Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Soon, Aquarius, soon your long trial will be over. We’ll finish up the last tasks, put away the floor buffer, fluff the pillows, put our feet up, and watch the shit out of Downton Abbey. They say life is always complicated, always busy. But you know what? Sometimes it can be pleasant, relaxing, and fun. Let’s get to that place, yes?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Goodbye, Pisces. You were a pretty fascinating creature in your time, a paradox of propriety and pugnacity, surprising, funny, occasionally wonderfully mean and, perpetually, full of deep, constant feeling. Not exactly sure where you’re going, if anywhere, but I’m glad you were here.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
You should probably stop writing important to-do notes on your hands, Aries: they look like the inside of a 1981 A train. It’s a funny curse, having non-erasable skin, having to deal daily with the palimpsest flotsam of errands done and undone. But let these mementos of failure gird your resolve.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Frozen waterfalls are awesome, like, mad-sick awesome: dude, it’s falling water, falling water, frozen in place. If that’s not just a rad metaphor for something rad, I don’t know what is. Do you know any rad metaphors, Taurus? Like, say, an amphibious monster truck crashing a hoity-toity regatta? Yeah, awesome.

Gemini May 21-June 20
We’re making pretty good time, Gemini—at this rate, we’ll be in Richmond before dawn. The first thing I’m going to do is head to Couchie’s (rhymes with “ouchies,” not, you know…) and get myself a plate of cabbage rolls and a large rum and Coke, and I’m going to tell about the dream I just had, in which you finally work up the courage to break out on your own (you’re so happy in this dream, dude).

Cancer June 21-July 22
Home and home. Do you know what I mean when I say that, Cancer? It’s a sports term describing back-to-back games between the same teams, played, respectively in their home arenas. I think you should start applying it to your romantic life, mix things up a bit, get outside your comfort zone…

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Dear Creepy Van that’s been parked out front of my building for three days, you’re probably perfectly innocent, but you should really know how incredibly malevolent you appear, with those dark tiny porthole windows and your rusted-out runners. You might as well write “pervert” on the side, to complete the cliché. Sometimes, Leo, appearances aren’t deceiving.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Did you know, Virgo, that if you took all the unused, barely tended “extra” space in New York City—all the wild medians and overgrown null spaces—you’d have a green space three times the size of Central Park? Everything is fucked, dude.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I’ve decided to build a small casino in my back yard, Libra. You see, I’m one-32nd indigenous Sami so, by international law, that entitles me to the profits of at least three slot machines, or one slot machine and a roulette wheel. Won’t you come on down to the Läpsatorium and try your hand?

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Tolls. We all have to pay tolls, Scorpio, whether we realize it or not. But you see, these monies we contribute to the common weal actually help our civilization maintain itself; it is an honorable thing to pay a tax, to build a society—so please stop trying to lower my taxes!

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Airport hotels are dark, despairing places, with none of the buoyant sense of occasion that graces your festive downtown hostelries. There’s no sense of exploration, or even anticipation, in these lobbies, just drear resignation amid a sickly hogo of microwaved burritos and gin. So, yeah, don’t become a pilot, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
People love to talk about themselves. And you know what? You’re probably as guilty of it as the next guy. So, Capricorn, the next time you’re having a chat, observe yourself: are you merely waiting for your interlocutor to finish so you can return to your story? Do you maniacally provide counterexamples of your own that mirror those of the other? These are bad habits. Try listening for a change.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Do you remember that old SCTV skit, about The Catcher in the Rye, except it was about a discount brand of rye whiskey selling collectible catcher figurines, embalmed in the booze? They had all the greats: Gary Carter, Carlton Fisk, Darrell Porter… That was a great fucking show, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Oh gloomy youth, in your hoodies and your trench coats, with your mossy facial hair and bird-pecked skin…Why are you so glum? Do you not feel the warmthx of the sun on your face, hear the gentle wind move through the trees? Why, Pisces, do you insist on quoting Jim Morrison? Please stop.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Where the hell is winter, Aries? Just the other day I was sitting in my antique, Prohibition-era Saratoga bath chair, and a mosquito landed right there on my prosthetic knee… in January! Poor little bugger kept trying to draw blood and came away with nothing but sawdust. So, uh, careful where you sting.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Water looks choppy, Taurus. Seriously, I think a storm’s coming. Can you smell it? That’s the smell of frightened fish. Have you ever been stuck beside an anxious fish on a transatlantic flight? It really sucks. Also, it stinks. Open yourself up to the surreal, and you’ll be happier.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Dudes be dudes, Gemini, and bros be bros. By which I mean the modern American male under the age of 30 continues to baffle and appall me. How is he simultaneously so jejeune and so assertive about his entitlement to all the world’s opportunities? I’m pretty sure it’s all the Dr. Pepper he drinks.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It is my sincere hope, Cancer, that the thing we now think of as “college” will have receded into the mists of irrelevancy within the space of the next generation. Call me a bio-evolutionary determinist-elitist, but it doesn’t make sense to tell every single one of our children they should be aiming at a college degree. It’s all such a waste of money…

Leo July 23-Aug 22
You can hear the distant tinny din of bubblegum hip-hop coming from a grimy pair of earbuds somewhere at the head of the car. An obese version of Kurt Vonnegut snores like an old steel fan three seats behind and to your left. A mother stage-whispers anxiously to her daughter about the perils of Canal Street. You, Leo, are taking the train into the city…

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The more we endeavor to measure something, the less we see it in the whole. Hard analysis is an atomizing gesture, a reductionist way of asserting control over that which cannot truly be controlled. Ok, look. I’m sorry I ate the larger slice of pizza, Virgo, but do you have to be such a dick about it?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Do you know yourself, Libra, when things go terribly wrong? Do you go cold and calm, seeing the world through an ice-blue tint, moving clinically to correct things? Or do you erupt in hot plumes of panic, making things worse? It’s important to figure out which, before it’s too late.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Honestly, I think this is going to be a very good year for you, Scorpio. It’s about time you caught a couple breaks, about time things fell into place. I would never suggest that there’s any kind of balance in the universe, any kind of justice… But holy shit, you are due.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Sleet is a horrible, indeterminate thing: not quite pretty snow, not quite soothing rain… just, sleet. Even the word is ugly, like a derelict Yorkshire mining town, filled now with naught but the infirm and dissolute, always cold, always gray. Stay away from the village of Sleet, Sagittarius. Stay away.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
It is an odd and painful thing, Capricorn, how we are now able to observe someone unspooling into performative madness online, as they post, spam and tweet the details of their derangements for all to see. I don’t really like it, honestly. So, yeah, can you stop harassing me?

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
My Great Uncle Torqvist sailed an actual iceberg from the tip of Haugesund all the way to Aberdeen. He almost didn’t make it, though, as the little toaster oven he had for English muffins failed to shut itself off one night, and when he woke up it had melted a tunnel clear down to the waterline. Man, English muffins are delicious, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Have you considered taking the entire month of February off work and setting up a yurt in the Ozarks? ‘Cause seriously, dude, you need some daily purpose other than updating your Friendster profile. It’s pretty obvious, Aquarius, that you’re drifting a bit, that life is passing you by. In a word, it’s time to PANIC.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I found myself in the middle of a particularly invigorating game of craps in Brooklyn Heights, when who should stroll by but the one and only Paul Giamatti. I yelled out to him about how terrible Lady in the Water was, but he ignored me. So then I threw the dice at him. I missed, but rolled an 11 and won $300. That was a good day, Pisces.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Tidbits. Terrible word. You just can’t be a bona fide evil villain and use the word. Check this out: “We are going to kill you and your family one tidbit at a time.” “Really? Hahaha. Sure.” See? So yeah, Aries, clean up your vocabulary before you plan on kidnapping any tourists.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Some people are just so fucking slow. Walking behind them on the street, or in the mall, or up the steps of the state court house, and I WANT TO KILL THEM. But then I decide not to, because that would mean going to jail and I hear it’s real slow in there. You ever done time, Taurus?

