Now, I know what you're thinking. "There's so much sex on Girls, it's already like a porn! Lol!" Nah. Could be way pornier. And will be, now that Hustler-produced "This Ain't Girls XXX" is wrapped and prepping for release.
What did I learn from this episode? So much, really. For one thing, Game of Thrones is not afraid to sacrifice a penis here and there for the sake of a storyline. For another, "Come fight death with me," is a great way of asking someone to bone. And, for a third, there is nothing hotter than a man who sneaks into your tent while bearing gifts. Especially when those gifts are the severed heads of your enemies. Nicely done, Daario. I think I like you. But! Let's start from the very beginning.
This episode included a scene wherein our hero, Jaime Lannister (oh, he's not your hero? just because he almost killed a child in order to protect the sister he was fucking? good for you that your morals are so on point—feel proud), rescues Brienne from A BEAR in a heart-stopping scene that had me feeling actively nervous for their safety and their lives, but still that wasn't even close to being the most traumatic part of the episode, because, you know what? THEON GOT CASTRATED. A lot of other stuff also happened. But castration? That's a pretty big deal. Bigger than a bear? Maybe, yeah.
A lot of stuff is happening this season and although there weren't any moments in this episode that were quite as gasp-worthy as when Jaime's hand was cut off, or when Daenerys's dragons set fire to Astapor, or when Jon Snow gave Ygritte oral, this episode was still an amazing example of how well this show works when all the gears are grinding and the plot is moving forward and things are happening and everything, but you are well aware that all the things that are going on are all occurring in service to something else, something bigger. And you know—you just know—that when that bigger thing happens, it's going to leave you with your mouth gaping and your jaw on the floor.
What is a person's word actually worth? Does a promise need to be kept if it was made to a person who is himself without honor? And why haven't the wildlings ever heard about oral sex before? These are all questions that were debated during this episode and, frankly, they all have equal validity. But putting aside the issue of oral sex for a moment, the themes of honor, betrayal, oaths, and revenge have all been constant in Game of Thrones from the very beginning of the series, when Ned Stark beheads a deserter from the Night's Watch because the man had made an oath never to leave the Wall. Never mind that this man had escaped the murderous White Walkers. He broke his oath and betrayed his brothers, and so he had to die. Along the way, we've seen "honorable" men like Ned lose their lives and total sociopaths like Joffrey keep on keepin' on. We've also seen characters who are meant to be honorable, like Robb Stark, betray oaths and break promises. Westeros exists in a world where people will condemn you for breaking your word, even if you do it in order to slay an insane and homicidal king. What I'm saying is, it's tough out there and navigating through the empty promises and broken oaths isn't easy. It's probably best just to keep your head down (right, Jon Snow?) and stay out of trouble. But it doesn't look like that will be possible for all the characters we've come to know and love. Or, as the case may be, not love at all, but merely tolerate. I'm looking at you, Robb Stark's wife.
Well, insofar as we should care what anyone has to say about a TV show with a deceptively small viewership, yes. We should. Gordon is, after all, a feminist icon to legions of women, and a measured adult with a track record of not behaving like an idiot. Which is more than a lot of people inserting themselves into the conversation about Girls can say.
Revenge. Is it ever moral? Does that even matter? It sure tastes sweet on the lips, about as sweet as the sound of the Valyrian language tripping off the tongue of the mother of dragons. And that? Tastes really, really sweet. But I'm getting ahead of myself. This episode was about paying a price and seeking vengeance and never giving up because revenge can sure as hell be served cold and in a box if need be, but mostly, this episode is about never underestimating Daenerys Stormborn because she is a dragon and a dragon is not a slave. Let's call this episode "Dragon Unchained." The D is not silent, but it might as well be.
So, here we are in episode 3. Shit is about to go down. No more laying the groundwork, there is real action to be had. Finally! So, what did we learn in this episode? Well, we learned a lot actually. Even more new characters were introduced—including Brynden "The Blackfish" Tully who is a total badass. Lots and lots of stuff happened. There was sex and there was violence and there was death and there was birth. And the ending. The ending! Let's get to it.
Well, so, there were no dragons in this episode. I can, therefore, understand if you turned off Game of Thrones in protest last night, and are only hate-reading this recap in the hopes that it will be a 10,000-word think piece on why there should be dragons in every episode—if not every scene—because dragons are the best. Unfortunately, that is not what you're about to read. Because as much as I love dragons (which, so, SO much) I also appreciate the juggling act that the writers of Game of Thrones are doing right now. Not only are they trying to incorporate the story lines of the approximately two dozen Westerosi that we were already familiar with, but they're introducing new and essential characters in a pretty seamless and not totally overwhelming way. And they're doing a good job of it! "It" being the screenwriting equivalent of juggling flaming swords and crossbows and battle-axes and dragon teeth and other dangerous and exciting things. So, I guess I can forgive the lack of dragons this time. Because, after all, we did get to meet Lady Olenna Tyrell—Queen of the Thorns—and she's as fiery as any of Daenerys's children and much, much funnier.
