Thursday, March 7, 2013

Sex, Love, and Brooklyn: The Price of Eternal Youth

Posted By on Thu, Mar 7, 2013 at 11:47 AM


I decided to get drunk. I had just finished babysitting the two worst kids. The older one kept telling me I was fat. When I told him I would tell his mom if he continued to say mean things, he burst into tears. All I could do then was take him into my arms and hold him until he fell asleep. There I was rocking back and forth and whispering lullabies to a kid who only moments before had said, “You have a stomach bigger than my mom's and she's had two babies.” After the third rendition of his special goodnight song I made a promise to myself to up my rates.

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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Sex, Love, and Brooklyn: There Ain't Nothing Wrong With An Orgy Among Friends

Posted By on Thu, Feb 28, 2013 at 1:36 PM


Recently, I went on road trip across Florida with my oldest buds. Somewhere halfway down the Panhandle, I realized I'd had sex with most of them. Actually, we all participated in a very messy six-way in college. How do you have casual sex without any casualties? In this case the more the merrier got us all out alive.

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Friday, February 15, 2013

Sex, Love and Brooklyn: On the Joys of Winter Sex

Posted By on Fri, Feb 15, 2013 at 11:17 AM

All you can do in February is try to stay warm. There is no other motivation during this dreaded month. All actions, like staying inside for the entire 28 days and watching Homeland and Downton Abbey back to back, are taken because it's cold outside. It also means sex is on the rise. People think summer is so steamy and sexy and everyone is half naked and boning in the park, but I grew up in Michigan and know the fine art of giving a hand job in a snow bank. You may feel disconnected from everything below your neck in the winter; I disagree. I think there is a despair and recklessness in the winter that drives people together, in the most inappropriate and exciting ways.

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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Brooklyn's Valentine's Day Gift to You? Free STD Screening

Posted By on Tue, Feb 12, 2013 at 10:53 AM


Aw, geez, guys! I mean, I was really only expecting a dark chocolate Whitman's Sampler and a cheap bottle of riesling, but this is great, too. Three different clinics — the CABS Health Center in East Williamsburg, the Caribbean House Health Center in Crown Heights, and the Dr. Betty Shabazz Health Center in East New York — are offering free HIV and Hepatitis C screenings (and access to doctor consultations) in honor of Valentine's Day.

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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Worst Valentine's Day Ever? "Achy Breaky Heart" Night at SoulCycle

Posted By on Tue, Feb 5, 2013 at 2:48 PM


Now, maybe I'm just being an unnecessary jerk. Maybe this really is a better, healthier, more productive option for a solo Valentine's Day than the natural alternative, getting drunk with your friends and actually enjoying yourself sitting at home amid a growing nest of tissues, Cathy Comics, and crumpled Dove Promises wrappers. It makes logical sense. Endorphins help you feel good, exercise gives you confidence, etc. etc. And yet, somehow, SoulCycle's planned 7:30 pm "Achy Breaky Heart" ride on Valentine's Day sounds to me like the very worst kind of hell.

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Friday, February 1, 2013

Sex, Love and Brooklyn: Fucking a Boy, To Become a Woman

Posted By on Fri, Feb 1, 2013 at 6:16 AM


He's 25 and I'm 28. We're generations apart. Let's face it, a 25 year old boy is really 15 in girl years. Which makes me, 38. "Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?"

Yes I am.

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Thursday, January 24, 2013

Sex, Love and Brooklyn: Jeremy's Iron

Posted By on Thu, Jan 24, 2013 at 12:20 PM


Ah, the familiar feeling of cold metal stirrups against my naked, delicate toes. The nurse practitioner congratulates me on the healthy color of my vagina—a pink somewhere between “blush” and “bashful.” She soothingly tells me about the pressure I'll be feeling from the plastic speculum. Visiting the gyno at Callen-Lorde Community Health Center in Chelsea is almost as nice as getting your hair done at Bumble and Bumble. They practically give you a glass of wine while you wait for your test results. Not really, but once when I was hyperventilating in the waiting room, the nurse told me to quit the dramatics. “Trust me I've heard worse,” she said. “I've seen a dick stuck in every orifice a human can imagine." Her assurances worked pretty much like a shot of tequila to my soul.

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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Sex, Love and Brooklyn: On the Perils of Chat Sex

Posted By on Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 12:53 PM


In the New Yorker article “Looking For Someone” Nick Paumgarten came up with an analogy for what kind of person each dating site would be at a mixer. He almost got it right. is nursing his Corona light (it’s gluten free), while picking sunflower seeds out of his teeth and trying to guess your sign. E-Harmony's sitting in the corner with a cranberry soda, buttoning up her Brooks Brothers' cardigan and giving advice. And, OkCupid, the devil with a prohibition-style mustache, is watching you down your second whisky while plotting to finger blast you in the back of a cab later. Nobody wins. I don't care how many success stories I hear. My own experience says get out of this bar and go down the street to play apples to apples with your friends.