Gemini May 21-June 20
When’s the last time you were in a good snowball fight, Gemini? A real bracing red-cheeked war with the boys from the next block? Because I’m telling you, it’s what you need; I think your life has gotten a little staid. What I’m saying is… I think you’re dull.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Tighter sweaters, Cancer, tighter sweaters for everyone: men, women, girls, boys. Tighter sweaters keep us warm and make us feel sexy. Baggy sweaters make the baby Jebus cry. So take your poofy sweaters and get them wet and put them in the drier. And then they will be tight!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Hunger strike! It normally sounds so serious, but did you know it can also be fun? Try it. Start with breakfast: hunger strike! Then lunch: hunger strike! Tea time? Hunger strike! Dinner: hunger strike! Midnight snack: hunger strike! Keep going, Leo, and you’ll be righteous and slim.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Let the sun shine in, Virgo. Tear those old show posters off your windows, roll up the blinds… dude, seriously, you are not a vampire. Just because you want to French kiss with high school werewolves all the time does not automatically make you a creature of the night. It just means you need to see a therapist.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
So there actually was a Norwegian resistance movement during WWII. Yes, the country that gave us the word “quisling,” and pretty much welcomed the Nazis with open arms, did have enough brave souls to mount a pushback against the German aggressors. The point, Libra? You might surprise yourself if you try.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Some days just suck, huh, Scorpio? Everyone wants something from you and your back hurts and you have heartburn and the rent is due and you realize the films of Jim Jarmusch aren’t as good as you remember them to be… Where do you turn? I turn to drugs.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Any plans for Burns Night, Sagittarius? Of course not, nobody cares about Scotland. What about the Feast of St. David? Naw, Wales sucks, too. You know what doesn’t suck? The Canary Islands. Do they have a celebration day? You should host an ironic Canary Islands party at a local bar. That 
would be cool.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
So what’s up with dark matter, these days, Sagittarius? Have they figured out how to harness its power for better cell phone coverage, yet? Think about it: dark matter comprises something like 75 percent of the mass of the universe, and for all we can tell it just flows through us every day, invisible, omnipresent… Powerful?

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I think it’s about time you went downtown, Capricorn, and occupied yourself. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Actually, no, I don’t mean masturbation, I’m talking about taking over that part of your persona that craves short-term gain over long-term prosperity. Or maybe I do mean masturbation.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Sitting on a steamboat, drifting across a giant manmade lake in the middle of Utah, drinking a glass of red wine. You wonder how you got here, Aquarius, because frankly, you’ve been so drunk for the last three months, there’s no way you’ll remember. So, the moral? Sometimes a good bender yields results.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Old dudes in locker rooms seem to have no problem just strutting around naked, wangling everything for all to see, whereas younger guys seem to be way more nervous about public nudity. I have no idea where I’m going with this, Pisces, so have a good week.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Sleep deprivation can be all shits and giggles and yawping at the sunrise until somebody starts to see spiders on their hands. And I’m not just talking about a couple of tiny arachnids on your index finger, I’m talking about teeming, hairy masses. Get some sleep, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Honestly, Taurus, if at this point in your life you haven’t figured out if you’re a mountain person or an ocean person, you’re neither. So what are you? A pampas person? A savannah type? A high plains dude? We are products of our environment, so you should probably find yours.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I dreamt last night you woke up in the middle of Wyoming, surrounded by pink wolves. You weren’t scared, Gemini, you were talking to them all in the Wolf tongue, and you turned to me and said: “They want me to join them.” And to that, I said, “Go.” And you did.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It sounds counterintuitive, Cancer, but I feel like you should consider a New Year’s road trip. There is no better way to get in touch with one’s inner self than to be fishtailing on black ice ten miles outside of Peoria the day before New Year’s Eve with a trunk full of off-brand vodka.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Is it possible to live life without a soundtrack, Leo? How would we know when to cry, or when to laugh? Or when to make the sexy eyes at a room full of our parents’ friends? The right song is like a little instructional manual: you just have to make sure you’re listening.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Stop saying “holidays,” Virgo. Please. Just say Christmas or Hannukah or Divali or Festivus or whatever. There might not be a War on Christmas, but there certainly is a war on the richness and specificity of language. More speech, not less.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Did you know there are dozens of decommissioned underground nuclear bunkers all across the Great West? And they’re for sale to you and I, to live in? Holy shit, Libra. Do you want to go in with me on an atom-bomb hovel? WE’LL NEVER HAVE TO USE SUNSCREEN.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Give me land, lots of land and the starry skies above, Scorpio, don’t fence me in. Look, your country is crazy, and terrifying, and awe-inspiringly beautiful. I don’t even think you quite get it, having grown up here. Just trust me, you have everything to learn right here in your own backyard.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year, and I’ve been thinking of mixing it up a little: instead of a turkey, a Cornish game hen. Instead of candied yams, peanut M&Ms. Instead of pumpkin pie, Greco-Roman wrestling. Tradition reflects meaning onto our deviance, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 “Can I get a mic check, Capricorn? My Czech! Who’s Czech? Can we get the check, please? Whose streets? My socks! Your socks? This is what the moccasin looks like!” Sometimes, Capricorn, people don’t understand what you’re saying.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 Soil erosion may just be the single biggest threat to the American Empire as we know it, Aquarius. Soil everywhere is fleeing this once-great nation of ours for distant shores, and the perceived opportunities they present. What’s worse, is that foreign soil is blowing its way across our borders! (It’s not what it sounds like.)

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 There comes a time for every great social movement to cross a bridge. Sometimes that movement needs to cross the bridge on the footpath, and sometimes it needs to cross by the roadway. It’s nice, Pisces, when organized labor agrees to get arrested on the roadway, so you don’t have to.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Turns out that what doesn’t kill us doesn’t really make us stronger: Brain development in babies is all about the comforting, yo, and just because a wailing child left alone eventually stops wailing doesn’t mean it’s not messed up. Stress hormones, Aries, they fuck us up.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Ok, look, so I didn’t head down to Occupy Wall Street to offer myself up as a sacrifical arrestee: you see, Taurus, I’m a foreigner, and if I get arrested, that could jeopardize my time in your beautiful country, reading the firmament from my Montauk aerie. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

Gemini May 21-JUne 20
Do you I need to explain to you again the difference between style and fashion? Ok: the former ignores trends, the latter creates them. Got it? Ok, how about morals vs. ethics? Well, umm, yeah, ok… the former… uh… Just don’t shit where you eat, Gemini.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Mao wrote poetry, Hitler painted, Kim Jong-il ghost-directed several of North Korea’s most iconic films. Artists and autocrats share a desire to impose themselves on the world, Cancer—or perhaps everyone does, and they’re just better at it. All I’m saying is, there are worse things than being too self-doubting to ever finish your novel. Like: genocide. That would be worse.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I was lying back on the dentist’s chair, bleeding from my gums as usual, when the special medical-office easy-listening station began to play the Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me.” And sure enough, the hygienist began humming along, scraping the plaque off my teeth to the rhythm of the music. There’s never a bad time for synth-pop, Leo.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Everyone always be trying to get out of jury duty, Virgo, as if two out of every three successful marriages didn’t begin with the couple meeting on a jury, and disagreeing over the verdict so vehemently it could only be love. (Usually in this scenario the defendant turns out to be innocent.)

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Virtue is not something easily quantified: there are no tablespoons of truthfulness, no kilos of kindness, no megajoules of magnanimity. No, Libra, virtue can only be measured through self-reporting, much like the Nielsen ratings.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
A woman shielded her child’s eyes, a grown man fainted, and the manager strode angrily towards me as I stood, shirtless, drenched in sweat, tears, and residual hot sauce from the 100 wings I’d just consumed—in under five minutes! I’ll probably never be allowed back inside T.G.I. Friday’s, but did you see that waitress, Scorpio? She was totally impressed, right?