The new season of Mad Men starts on Sunday and even though we don't exactly know in what year it will be taking place, we do know that the last season ended in the spring of 1967. So even though the seasons on Mad Men don't always precisely stack up chronologically—for all we know, the new season might start in 1969 or even 1973—I thought I'd suggest a few things to do in Brooklyn this weekend that you could have also done in 1967.
This is just the latest example of the weird media moment we're at. Everyone can sort of sense that it's all about to become some kind of nebulous blur between web content and broadcast TV, that the pie is going to shrink and separate into niche interests even more, somehow, and there will cease to be a meaningful difference between video content mediums created for separate, single-use devices. Scheduled events will probably continue, but will only be meaningful for marking the first moment when something is let loose, and everyone can choose to watch it, discuss it, rip it apart if they like. That more chaotic, more personal media moment feels like it'll happen in five minutes (if it didn't start five minutes ago). Right now, though, TV is still a structured thing that needs new ideas to fill holes, sell ads, and increasingly it's going to readymade Internet concepts to find that new programming.
So far, it's doing this in a couple easily identifiable, sorta timid ways:
As you've probably heard already if you spend a lot of time on the internet, Christopher Abbott, who plays Charlie on Girls, won't be coming back for the show's 3rd season. Too bad, so sad. And also, kind of abrupt.
So, here in Brooklyn, winter came. It was long and cold and, therefore, kind of great. And now winter seems to have left. But who cares about Brooklyn? Brooklyn doesn't have phosphorescent green wildfire. Brooklyn doesn't have armies of castrated men who don't even flinch when their nipples are cut off. Brooklyn doesn't have dragons. No, those things are only in the world of Game of Thrones. And so finally, FINALLY, the best kind of winter has come again. And this winter is so much better than real winter because this winter has dragons. Oh, did I mention dragons already? Yes? Well, I will be mentioning them again and again because dragons are everything, including the best thing about this episode because, as happens with many season premieres, our first trip back to the Seven Kingdoms was heavy on plot exposition and light on action. By action, I mean sex and violence. Sex and violence were surprisingly lacking, but there's time for all that. Oh, there's time.
So, it's officially happening. We've arrived. The VMA's are coming to Brooklyn. And not just any VMA's! This summer's ceremony at the Barclays Center will mark the 30th anniversary of the Most Important Awards Show of Our Time. For Brooklyn, MTV, and the growing list of things that make you feel just a little bit weird and old, this is a milestone.
It's been quite a journey these last ten weeks. At least, it has for me. Because every Sunday night I would stay up till the wee hours of the morning in order to recap Girls for all of you. I am at heart, it seems, a giver. And now that my attention is about to finally shift away from Hannah Horvath and company, I wanted to take one look back at the most significant moments of Season 2. Then we can bury this season where it belongs, in the ground right next to Season 1 and assorted L Mag staffers who have gone on to "other things." So enjoy this eulogy, because soon enough I will never write about Girls again and will focus on the things that really matter. Things like Game of Thrones. Dragons! Ahhh. I can't wait.
So we've come to the end of this season of Girls. Have we learned anything? Did we expect to learn anything? Is the purpose of watching a television show to learn anything? I mean, sure it is. And, even if nobody else did, I learned something. I learned that Googling paranoid, health-related questions in order to further procrastinate writing a book is not something that is exclusive to me. And that was a valuable lesson. And so we open on Hannah doing exactly that. Her ear is still bothering her. The OCD is still rearing its ugly head. Hannah does not appear to have showered in quite some time and you can almost smell the sour milk body odor coming out of the screen. It is not good. She is not doing well. Girls.
Are you ready? To revisit or visit what was maybe the most pitch-perfect (and I'm not talking about Marnie taking on Kanye, although Allison Williams does have a beautiful voice) episode of Girls yet? Not to break down the fourth wall of blogging or anything but this episode was so moving and so full, frame after frame, of perfection, that I watched it twice before I could even really make notes on it. So now I'm staying up ridiculously late to write this and will probably feel like shit in the morning because of springing forward due to Daylight Saving Time (which is just another reason to hate Spring) but it's all worth it. Because this episode was amazing. And I'll probably be thinking about it all week leading up to the finale. Which is next week? Ah! I miss it already.
Finally a good break from hectic weekdays..
I would normally agree with the other comments on this board. Or I'd simply stop…