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Old People Can't Stand Sex With Other Old People, Says New York Times

Posted By on Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 12:40 PM


Somehow, incredibly, even when the New York Times publishes a piece about the dating world that actually makes some sense, they still manage to somehow make sure that it's utterly insane. In this case, Joyce Wadler's meditation on the catch-22 of dating in the over-60 set, in which an imaginary, vodka-swilling dybbuk taunts her about romantic prospects. Huh.

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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Sex, Love and Brooklyn: Learning to Suck It

Posted By on Thu, Jan 10, 2013 at 9:41 AM


Whenever I’m asked if I'm into men or women, I always say I like sharks.

That's right, the people who will order you a drink without asking, push you up against the wall outside the bar, and had decided you were their prey before you even made eye contact. They don't care what you think, they just want you. They may never call you back, but there's something magical about being pulled up from your bar stool while they whisper in your ear, “Hey, let's get out of here.” I'm no pushover, but cocky and confident folks flip my switch, no matter the gender.

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Friday, January 4, 2013

Sex, Love and Brooklyn: Cum on My Face... Book

Posted By on Fri, Jan 4, 2013 at 7:37 AM


Hi there, I'm Lacy, your new sex correspondent, and right now I writing this between dry heaves.

Yesterday I went to an upscale restaurant in Carroll Gardens where the very handsome Argentinean chef took notice of my bare midriff and sent over his specialty—tongue. The brave taster I am I dug in heartily.
Later that night as he was giving me his other specialty tongue at his swank Clinton Hill apartment, I started throwing up. I am still throwing up.

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Friday, December 28, 2012

Meet Our New Sex Writer! (And the Winner is...)

Posted By on Fri, Dec 28, 2012 at 12:20 PM


As some of you may recall, we recently solicited the help of our readers in choosing a new sex writer (we just love democracy that much), because we couldn't make up our minds about our shortlist. We had wonderful contributions from Aiden Arata, Marie Calloway and Lacy Warner. So, with just under 50 percent of the vote (certified by impartial UN observers), your winner, and brand new L Magazine sex writer is...

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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Sex with a Brogi

Posted By on Wed, Dec 19, 2012 at 11:52 AM


We'd had sex once before. He had a big dick and knew how to use it. Which was why I was about to sleep with him again, in spite of his peasant tops, the tibetan flags over his bed, The Art of Seduction I found on his bookshelf and the fact that we met at my yoga center. He had the golden retriever good looks of the star quarterback at a midwestern high school, and while we did partner yoga there was something crazy about having his foot that close to my crotch. When we first met in class he stared me straight in the eyes as he massaged my inner thigh with his toes. I kept thinking, “I can't believe I paid for this. I need to get a monthly pass.”

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In Which I Meet an OkCupid Dom

Posted By on Wed, Dec 19, 2012 at 11:35 AM


My Dom and I met on OkCupid when I first moved to New York in September.

His profile was long and devoid of any real information about himself. I was bored one night and so sent him a message saying simply "????"

I got a flippant reply. Silly girls always fall for this. In my curiosity to figure him out, it prompted me to ask "what are you looking for?"

He responded quickly.

"I want a mature, willing submissive. A girl willing to listen and obey when I command her. A girl who gets wet having me in control, humiliating, degrading her, bringing her to orgasm in whatever way I please."

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"Are You My Girlfriend? Can I Tie You Up?"

Posted By on Wed, Dec 19, 2012 at 11:06 AM


A drunk friend once told me that she loved me because she knew I was a helper, a giver. I made people feel safe. This was a very nice thing to say. And then she added, “Because any time I do something terrible, I know you’ve done something worse.”

Yes. I am that friend. I’ve been labeled, with varying degrees of respect, a whore, a sex addict, a feminist, a gay man in a woman’s body. I’ve been diagnosed with all sorts of issues of the daddy and self-esteem variety, and prescribed some awesome and downright irresponsible medications as a result. Maybe I am all of these things, but ultimately, I like myself, and I like other people, and I really like having sex with other people. I give no fucks, which is to say, I give all the fucks. I’ve been proposed to, let Serbian royalty touch my butt, and endured a meth-fueled threesome at the Crown Heights Best Western. I have banged my waiter after he served me two steak dinners at once. If I had to choose one title, I’d say Optimist.

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Australian Judge Has Very Specific Opinions About How Horses Have Sex

Posted By on Wed, Dec 19, 2012 at 10:30 AM

I'll be the first to admit that I have an exceedingly limited grasp on horse genealogy. The Australian justice system, however, is adamant that horse penises get put in horse vaginas, or else horse babies are not thoroughbreds.