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Walking is overrated as a form of “exercise,” Scorpio. Two thirds of Americans are obese, and a few morning laps around the mall aren’t going to change that. We need to reinstate the draft (for both sexes, from 18 to 52) and occupy Canada. Not in a violent way, more in a “let’s all go hiking” way. Everybody wins.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Don’t you hate it when you’re listening to your giant music collection on shuffle and the same artist comes on every third song? Especially when you’ve been meaning to purge them from all your playlists, but haven’t had the time… Man, I really fucking hate Leonard Cohen, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Seaside versus mountains: this is one of the great arguments among rich people, Capricorn. “Where should we get our third home?,” they ask, querulously. To which I say, “Fuck rich people.”

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
We go through life, day to harrowing, stressful day, putting up with small, inconvenient irritations that we could, if we actually tried, fix. Seriously, Aquarius, think about it: so often we’d just rather complain about something than actually fix it. Well, I’m saying it’s time to start fixing shit.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Do you get nervous flying in teeny, tiny planes, Pisces? Because you know you shouldn’t, right? That you have more chance of getting hurt reaching for the frozen lemonade at the IGA? You could die at any moment, so try to have a good time.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
So, Aries, what percent are you? Insofar as you’re reading this horoscope, it is likely that you’re some kind of coastal elite fancy-pants, so even though you might actually care about poor people in America, you’re probably not actually one of them. But it’s nice that you’re capable of sympathy.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Have you had a chance to get out of the city, yet, Taurus, to see the leaves? Those bright colors sure are beautiful, aren’t they? Vermillion! Auburn! Aurellian! And you know what they signify? Death! Yay!

Gemini May 21-June 20
Small-town life seems quaint and bucolic for about 15 weeks, Gemini. After that point, once you’ve met and shared small talk with everyone in the surrounding area, it gets pretty excruciatingly dull. I mean, how often can you talk about the weather? Or minorities you met once?

Cancer June 21-JULY 22
The best thing about the coming winter is its promise of quiet. All those chattering, gnattering, chittering insects will finally shut up; along with those caterwauling urchins on the corner stoop who stay up way past their bedtime whooping like pookahs. And you, Cancer, you should shut up, too.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Hey, Leo, when’s the last time you put on your bathrobe, nuked up some truffle oil popcorn and sat down with a stack of Busby Berkeley? You owe it to yourself—as holiday madness looms—to carve out some “me time” (by which I mean “you time”). Or you could just go play paintball.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Just like that, Virgo, you look up one day and it’s all different. Your saddle’s cracking, your lariat’s dried out, your hat’s lost it’s shape, and your spurs are dull, dull, dull. But don’t worry, you’ll always have the power of extended metaphor.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Do you know the difference between the trumpet and the flugelhorn? I don’t. But does it really matter, Libra, which one is which when the melody is clear and bright and comes in just so after the second verse and it always brings a smile to your face? Naw, happiness doesn’t really need a name.

Libra Sep 23-Oct 22
So, Libra, big things afoot in downtown New York, dontcha know… How about them kids making a fuss with their signs and their chants and their drums? Frankly, I think a good protest would do you some good. You get some much-needed fresh air, release some frustration by yelling, and maybe, just maybe, you’d make some friends. You need some new friends, dude.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Daytime. An empty room. Some wine spilled on the floor. Tile curling up under the sink. The fridge door is swung open and it is obscene. Upstairs there is shouting. Outside, sirens. Why can’t you move, Scorpio? Why can’t you just bring yourself to some small moment of action? This shit is depressing.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Contrary to what some popular GIFs might tell you, you can’t fix things by adding more cowbell. Forgot your anniversary and threw up on the kitchen table? Cowbell won’t fix that. Embezzled millions from various orphanages? Cowbell won’t fix that. Party a drag? (Ok, cowbell will fix that.) The point, Sagittarius, is that different problems have different solutions.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 9
Ask anybody, Capricorn, and they’ll tell you: I LOVE ME SOME PIZZA. That’s the thing about me, I wear my joy on my sleeve, and my joy includes pizza, ice cream cake and the work of Marisa Tomei. Trouble is, I have no idea what you actually like, because you won’t tell me. Tell me!

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
This may sound crazy, Aquarius, and highly improbable, but that run of good luck you’ve been having lately? It’s going to keep going. I know, I know, why call down the curse of the gods with our paltry mortal hubris, but think about it: you’ve had some pretty bad luck for the last few years, haven’t you? It’s payback time.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Bruce Willis was pretty cool there, for awhile. I’m thinking right around Die Hard II: Die Harder, when he still had a bit of hair and hadn’t resorted to shaving his head and wearing weirdo cornet-player berets. Are you in a cool-window right now, Pisces? If so, make sure you take full advantage.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Life, sad and sadder still. You get to a point, Aries, when your friends start to die. Early on it happens suddenly, without warning. But as the years pass death gives us warnings, and the bad news lingers: an ugly midnight hum from the kitchen, keeping you up at night. Enjoy it while you have it.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Hey, I’m tired of all the Zooey Deschanel bashing that passes for small talk around here. Look, Taurus, she might not be your cup of tea, but damn it she’s got talent: she can carry a tune, she has good comic timing, and she’s not an idiot. Why you gotta be so negative all the time.

Gemini May 21-June 20
We often don’t really get what we deserve, Gemini, whether it be punishment or approbation. Should this impact our behavior, from day to day? Absolutely not. If you get caught worrying about the carrot and the stick, you’re never going to be able to see what’s right in front of you (Cake? It could be cake in front of you).

Cancer June 21-July 22
The first day of the season and hope abounds. You never know, Cancer, this could be the year. Sure, it doesn’t seem likely, but that’s the beauty of it, the game isn’t played on paper and anything can happen. This is why we like sports: because for all the stage-managed pomp and excess, it’s still just people locked in agon. Go, Leafs, go!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Dancing will solve whatever problem you think you have, Leo. Seriously, none of your worldly concerns amount to much in the face of an appropriately strident tango. Your sulky face is meaningless when there are foxes to trot. Go on, churn some butter, do the rhumba, whatever. Just dance, you fool.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
“Those who can’t do, teach.” Remember when people used to use that as a way of dismissing someone, or denigrating them? Well guess what, Virgo? Not very many people can simply “do.” Most of the successful arts professionals in this very city have teaching gigs on the side, to pay for their “art” habit. So, yeah. Quit poking fun at teachers.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22 Yup. Pretty sure that was my mom, just then, calling the president a "muslin traitor" in this YouTube compendium of Tea Party gaffes forwarded to me by a politically simpatico friend. Our shrill intractability and capacity for love are playing a dangerous game of chicken, Libra. Better move to Iceland before one of you ruins Thanksgiving.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 Do you ever get bored while on Twitter and reflexively open up a new browser tab so you can check Twitter? Um, me neither, Scorpio, but still, the flags warning of a chemical dependency upon web-based short-term mental stimulus are being thrown up at an alarming rate. Play more cribbage.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 There's nobody knows hard work like a lady's maid. Sure, they don't really still exist (they're called "personal assistants" now) but I've been watching nothing but historical BBC dramas over the last fortnight, and I'm starting to heavily identify with the men and women "downstairs."

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 Just the other day my beloved and I Decided that we hated the world so much—and all those parts of it we see every day—that rather than try to describe to each other the varieties of our discontent, we would merely ring a small bell but once, signaling to ourselves (and the universe at large) our displeasure. AND IT'S WORKING, CAPRICORN.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 I was on the F train and a saxophone player came into the car and started playing "Spanish Harlem." And I had to put my book down and I started sobbing right there, because I couldn't deal with that shit. I still gave him a dollar. Ben E. King is underrated, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 Man, sentient appliances are the worst, eh, Pisces? I thought it'd be all self-toasting bread and self-percolating coffee, like oh hey thank you for my breakfast, my happy glistening dancing machine-friends, but it turns out they become self-aware, and plot to destroy you, just like in that movie.

