos to the custody of the court, well, that's just how it's gotta be.
Posted
by Jonny Diamond
on Fri, Feb 5, 2010 at 11:03 AM
Size of the boat, motion of the ocean, etc.
Dear Lord. I really have a hard time understanding why former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson decided to go ahead and be a spokesdick for "male enhancement" pill ExtenZe (I assume they know "ze" is a diminutive in Brazil?). Seriously, and get a load of some of Johson's patter for the non-prescription supplement:
Most men want to perform the best they can in just about everything. Isn't that why we buy the biggest and best of everything? Go long with ExtenZe. I do.
You know what else I have a hard time understanding? The absence of "johnson" puns in each and every article I've read about this. For shame people.
In some cases it's obvious, in others it's very unclear, but the blog Siblings or Dating? puts each photograph of two people standing more or less close to one another to a vote. The pair above, apparently, are most likely siblings, but the voters are rather unsure about these two. Of course, you can get the answer to each post—they're dating—but where's the fun in that? (TheDailyWhat)
Posted
by Mark Asch
on Fri, Jan 15, 2010 at 4:28 PM
I'd hit it.
Peter Biskind's new Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America is, apparently, a compelling study of a savvy, serious (and self-serious) man's struggles to do the work he wanted to do in Hollywood—Michael Chaiken's Film Comment review is the best I've read, if you're browsing in your local independent bookstore at some point—but all that's been overshadowed, of course, by the fact that Warren Beatty fucked everyone, all the time, vigorously.
This has long been widely known, of course, but not really systematically documented before now. Delving into the murky past of sexual encounters transacted decades before Facebook, Biskind guesstimates 12,775 notches in Beatty's bedpost, "give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses, and so on," assuming the equivalent of a sexual encounter with a new, different woman every single day between the day Warren Beatty lost his virginity (a national holiday in several countries) and the day he met his eventual wife Annette Bening. (Is a daytime quickie different than a drive-by? Is there such a thing as a "casual" groping?)
This seems a problematic method of calculation, for any number of reasons. I'm not convinced, personally, that I've even ever met 12,775 people, for starters. But hey, you know the saying: A day without sex is a day wasted.
Posted
by Mark Asch
on Fri, Jan 15, 2010 at 12:21 PM
"We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about."
That's Alec Baldwin, attempting to make a point about older men, sex and maturity, one which I'm sure ladies of all ages can appreciate. And yet, while I fully realize that this question was posed rhetorically, it's one I am for various personal reasons uniquely equipped to respond to with suggestions of Things That Would, Actually, Be Worse Than Waking Up With a 25-Year-Old Woman, such as:
1. Waking with a 25-year-old woman you've never seen before who appears to have died overnight from stab wounds inflicted by a knife with your fingerprints on it, making it necessary for you to elude the police while tracking down the true killer who set you up.
2. Chilblains.
I could go on.
Recently we were having drinks with a somewhat older friend of ours, a professor, and her boyfriend, who accused her of having a crush on one of her undergraduate students. Indignant, she replied, "I don't have a crush on him, he's twenty!" Anyway.
Posted
by Mark Asch
on Fri, Jan 8, 2010 at 4:17 PM
"I wanna sex you up."
Presumably many of you read Katie Roiphe's NYTBR essay about Sex and the Single Dead White Male Novelist, or at least read a blog post about it. We're intrigued by the piece—which contrasts the (social) barrier-busting phallocentrism of Roth, Updike, Mailer and Bellow with more precious, asexual passages from sensitive new canonites Ben Kunkel, Dave Eggers, Jonathan Franzen, Michael Chabon and David Foster Wallace—which we think makes a number of not uninteresting points about the period-appropriate risk-taking and frankness and new insight in the older novelists' sex scenes. However, her dismissal of the younger authors seems to come out of a distaste for their self-conscious personae:
We are simply witnessing the flowering of a new narcissism: boys too busy gazing at themselves in the mirror to think much about girls, boys lost in... the noble purity of being just a tiny bit repelled by the crude advances of the desiring world.