Racehorses must have physical sex for their foals to be considered thoroughbreds, an Australian judge ruled, upholding an international requirement that prohibits the use of artificial insemination.

Federal Court Justice Alan Robertson in Sydney today dismissed a bid to make the country the first to allow artificial insemination for thoroughbreds, following a trial that spanned four months and concluded Dec. 19, 2011. He cited potential international consequences as a reason for his ruling.

Bruce McHugh, a former chairman of a Sydney racing club, sued thoroughbred authorities to legalize the use of artificial insemination, arguing the ban on the practice was an illegal trade restraint as he seeks to start a breeding business. The suit, which threatened to upset traditions behind horseracing’s appeal to kings, queens, sheikhs and billionaires, according to Tony Bannon, attorney for the defending Australian Turf Club, could have “downgraded” the status of thoroughbred races held in Australia, if upheld, Robertson said. [Bloomberg]

Noooo! Think of all the downgraded horses! With the caveat that again, I know nothing of horse husbandry and really only am interested in this story because the idea of some judge having to write up a ruling about how horses have sex tickles me, the idea that the offspring of two animals is somehow vitally altered by the method of conception is...odd.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

WHO Recommends Decriminalizing Sex Work

Posted By on Tue, Dec 18, 2012 at 11:00 AM

Sounds like a great idea, but since when do we listen to WHO about anything? (ahem)

The World Health Organization (WHO), the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA), UNAIDS, and the Global Network of Sex Work Projects have developed a set of technical recommendations for effective programs to prevent and treat HIV/AIDS and other STDs among sex workers. The complete report, "Prevention and Treatment of HIV and Other Sexually Transmitted Infections for Sex Workers in Low- and Middle-income Countries," was published by the WHO Department of HIV/AIDS in December 2012. The guidelines advise that nations should decriminalize sex work and increase the access of sex workers to health services. Regular, voluntary screening and treatment for sex workers and empowerment regarding condom negotiation were other key elements of the guidelines. [The Body]

I seriously cannot think of an argument against legalizing sex work: it is safer on every level for both the buyer and seller of sex. C'mon, puritans, get it together.

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Monday, December 17, 2012

The Year in Sex

Posted By on Mon, Dec 17, 2012 at 5:00 AM

Just a nice moment in time to remember.
  • Just a nice moment in time to remember.

What a year, right? The election, the hurricane, and all that other stuff I don’t remember from the first half of the year. 365 days is actually kind of a long time. So let’s take a pleasant stroll down memory lane to revisit some of this year’s arbitrarily chosen moments in sex news. We had so much fun together!

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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Court Rules That Man Must Pay $28,000 Strip Club Tab

Posted By on Thu, Dec 13, 2012 at 10:45 AM

  • Lempkin, flickr
Lord love a "guy racks up thousands of dollars in strip club charges" story, for the horrible puns and outdated reporter lingo alone. Is there any living non-tabloid reporter who has ever used the word "jiggle joint"? I feel like the Daily News and Posts' style guides have cigars champed between their teeth.

Anyway, this guy sued the Hustler Club because he was too dumb to not get charged $28,000 in drinks and dances, and the suit has been tossed and now must pay his bill.

William Ilg’s lawsuit — claiming that he was fraudulently billed at the West Side jiggle joint in 2011 — is a bust, too.

Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Manuel Mendez tossed out the suit, in which Ilg alleged he was served too many drinks, leaving him “no longer capable of conducting financial transactions.”

When Ilg discovered $28,109.60 in credit card charges for a night of pleasure he couldn’t even remember, he demanded a full refund.

“There is no duty upon (Hustler Club) to protect plaintiff from the results of his (voluntary) intoxication,” Mendez wrote in a recent decision. [NY Daily News (Headline: "What a Boob", classic)]

"Come at the king you best not miss"—Larry Flynt.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey Still a Thing, Creating Surge of Holiday Sex Toy Gifts

Posted By on Wed, Dec 12, 2012 at 11:35 AM

If you thought people were blessedly finished talking and thinking about Fifty Shades of Grey, welp, too bad for you, because this thing is still sticking around. Apparently the sex toy sector is projected to exceed 15% growth this year, driven by couples' desires to pretend they are horribly-written characters inhabiting Twilight fanfic. No, I'm sorry, so grouchy. I'm glad straight people are finally branching out. Sex is awesome and people should enjoy it. I guess it's just sentences like this that are tough to handle:

Just as “Sex and the City” made the Rabbit vibrator an acceptable household appliance for single women more than a decade ago, the erotic novels’ popularity has made restraints and so-called love balls acceptable stocking stuffers this year. [Bloomberg]

The dark trinity of Sex and the City references, "so-called love balls," and "stocking stuffer"...I just...I don't know. Trying to stay sex-positive this season, you know?

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