Aries Mar 21-Apr19 Have you ever thought about opening a pop-up shop? Taking out a short-term lease on a storefront, inviting a few trendsetting bloggers, and offering your political opinions and treasured memories at well below retail prices against a bare white backdrop, the better to build up a buzz around your overall outlook? It could be a great way to "launch" yourself, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20 It's odd to see people on the street who look just like someone you haven't thought of for years, but who you once knew very well. As we age, Taurus, we realize that whole chapters of our lives, which once held so much life, so much possibility, are now mere footnotes in the greater story of us. And fuck, it can be sad, can't it?

Gemini May 21-June 20 You need more banjolele in your life, Gemini. A pleasant, plunking soundtrack to lift your spirits when the agents of unhappiness get too close to home. The thing about banjolele is that it's less ostentatious than the jarring twang of the banjo but it has more gravitas than the tinkly ukulele. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Cancer June 21-July 22 The human capacity to make—and subsequently abet—obviously bad Decisions, Cancer, is a reMarkably evolved trait, the utility of which I still cannot determine. Are we still winnowing out the bad genes? I suppose we should be, if you just take a look around on any given day... Man, are we a failed species?

Leo July 23-Aug 22 Freedom is another word for nothing left to eat, Leo. Empty your fridge, empty your pantry, for if you free yourself from your earthly desires, the world in all its manifold possibilities will reveal itself to you like... like... like the manifold of a car whose hood you've just opened. Manifold. Man-i-fold. Man. I. Fold. Hmm?!?

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 I know you've heard the same things over and over again: eat more apples, comb your hair left to right, don't lick the electric fence, remove the plastic wrap before microwaving... Maybe it's time you just started ignoring every piece of advice you hear, Virgo.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Someday you'll look back on this period in your life, Virgo, and not remember what happened. Why? Because you're partying so hard. But keep it up, I say; ignore the Puritans in their stupid hats and ostentatiously dour outfits'tell 'em to suck it! Touching bottom can be good for the soul.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I just bought one of those awesome little robot vacuums that looks like a hubcap and storms around your house sucking up all the awful dust. I call him Wendel and sometimes we'll watch Hollywood Squares together and he'll make hilarious jokes about Bruce Vilanch. Oh how we laugh, Libra.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
The simple pleasures of toast cannot be exhorted enough. Toast! It is warm and crunchy! Toast! It supports our spreads, both sweet and savory! Toast! It partners with itself to create "sandwiches"! Toast! You can hurl it at attacking dogs to distract them! Toast! You can see your future in its burn pattern! (Seriously, Scorpio, take a look...)

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I get really depressed when things are too quiet. I need to have some music playing at all times or else I won't really know what to feel. Am I happy? Sad? Excited? It sort of depends on the next song to come on the radio. The soundtrack is way more important than you think, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
"It's too important to talk about right now" is actually a great way to get out of ever having to talk about anything. "I respect you too much to rush this" also works very well. At least 75 percent of the conversations we have are pretty much useless, Capricorn, so it's good to know how to get out of them.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Tall people, statistically, are more likely to succeed in just about every facet of life, based on just about every metric you can think of. This is why short people are always picking fights in bars'because they realize that in order to get by, they'll have to wound as many tall people as possible. Watch out, Aquarius, for the short.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Cake! Holy crap I could use a piece of cake! With strong black coffee! Is that really too much to ask, Pisces, in this City of Cake we live in? That's right, little known fact: if you scratch the surface of half the buildings in New York, you'll discover they are made of vanilla angel food cake. I'M NOT CRAZY, YOU ARE CRAZY.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Storm's a-coming. Whoo boy. Tie down your deck chairs, lash up your trellises, cinch your antennae cuz a hard rain's gonna fall. Or, to speak less figuratively, I suspect, Aries, you might be in for kind of a crappy week.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
So they have these things called "Thunder Coats," Taurus, for high-anxiety animals in need of rehabilitation. Mainly, I think, they're used for skittish dogs, and basically entail a super-firm, fully snug outer layer that soothes the beast. Man, they really work! I'm wearing one right now! And that's all I'm wearing!

Gemini May 21-June 20
It was so humid the other day, when I threw my rain cape in the air, it took over a minute to come back down. And when it did, it tasted like pea soup. That's thick, Gemini! And you know what else is thick? You, if you think you'll be happy staying in your current situation. Dude, time to break free.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It has become popular, lately, to blame others for our own problems. We see this in the political arena, in the world of celebrities, and even in the "straight-talking" clubhouses of professional sports. Generally, Cancer, I'd say this is bullshit, but in your case, right now, it isn't your fault. You know who to blame...

Leo July 23-Aug 22
People are so fundamentally broken it's staggering. We forget this, all the time. Even the "happiest" among us are filled with doubt, uncertainty, fear'to be aware of the inevitability of one's end is to be a death-row inmate in a perpetual state of dread. Also, Leo, make sure not to wear too much white after Labor Day!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
What is with you people and your obsession with flying squirrels? Look, I know they're cool, but can you please stop naming your start-ups or your bike stores or your coffee-roasting outposts "Flying Squirrel"? Enough, Leo. Leave poor pteromyini alone.

Virgo Aug 23-sep 22
Sadly, money really is the number one reason why marriages don't last. Isn't that a drag? And yes, I realize it's easy enough to say "money can't buy you happiness" but worrying about it all the time certainly doesn't help anyone feel better. So what's the solution, Virgo? Be rich, really.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
"If six turned out to be nine." Man, that has got to be one of the dumbest lines ever written into a rock and roll song, and that's saying a lot. It's a good thing Jimi Hendrix was a good guitar player. Maybe the point here, Libra, is that everyone says dumb things. Or maybe the point is that if you're cool and sexy you'll die at 27. Not sure.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I don't believe in ghosts, Scorpio. But I know some people who do. They're sort of goofy in their need to imbue places with supernatural flavor, as if the majesty and thrill of mere terrestrial existence isn't enough. This, I think, shows a lack of imagination, and an inability to see the world as it is: a wondrous place. Boo!

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
If you have to drive somewhere to get good bread, you're doing it wrong. Did you know that in rural France, the small-town bakeries will deliver to you every second day? It's pretty fabulous to hear the squeaky beep of one of those little Eurotrucks and head down for fresh pastries. You should move to France, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Why are you ignoring me? I tell you to do one thing and you do the other. How's that working out for you? Are you happy? Truly? I don't think you are. Now, I'm not cheap enough to try something so juvenile as reverse psychology on you, but here's some advice, Capricorn: grow your hair out

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
When I was a little kid, I used to ride on the back of my giant St. Bernard/Mastiff/Malamute mix. His name was Odin and he could fight a bear and scare away lost cross-country skiers in under a minute. I miss that dog. Sometimes, Aquarius, I'll dream that I'm riding him to work, or into town on a beer run. Those are 
sweet dreams.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Never apologize, Pisces; it's a sign of weakness. Pretend it didn't happen. Change the subject. Make it seem like you wanted to do it, that it's all a part of your awesome plan. Buy another round and get on with your life. Ignore the tears. Go to the bathroom when the check comes. Basically, be a jerk.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There once was a time when "digging around through your past" was a serious undertaking, when you had to catch trains and make phone calls and search through microfiches. Now, Aries, you can just sit around in your underpants following the Google trail as you randomly search for old friends. It's pretty boring.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Remember when those tacky Oakley sunglasses were really popular? Those were dark days. People were really into pretending that they did things like "mountain bike" and "hike"—people were liars. I look forward, Taurus, to the day when the global climate collapses and we can stop worrying about being outdoorsy.