She also establishes her dichotomy via some very selective inclusions and possibly willful misreadings (one: she cites The Mysteries of Pittsburgh but leaves out the corn oil-lubed buttsex). And she does this mostly so that she can blame it all on Feminism:
The Italian social networking site Cesviamo staged a viral marketing stunt recently by setting up a giant pneumatic condom at universities in Genoa and Milan, and then filling them to capacity (video after the jump), ostensibly to raise awareness about AIDS/HIV and safe sex practices.
While this might seem a little opportunistic and exploitative of a very serious disease, it actually makes a lot of sense given Cesviamo's goal, which is to encourage, enable and promote fun and creative fundraising and awareness campaigns (read: viral stunts) through the site. In summation: if you speak Italian you may now use Cesviamo to coordinate gathering in parks and malls with like-minded Italians and flash-mobbing about cancer, AIDS, poverty and climate change. (Design You Trust)
Posted
by Jonny Diamond
on Mon, Jan 4, 2010 at 4:33 PM
Hot damn! I knew it! I've been trying to find the clitoris the G-spot for years and now science has proven that my serial failure has in fact been a failure of female physiognomy! Yup, scientists in London studied nearly a thousand sets of twins, and found that identical twins (with identical DNA) were no more likely to both claim a G-spot than non-identicals. VINDICATION. (Next up, The Clitoris: Myth, Anecdote or Fact?)
Today, as reported by the BBC, AFP, and others, HIV/AIDS rights groups in the U.S. celebrated a hard-fought, long-overdue victory, with the lifting of a law that, since 1987, had banned immigrants infected with the disease from entering the country. Our nice little nation, of course, is also probably the best equipped country in the world to provide treatment for HIV/AIDS, yet after passing the ban into law in 1987 we became one of only twelve countries to turn infected immigrants away (and the other countries doing it are really naughty places that nobody likes). So while we may still have very worrisome views regarding torture, at least we're not as irrationally terrified of AIDS (and all things sexual, for that matter) as we were 23 years ago. Yay us! Yay U.S.!
Posted
by Adam Eli Clem
on Fri, Dec 18, 2009 at 1:44 PM
Adam Eli Clem is a dating expert. His particular expertise is confined to the toughest of dates, the first one (he goes on many of these). Forthwith is his essential companion compendium to the fine art of surviving the first date. These questions are very important, so you should probably write them down.
1. Does your older sibling work in this restaurant? Is there any reason to believe that he/she will approach and make a comment about your raging eating disorder?
2. Are you striking up conversations with the male stranger sitting next to you in an attempt to make me jealous? Which book(s) suggested that that would be a cunning move?
3. Did you ever do a lot of blow with your best female friend and then have terrible sex with her?
4. Were you ever in a halfway house as part of recovery from heroin addiction? Were you older than fifteen?
5. Have you ever attended Kinky Kamp? As a Kamper, or as a Kounselor?
The New York Senate is debating marriage equality— and live streaming the results— right now. Bill S66003, if passed, would extend marriage rights to all citizens of the state of New York. Which would be nice, no?
And, in case you're interested, here's a lis tof the swing voters, bullet-pointed about halfway through the article.
Posted
by Mark Asch
on Wed, Nov 18, 2009 at 12:59 PM
The god Pan looking on from a distance with his spying, lascivious gaze.
London's Literary Review has announced the shortlist for this year's Bad Sex in Fiction Award. Philip Roth, who following the death of John Updike must now surely be America's most hopelessly priapic writer, is on the list, for his new novel The Humbling, in which a blocked actor begins an affair with a dildo-wielding lesbian.
The rest of the shortlist:
Paul Theroux, A Dead Hand Nick Cave, The Death of Bunny Munro Philip Roth, The Humbling Jonathan Littell, The Kindly Ones Amos Oz, Rhyming Life and Death John Banville, The Infinities Anthony Quinn, The Rescue Man Simon Van Booy, Love Begins in Winter Sanjida O'Connell, The Naked Name of Love Richard Milward, Ten Storey Love Song
Some hot girl-on-girl action with Philip Roth, after the jump...