Gemini May 21-June 20
They're working on the apartment building next door, refinishing the exterior, and there's all kinds of ashy particulate on the tree outside my window, and it's almost like snow. Except it isn't really, Gemini, it's more like the tree has turned gray overnight, like it's gotten very old. Don't get old.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I was told, Cancer, that in Clapham, a London neighborhood, there was some rioting on the high street, and that the looters systematically moved store by store, taking DVD players, computers, cell phones, sneakers...But when they got to the used bookstore, they skipped it. RESPECKT THE BOOK! Kindles, of course, were stolen.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
When we drink, we talk. You don't talk enough, Leo, ipso facto, you need to drink a bit more. August is a good time to take up new habits, so I would suggest you look into the cultivation of a regular Pimm's Cup just after lunch, followed by a Tom Collins just before dinner. This habit will make you more interesting.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
We carry so much secret bitterness within us, Virgo, that when it spills out it can be terrifying, especially to us. Why is it that we are all so angry? Why are we so disappointed by everything? Some say the universe was broken the moment it began. This might be the case.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I tried to warn you, Libra, but you wouldn't listen. You just had to get as close to the edge as possible just so you could "see to the other side." I suppose it's admirable the way you tied yourself to a tree with bungee cord (there is something to be said for foresight), but still, you're such 
an idiot.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's easier than you think, Scorpio, to withdraw from the world. The initial steps might seem difficult—turning off your cell phone, unplugging the television, kidnapping the paperboy—but once the flow of random information is staunched, the brain rapidly relearns the ability to process actual thoughts, to see once again the poetry of existence. It's nice.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
All those old songs we sang together, and the promises we made… Sentimental fools, Sagittarius, blowing smoke and talking smack, raising hell and sleeping rough. Did you actually enjoy any of that? Because honestly, I like being old and comfortable: give me clean socks and a nice chair any day.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Isn't it odd, Capricorn, how some towns—entire towns—can be grumpier than others, as if there really is something in the water? Or maybe it's the result of some historical sin, some distant shame that's been passed down through time, a perpetually diffuse moral stink, like a fart in a movie theater. I'm looking at you, Germantown.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
There's a town in Spain, Aquarius, where it's said at the center of the Plaza del Libertidad sits a fountain from which pours forth a spicy, dry rioja, available to anyone with a jereboam (or smaller). Personally, I would like to move to this town and become an alcoholic. You with me?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I used to think, Pisces, that there wasn't much sadder than a three-legged dog hobbling along in the park, trying to keep up with the other dogs. Now I realize that three-legged dogs are just about the best thing the world has to offer as far as resiliency and the capacity for simple happiness. Maybe it's because I started taking all those drugs.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
White noise. Sometimes it all seems like nothing but white noise, random wave transmissions billowing forth from innumerable soundholes, muddying your thoughts, numbing your will to action. You need a noise sword, Aries, to cut down to the bone and hear yourself.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Renovation is a dirty, ugly business. Uncovering the mistakes and bad decisions of the generation that has gone before serves mainly to show us how futile it is to think we can build something that will last. It's best to just give up now, Taurus, and start collecting abandoned Tumblrs.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Stormy summer we're having, eh Gemini? One second it'll be all sunny and pleasant, the sound of butterflies laughing in the distance, ice cream scoops for everyone, and then the next, a big, bleak wind storm will come along and destroy everything. And the butterflies will never laugh again.

Cancer June 21-July 22
One of the best ways to 
avoid electrocution when you're rewiring an old house is to keep your hands extra dirty. I've found a very good way to do this is to eat a bunch of sticky bbq backribs and then read through a stack of old newspapers—no current is strong enough to get through that, Cancer.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Outdoor concerts are generally a pain in the ass: it's too hot, the sound is bad, there are too many pickpockets, the beer is overpriced, you end up peeing your pants, your arch-nemesis is just over there... now he's getting closer... watch out! He has a gun! Then all hell breaks loose. Stay indoors, Cancer.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Postcards are all romantic and everything, but why not just send an email, Leo? Half the time I try to use the actual mail I end up being home by the time my postcards reach my friends and it's embarrassing because I've already confessed to them how shitty my vacation was even though my card says "Having a great time!" Which makes me a liar.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Do you have any idea how much a cushion costs, Virgo? I bet it's way more than you ever imagined. Seriously, a stupid boring cushion that you sit on and hardly even look at costs, like, $200. I hate being an adult, there's so much ridiculous stuff you have to worry about. Like STDs! What the hell? Life sucks. Also, I don't have crabs.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
You know what I hate, Libra? When people correct the gender of foreign words, like when you try to describe a brilliant female musician as a "maestro" and they're all like, "actually, that would be maestra" (or domina or whatever). Screw you, you pretentious jerk, do I look Italian? Yeah? Really? Cool.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Are you familiar with Italo Calvino's Baron in the Trees? It's about a dude who decides to live out his life in the trees, without ever touching the ground. I think you should try something like that, Scorpio: namely, set yourself some kind of limit, and try sticking to it, no matter what. You'll be happier.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
The Cure, The Cult, The Clash... I had a really hard time distinguishing between these three bands when I was eleven years old. But as soon as I hit puberty, it all came clear: The Cult was for fucking, The Clash was for talking, and The Cure was for crying. Sex, Sagittarius, it's all about sex.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Oh for the life of a wandering dog, just heading out on that high lonesome road in search of butts to sniff and roadkill to gnaw and puddles to gulp. Sure, you might not always have a warm bed to burrow into, but that's the price of freedom, Capricorn. Do you miss your freedom? You don't seem free to me.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Have you ever been to one of those foofy "eat some food while all the lights are out" events? They're pretty strange, honestly. One time I ended up eating an entire napkin made from recycled organic bamboo fiber. I felt great for the rest of the week. Sometimes you just gotta get lucky, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Man, beach season really snuck up on me this year. There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden my shirt was off and I was covered in sand. I had a cold can of beer balanced on my gut and I could already feel my toes starting to burn. But you know what, Pisces? I liked it, I liked the surprise. Don't fight the unexpected.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I was thinking of hiring my own private PR representation, Aries, someone who could manage all of my interpersonal relations to make sure I don't come off like a jerk. I've always had a hard time with how others perceive me. They all think I'm an asshole.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
If you pull your pants up any higher, we're going to need a doctor. I honestly don't know what you're trying to prove, Taurus, but it looks really painful. I get that there's a current style popular with the kids that's basically one step removed from the mom on Growing Pains, but I don't see why you have to be a part of it. Be yourself, dude.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I hate it when people say shit like, "Just be yourself and everything will be ok." Seems to me the single deepest existential splinter is the problem of the self: who we are; who we will be; why we are. Being alive is a constant struggle to discover and rediscover the self. To take a breath, Gemini, is to ask, "Who am I?" (YOU BE YOURSELF, JERKFACE.)

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
Buck and Wayne. Good names for a cat and a dog who travel around the country solving crimes and helping orphans win bake sales. Buck is the dog and Wayne is the cat. Buck is a Green Bay Packers fan and Wayne is into serial modernism. Oh, and he's also a Gemini. So yeah, things are looking good for you.

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22
You need solitude, Cancer. Way more than you've been getting: there's a limit to just hanging out with your peeps, killing time, telling the same jokes, doing the same drugs. You need to clean up and get out of town. Ride a horse. Chop down a tree. Skip a rock. You're having trouble seeing yourself right now.

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
Dang. It got hot, didn't it? That's right, Leo, another summer is here. Another scorching, humid, sweaty, stinky New York City summer. Maybe this is the year you finally spring for that air conditioner, eh? Because do you remember that time you got so sweaty part of your couch melted? Ew.

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 22
Bigger sunglasses, Virgo, that's all it's going to take. You worry too much about your look, about reinventing yourself every week or two. Just chill, and get some oversized sunglasses. Or you could stop caring altogether. Yeah, that's probably it, just stop caring. Can you do that?

LIBRA SEPT 23-OCT 22
Don't shoot the messenger, Libra. ok? Because I have some bad news: there's something in the back of your fridge and it's starting to smell a bit. Don't panic. It might be the brie, or that lentil stew you made last week, or possibly those protein shakes your roommate has been whipping up. Just burn it all.

SCORPIO OCT 23-NOV 21
Sometimes we get so deep we can't even see where we are—or where we once were, for that matter. We look and we look but we are blind to the past. What is it about us, Scorpio, that we make our lives so very, very hard? What crept into paradise and turned us into us? It sure 
as hell wasn't snakes.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22-DEC 21
I've always wanted to play out a big death scene on stage. You know, really ham it up and choke and rattle and moan, like Shatner on a benzedrine tear. Or better yet, I'd do it as part of some kind of insurance scam, or to fool evil terrorists into releasing their hostages... Have you ever wanted to act, Sagittarius? You 
should try it.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19
Do you know what a rearguard action is, Capricorn? I'm not totally sure that I do, but I think it has something to with fighting zombies off the back of a pick-up truck. You know you shouldn't use words and phrases if you don't really know what they mean. Even though I do it.

AQUARIUS JAN 20-FEB 18
You know what I hate about summer, Aquarius? There's no cross-country skiing. Also, all the bugs wake up and start stinging and biting and crawling all over you. I suppose it's always easier to hate than it is to love, and that the closer you look, the finer the line between the two really is.

PISCES FEB 19-MAR 20
Have you ever been out shopping for doll suits and just decided to arbitrarily follow someone? It's actually a really fun way to kill a Saturday afternoon. Remember, you're not trying to scare them, you're just trying to keep them in sight. This is a very good way to distract yourself from your real problems. You have 
those, right, Pisces?

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
Why create original stuff when you can just use a photocopier and then sell it like you made it? Now that's how you get rich, my friend. You see, Aries, the world doesn't really want new things, it just wants to see old things again, in a different light. That's why you should buy a flashlight.

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
Loud Hawaiian shirts are actually pretty important in a man's life. Not so much in a woman's. The trick is not having too much yellow. Too much yellow will make you look sick. Lavender, that's the secret weapon. Man, that lavender, like a Sudbury sunset on a summer night. Is this your first time at this laundromat, Taurus?

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Dr. Johnny Fever has always been one of my life's guiding saints. His dasein living-in-the-present radio candor should be a lesson to all thinking human beings: when in doubt, say what you mean and mean what you say. We should all be so lucky, Taurus, to have the spiritual clarity of a sitcom character.

Gemini May 21-June 20
You can't force a tagline, Gemini; you can't sit down one day and just start saying, "That's the way the cookie melts," or "Sometimes the bear gets you." The best things in this life happen naturally, have their own escape velocity from our mundane inertia. Sometimes you gotta let the dough rise on its own!

Cancer June 21-July 22
Be a pest. Be a jerk. Be a squeaky wheel, Cancer, because between you and me, you need the grease. You've tried to be reasonable, tried to be diplomatic, and it's just not working. Now's the time to bring out your angry reserves; to yell and scream and carry on until you get what you want. Stop being a doormat.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
When's the last time you sat down with a bottle of schnapps and listened to the "Ode to Joy" in its entirety? NEVER? Dude, seriously, you owe it to yourself to make a little time and get happy drunk. But before you do, Leo, please make sure to disable all your communication devices. Marriage proposals to exes are not cool.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Life is a lot like the acting career of Robert Downey, Jr. It can be sublime, cruel, unhinged, rewarding and devastatingly, soul-crushingly shabby. But through it all, the best in us gets up every morning, pulls back a Tequila Sunrise, and heads to the gym. Maybe you should stay away from Hollywood, Virgo.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
A young Gallagher (or Maybe Carrot Top?) once said, "Prop comedy is not possible after the Holocaust." And yet they persisted, taking mallet to watermelon night after night, thrilling us with their transubstantiation of crushed fruit into human joy, remaking the human experience in their own image. Also, Libra, Carrot Top is ripped, right?

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I saw a couple of hipsters at a Bedford Avenue kabuki joint working out the geisha's tip on an abacus. I'm serious. The abacus is the latest avant-elite bohemian signifier to make an appearance in fancy-pants Brooklyn, with mini-sized protocalculators lashed to the belts of the skinny asymmetricals everywhere. Pretty cool, if you ask me, Scorpio.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
What's next, Sagittarius? Are they going to ban waterskiing? I'm sick and tired of the government trying to ban my recreational activities, claiming "that's just not what America's about." Really? Well I'm an (naturalized) American, and I beg to differ. (Oh. That's not what waterboarding is? Ok.)

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
A deep rumbling belly hunger can be good for the soul, CApricorn. All too easily do we drift into quotidian complacency, blithely entitled, forgetting all the work and effort that brings us our water, our food, our power. It's good now and again to have to carry your own water, and grow your own food. Get your hands dirty, again.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Knowing your enemy is important, Aquarius. Vilifying and "monsterizing" him to the point of inhumanity serves little but the basest desires in the worst of us. Because you see, he is us and we are him. Oh, we are capable of miracles on Earth, but we are also capable of unleashing Hell on one another. So don't delude yourself.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Sleep. Glorious sleep. We remake ourselves every night as we sleep. Our cells divide, our brains reboot, our toenails grow. Sleep is a gift, a retreat. Our dreams tell us who we are, who we want to be, and what we might do. So if you could turn down that fucking radio, Pisces, I might be able to get a little shut eye.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I once saw a freshly hewn leg of lamb covered in deer ticks: they were all swollen to the size of cat's eye Marbles. It was both horrifying and beautiful, an expression of life in the universe, contingent and determined—and yes, I threw up in my hands. That which disgusts us, Aries, can sometimes transform us.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Sometimes people leave for a while. And when they come back, they think they can just carry on doing whatever it was they were doing before. In your case, Taurus, this would mean picking up that game of Fish you've been playing with Old Tom LeDroux for years. 
God, life is boring isn't it?

Gemini May 21-June 20
Grief is a selfish thing. But that's ok. Death is impossible to comprehend without recourse to self-delusional romanticism. We must wail and keen and beg and bargain. And in the end it's not even about the departed—it's all about the space in our lives they leave. Can't ever fill that space, Gemini.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I AM THE GREATEST ASTROLOGER OF ALL TIMES, CANCER!!! Well, maybe not. But you know, it doesn't hurt to be cocky now and then. Even if you don't necessarily believe your own shtick, it might actually start to form around you like a powerful force field of moxie. MOXIE!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I've been thinking a lot about streetcars, lately, Leo. You see, I grew up in a town that had one streetcar, which ran 24 hours a day, except on Sundays. We called this streetcar "Torvald" and it was operated by an old man named Wystan. I lost my virginity on "Torvald," and also a pair of glasses.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The best kind of leadership is by example, Virgo, so I'll start by promising to stop: hiding money in the freezer; leaving the dog on the roof at night; wearing two pairs of pants at the same time; using that dumb "Cockney" accent every time I get a little nervous. So, now it's your turn to shape up.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
It's hard to think of anything much better than a big, gooey, crispy slice of wood-oven pizza. Sure, Libra, sex is pretty good, but sometimes it can be more trouble than it's worth. Pizza, however, is always good (even if it isn't very good at all). Look, being alive is hard, so make sure you enjoy yourself a little.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
What's a little knife fighting among friends? Sure, on the surface it might appear to be about a romantic entanglement, but studies show that nearly 80 percent of knife fights are really just about money. And that's sad, Scorpio. What happened to good old-fashioned crimes of passion? Nowadays it's all about the insurance money.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Paul Bowles once said that "the soul is the weariest part of the body." I don't really have much to add to that, Sagittarius, except to ask you if you'd be able to park my car while I'm on vacation in Windsor. I really can't afford any more parking tickets. And if you want, you can drive to the beach!

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Sometimes, if I'm having trouble figuring out what to do next, I'll make a graph of the last week's activities in order to isolate any particular behavioral patterns. Then I'll print out the graph and put it on the wall. By the time I've done all that, Capricorn, I'll have forgotten what I was talking about in the first place.

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Summer! Or at least late spring! Such a happy time: the bees are trying on their bathing suits and the flowers are flirting with just about everyone; ice cream seems like a good idea and for the first time in forever we're actually looking for shade. Are you ready for another one of these, Aquarius?

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
You know that expression, "the sleep of angels"? If I were an angel (with, presumably, angelic powers) I really wouldn't want to waste my time sleeping. Frankly, I'd rather fly around and check out all the cool shit. You know, Wembley Stadium, Dollywood, Grauman's... Real angels don't sleep, Pisces.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There was a child in my village growing up—let's call him little Udo—who spontaneously grew a pair of wings on his third birthday. Of course, he couldn't control his flight because he was only three years old. He scared the shit out of the yaks, Aries, and totally wrecked May Day.

Taurus Apr 20- May 20
When you were a kid, you wanted to be a "protest singer," even though you didn't know what a protest singer was. So you went through your life with this vague purpose, aiming for something you weren't quite sure of. Well, Taurus, did you get there? I suspect not. But having a goal was good, wasn't it?

Gemini May 21- June 20
Every day you walked, and then waited. It was hot, but you had to see for yourself. You felt the sweat trickle down your neck, under your collar, as the sun went down. And then the lights came on and your breath quickened, the curtains were open...Are you a peeping Tom, Gemini?

Cancer June 21- July 22
Never is a long time, Cancer. Are you sure about this? I know you have your mind made up, and I confess I admire your decisiveness on this—but what if you're wrong? I made a terrible and hasty decision many years ago (to have my left leg shortened) and I still can't use a pedal boat. Think about it.

Leo July 23- Aug 22
I heard Steve Malkmus was doing guitar tech work in a strip mall just outside of Normal, Indiana. Evan Dando is making organic homegrown salsa in a trailer behind his house in Ivanhoe, California. Kim Deal is sitting just over there, watching me type. Do you have my pills, Leo?

Virgo Aug 23- Sep 22
You're only as old as you feel, Virgo! Bullshit! You're actually getting older and closer to death! Hooray! Whatever wisdom you feel you've accumulated is actually just exhaustion! Forget it! The human soul is like a plastic bag that eventually just bursts! Into plastic shreds! Sorry!

Libra Sept 23- Oct 22
The stars don't twinkle when you're in space, Libra. Fuck, that's depressing, isn't it? You know what else is depressing? Have you ever seen a monarch butterfly first thing in the morning, after a night at the Applebee's bar? Horrifying. Everything is beautiful and everything is ugly.

Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21
What kind of tree would you be, Scorpio, if a vengeful god was about to change you forever? I'd be a cedar, because they keep your clothes hole-free. I figure you for a willow tree these days...You seem a little droopy—and, I may add, a little histrionic. Get over yourself you drama-queen willow tree.

Sagittarius Nov 22- Dec 21
What are your four cardinal virtues, Sagittarius? Mine are anger, humor, resolve and beer. I think it's important that you try to articulate to yourself those aspects of existence that really, ideally, inform who you are as a person. Really think about it (don't just say shit like Truth, Beauty, Love...THINK!).

Capricorn Dec 22- Jan 19
So, that whole time, when you were freaking out but everyone told you not to? THERE WAS ACTUALLY A MONSTER IN YOUR CLOSET. People will lie to you, Capricorn, indiscriminately, if they think it'll make you feel better. And really, what's wrong with that? Nothing.

Aquarius Jan 20- Feb 18
Three jumpsuits, a water catchment system, two giant pots (one with beans, one with rice), and an orange tree—this is all we really need to survive. It might not be a "fun" way to live, but we need to prioritize what we want from the universe, Aquarius, and it's more than mere diversion.

Pisces Feb 19- Mar 20
Why do you always have that little scowl on your face, Pisces? Is it to insure that no one talks to you? It's working, isn't it? Granted, this will keep you sane on long train journeys, but are you perhaps losing out on the chance to make lasting and meaningful friendships when you least expect it? Probably not.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
You can't really do stupid things nowadays, Aries, and expect to get away with them. Everything is on film, all the time. For instance, I started out writing this horoscope in nothing but a giant, custom-made baby bib, but then realized internet images of that might discredit my reputation. So I put on my Bieber pants. Be smart out there.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
What's your beef, Taurus? Do you hate it when people ask you what your beef is? Is that, in fact, your beef? Or is it when people ask, "Where's the beef?," like that little old lady from the olden days? My beef, as a vegetarian, is beef. Man, what a weird word to keep 
saying:"beef." Beefbeefbeefbeefbeef.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Are you familiar with the expression "correlation doesn't equal causation"? It's important. For example, you dropped a bowl of milk duds on the floor last night during The Antiques Roadshow and it started to hail. Coincidence? Yes. You are not the center of the universe, Gemini. In fact, you're incredibly insignificant. Sorry.


Cancer June 21-July 22
Being able to ride a horse and shoot a gun will be valuable commodities when the Apocalypse comes. Also, field-dressing a deer, building a wigwam, starting a fire, and turning a yew sapling into a bow. Can you do any of these things, Cancer? What will you do when the Fresh Direct trucks stop coming?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I found it odd that you felt the need to go into 40 days of mourning upon the untimely death of Knut the German Polar Bear. You didn't know Knut, Leo—c'mon, you've never even been to Berlin. What is missing from your life that you feel the need to express emotion at such a great and vicarious distance? Meaning. Oh, yeah. Meaning.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Some days I like to play quoits, some days I like to play whist. That's just how I roll, Virgo, with a pretentious fixation on antique pastimes. We can't help the things we love, dude, we really can't. The worst thing is trying to suppress what makes you really happy, so you should stop doing that before you kill your neighbor.


Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I once knew a lutist named Christopher. If you ever called him Chris he'd freak out and hum Pachabel's fucking Canon until your ears bled. If you knew him, you'd only ever make that mistake once. My point, here, Libra, is that if something's bothering you, you have the power to make it stop. So just do it.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It would seem the Mayans were on to something, Scorpio. As it turns out, the summer of 2012 looks like it will feature the most intense solar storm activity in centuries. The Sun's electromagnetic freakout is going to mess our shit up: we're talking solar flares taller than 40 Earths stacked one atop the other. Chaos, dude.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
My great grandfather Jurgo always said it snows at least once after St. Patrick's Day. And damn him for being right. This crazy old town will crush your spirit with its crazy weather: halter tops and tube pants one day, mukluks and snow goggles the next… It will crush your soul, Sagittarius, and then pee on it. If you let it…

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
You know what would suck? Getting turned into a deer and having your own pack of hunting dogs chase you down and eat you. Granted, that's not very likely, insofar as I highly doubt you have your own pack of hunting dogs, Capricorn. If you did, would you even be reading this magazine? Man, what's it like to be rich?

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
It's very dangerous to have rooftop barbeque parties with homemade absinthe. Trust me. It all starts with delicately marinated bell peppers and next thing you know someone wants to try walking on coals and the whole building goes up in flames. Moderation and decorum, Aquarius, are the keys to the good life.

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20 If I see one more adult on a fucking push-scooter I'm going to step into them with my shoulder and knock them into next Tuesday. Why is it so hard to grow up, people? Is it fear of death? Acting like a tween in your early thirties is not going to forestall your inevitable physical collapse. Your organs are dying even as I type this, Pisces; deal with it.

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
This is it, Pisces. The world, in all its marvelous, frustrating, terrifying vastness is here for you to see. It's a big place, so I'd recommend you get started pretty soon, because really, how much time do any of us have? Take a boat, take a plane, take a bike, ride a camel… Whatever you do, just get going.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Take it to the dance floor, Aries. Put down that shiv and let your aggression flow from you in so much stylized "movement" violence. Trade in your leather jacket and dungarees for a freshly washed unitard and let the music fill you. Only then will you be happy.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Pretty thin gruel, Taurus. Honestly, I know you've put everything into it, all your heart and soul, but sometimes you just have to walk away from a project. It's a harsh lesson the world teaches us, but one we'd best learn quickly: just because you try hard, and want it bad, doesn't mean it'll happen for you.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Stone Temple Pilots are no longer elegant bachelors. Hammer time has ended. Madonna looks like Iron Maiden's Eddie. If you even know what I'm talking about, Gemini, it means you, too, are getting older. I'm sorry. It happens, the body revolts, things end. All the Care Bears are dead.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I dreamed I was floating along in a big iron ball, staring out the riveted portals at the storm-tossed sea as the Lumiére Brothers followed my progress in a dirigible made from profiteroles. It was a bad dream, Cancer, and I sensed you watching from just beyond my vision. Why are you stalking me?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
So apparently Smith Street is in Gowanus? Crazy right? I always thought of it as Carroll Gardens/Cobble Hill, but nope… You see, Leo, you can live for a long time with stupid assumptions that don't actually affect your day-to-day life. So, you know, carry on being dumb, I guess.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Time to work it out, Virgo. You can't live in that tree house forever. One of these days you're going to have to come down and out of the backyard to face your accusers. Or can you live in that tree house forever? It worked for the Baron in the Trees! So yeah, nevermind… try it!

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Is it weird for a thirtysomething male to be exhibiting all the signs of menopause? Because I just watched The Bridges of Madison County and I'm just crying a river here (but also horny, so...). Is something wrong with me, Libra? Is it a crime to find pantsuits both comfortable and elegant? I AM MURPHY BROWN.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Extreme sleep deprivation has occasionally been used by mental health professionals to lift the severely depressed out of their suicidal ideation. Seriously, it works. Around hour 24 of wakefulness, the brain starts to release all these wonderful chemicals. I've been awake for 36 hours, Scorpio, and I'm not even thinking of killing myself!

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
In a recent poll conducted in my house, it turns out that 65 percent of the furniture "strongly favors" my living there, while 45 percent of the cutlery "strongly opposes" my tendency to sit at the kitchen table eating astronaut food. But who believes polls, anyway, right Sagittarius? Even my cats think I'd make a good president.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Fever is a beautiful word. It's a slow word, not too bright, but hot. It feels good coming across the lips. It's a password for strange dreams, a shibboleth for those who burn like Roman candles, a movie with John Travolta, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
I think you're doing a great job, Aquarius. And I think you're going to continue to do a great job. One never knows how one will react to life and its cruel and unusual changes, but you're rising to the challenge like a real champ. And for that I salute you.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
So! You're here! What do you want to do today? Stroll around the neighborhood? Sip warm drinks? Muck around with finger paints? The world is an unprecedented self-generating engine of sound and vision, Pisces, of activity and sensation—let's get cracking.

Aries Mar 21-Arp 19
A test pattern has to contain all visual information a TV set might conceivably be called upon to represent; over the decades, technicians have fulfilled these evolving but stringent requirements in wildly divergent ways, producing 8-bit mandalas and credible Barnett Newman knock-offs. Life is like that, too, I guess? You tell me, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Helping other people be better at liking something is a skill often overlooked in this diffuse, solipsistic century, but don't think all those mixtapes and personalized recommendations have gone unnoticed. You're going to make a helluva librarian someday, Taurus, and not just because you look mad foxy in glasses.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Seeing your father naked is weird, isn't it? Like the mysteries of adulthood are rendered suddenly banal and even slightly silly? Like someone's just dropped an appallingly casual reference to the unknown disappointments lurking in your own future? Towels, Gemini. Just... towels.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Self-doubt is natural, self-doubt is good; not everybody doubts themselves, but everybody should. Self-doubt is natural, self-doubt is fun; self-doubt is best, Cancer, when it's free of self-pity, and undertaken with the goal of active self-betterment.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
In the 90s, before I switched to writing horoscopes in English, I published some cosmograms adapted from Cocteau Twins songs. We subsequently collaborated on several horoscopes; Cocteau completists still run my old Angelfire site through Google Translate, trying to find them. There's a lesson here, Leo, about the proper maintenance of one's discography.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Virgo, as digital photographic technologies offer ever higher definition and ever more lifelike resolution, do you ever worry that we're being carried towards an acontextual eternal present, in which all memories are stripped of texture and its potential for emotional friction? Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away—oh, wait, you already did. Fuck.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
The enemy is everywhere—perhaps even your co-workers or Twitter followers are infiltrators, harboring secret plans to subvert all that you hold dear: free speech, free enterprise, free salad and breadsticks, the band Free, former NBA all-star World B. Free, &c. Whom can you trust, Libra?

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
There's an app for that, Scorpio—and by "that," I mean boredom; mental stress and muscle tension; lack of confidence in social situations; the diamond-hard clarity of memory and the blinding dazzle of regret; or, conversely, the weightless void of present happiness. And by "an app," I mean "drinking."

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
We could send letters, Sagittarius—effusive, intimate, devastatingly witty letters, our anecdotes, judgments and asides spilling from our pens as easily as notes from a harpsichord. Alternately, we could dip our smartphones in sealing wax, and laugh merrily at the resultant Auto Correct blunders.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I sometimes stand before my mirror and don a fedora, or leather football helmet, or Viking horns, and talk to myself in the voice of a film-noir narrator, or a prewar letterman, or an Old Norse pillager: playing dress-up helps me relocate my narrative thread. Try telling your own life story in the third person some time, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Sure, Franka Potente is a beautiful woman, Aquarius—but that doesn't mean you should get a 1:1.33 reproduction of her face tattooed on both your quadriceps. I mean, I'm as big a Princess and the Warrior fan as the next guy, but it just seems a bit... excessive, no? Why not sleep on it?

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
We've been waiting for you for a while now. That's ok, though, you're here now, and man am I glad to see you. You honestly didn't miss much... A sunset or two, the Fall of the Berlin Wall, etc. So look, Pisces, now that you're here, maybe you should relax and stick around?

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Remembering the dead is something we must do by speaking their names out loud. If we don't, they'll get lost. They'll get stuck between the pages of books, or buried under layers of wallpaper. Go on, Aries, even if it hurts. The names.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Staying up late and getting drunk waiting for the early morning cartoons to come on is not something you should do more than once a week, Taurus. It sort of wrecks your chance at leading a decent life. Also, though? Decent life=overrated.

Gemini May 21-June 20
It's not cool to always be comparing people's body parts to food. "His arm was like a canapé," or "Her cheeks were like veal cheeks." See? Not cool, Gemini. How about you just dispense with similes altogether? REAL TALK FOR ONCE.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Visualize what you want. You want a box of raisinettes? Visualize it. Cricket helmet? Visualize it. Happiness? I'm not sure how you visualize that, Cancer. Flowers? A puppy? Raisinettes? I don't know. Happiness is beyond me.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
If you're going to gorge yourself on something, you have to be prepared to suffer for it. I knew a sous-chef who used to drink a bottle of Chartreuse a month, in one sitting, with all the lights off, listening to early Genesis. But you know, Leo, he never really suffered! So yeah, go nuts!

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
For once, just don't get in the middle of it, Virgo. Stay on the sidelines. Let opposing forces tire themselves out as you sit quietly by watching old episodes of Sanford Und Sohne. The world craves conflict, wants to grind us down. Don't let it.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Good Christ we are way too good at hurting the ones we love. It is our expertise, our calling, our mastery. We do not want to hurt the ones we love, but we cannot help it; in our eyes we hide daggers, in our hearts, slow clouds of poison. Have a good month, Libra!

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's frustrating when obvious things happen in obvious ways. Banal things we can see coming from miles away, happening in slow motion in front of our eyes. Bad screenplays, man, so many bad screenplays. We are all just walking around in bad screenplays, Scorpio.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Sing! Just sing when you're down! Sing when you're happy! Sing the shit out of that shit! Start with just sounds, basic vowels. And then add some words. Maybe rhyme them. Then, some beats... And hey, you're Mark Ronson! Way to go, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
What do you think taxi drivers think when they end up taking other cabs? Do you think they judge the other driver? Or do they maybe talk in secret cabbie code? I bet some of them lord it over other taxi drivers like they're momentary big shots. Don't be a jerk like those last guys, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It'll be nicer than you think. Really, I promise. Don't be scared. Be brave. Say yes. Get lost. Don't listen. Trust. It'll all be better than it looks. You have no idea. Also, the key to being a good cook is lots of butter. You're going to be just fine, I promise, Aquarius.