Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Horoscope: 1/16/13

Posted By on Wed, Jan 16, 2013 at 4:00 AM

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Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
There is a country called Sjype, where the ice never melts and you never have to ask for a fresh tankard and the bread is as black as a bear’s ass and the men all cry when they fight and the women all fight when they cry and there’s always hockey on TV. I want to go there with you now, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Rumor has it that people are afraid of you, Aquarius. That they’re whispering about you in bathroom stalls and calling you mad and power-hungry. If this is who you really are, embrace it. Make them shake with fear. If you think you’re misunderstood, buy them some cookies. Everyone likes cookies.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Idle flattery is a serious sin. But idol flattery is not a bad way to spend your days. “Your belly is so round. Your earlobes are so pendulous. You have eyes like banyan leaves.” Fucking idols.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
You think you run with fancy people, don’t you, Aries? They’re not fancy. You’re not fancy. You’d feel more at home in a Midtown hotel, but I have news for you. You can’t rent those hotel rooms by the hour. They’re only available by the night.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Indiana Jones said he was a doctor. But I have a hard time believing he got it together to write his dissertation. With the right hat—and a whip—anyone can say they’re a doctor.

Gemini May 21-June 21
Do you get tired of people romanticizing you, Gemini? Do you get tired of the poetry flung at you in the dark hours of the night? What’s wrong with you? There is nothing better than having people fall at your feet so that you can step on them and get higher than you’ve ever been before. Unless it’s bad poetry. Use your better judgment.

Cancer June 22-July 22
Once someone told me that everyone likes either Mexican food or Chinese food. No one can like both. But I think you don’t like either, Cancer. I think you just like oatmeal, because you’re fucking boring. Try something different. Burn your tongue. Live.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
This is the worst time of the year for you, Leo. It’s cold and you wear hats and you don’t look good in hats. Some people look good in hats, but not you. This too shall pass. Get earmuffs instead, maybe. You’ll still look ridiculous, but you always do. We all do.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The worst instrument is a saxophone. But the best is a xylophone. There are other good instruments, but everyone looks good playing a xylophone. The thing is, Virgo, you would look even better playing the guitar. Or the upright bass.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Boys. All I ever think about is Boys. Rick Moody wrote it in 2000. For Elle, which is not the same as The L. I don’t know why people get us confused. Rick Moody is always ruining everything, getting in my head, bringing me down, not letting me get high. Boys. Fucking Boys.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Once, not long ago, someone said to me, “You’re the devil, you know.” And I replied, “I know.” That man was Canadian Mike Myers and this happened in a dream, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. It doesn’t mean I’m not the devil. So pay attention when I say, Scorpio, that things are about to get dark for you. But you like dark, don’t you?

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I was making pancakes using a spatula shaped like a snowflake. The longer I looked at the snowflake spatula, the more I realized that it looked like a gaping white asshole. I burned my pancakes. But my bacon was still good.



Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Horoscope 1/2/13

Posted on Wed, Jan 2, 2013 at 4:00 AM

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Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19


I recently discovered the existence of something called a “muffin top.” I am not, Capricorn, referring to surplus thoracic lipids hanging out over the Jordache cliff—no, no, not that. I’m talking about a baked good meant to mimic the “best part” of the muffin, the sweet, crunchy top. Ugh. I hate muffins, and I hate muffin tops. I might even hate you.


Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18


Just stay alive, Aquarius. Stay alive and I will find you. Even if we’re just temporarily separated at Ikea. Unless you end up in Smaland. Then we’re both fucked.


Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20


I’m pretty sick of circus-inspired marching bands. I’m also sick of dogs in strollers. But mostly I’m just really sick of Tuesdays. They’re supposed to be the most productive days, but they’re actually the most depressing. Tuesdays are like April. Cruel and full of hope. If it’s Tuesday, Pisces, stay in bed.


Aries Mar 21-Apr 19


When I was 12, my friend got Public Enemy tickets. I was really excited to go, but as the night approached, I got more and more anxious. It seemed really daunting to go into the city and go to a grown-up rap concert. So the morning of the show, I pretended I had a sore throat. It’s the lamest thing I’ve ever done, Aries, and I still regret it.


Taurus Apr 20-May 20


All that shit you keep talking about, Taurus, that you’re going to do with your life? If you don’t do it in the next two years, you’re fucked. And another thing—STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO. It’s embarrassing everybody.


Gemini May 21-June 20


I hated that Tom Hanks movie where he lives in an airport. You know why, Gemini? Because I want to live in an airport. Mainly because everyone is excited to be going on vacation or being reunited or coming home. Also, the tiny, tiny bottles of booze.


Cancer June 21-July 22


Now that Christmas and its be-tinseled despair is past us, it’s time to buck up and fly right... As usual, Cancer, you probably slept with an elf and threw up on Santa and did all kinds of terrible things, but hell, let’s just look forward shall we? Try not to fuck up MLK Day too badly, ok?


Leo July 23-Aug 22


Do you sometimes think you are a ghost, Leo? A lost soul attached to this mean little ball of dirt, startling cats and frightening spinsters, rattling cabinets and making the TV all fuzzy? What if you’re haunting your own life and you don’t even know it? That would be fucked up.


Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22


You find yourself alone in a forest. You’ve just woken up in a rusted out old VW van. You’re wearing vintage Dutch sanitation coveralls (which, awesome!). You have a gun in your hand and blood on your shirt. What do you do, Virgo? Remember, the moss grows on the north side of the tree.


Libra Sept 23-Oct 22


It’s hard to fit a square peg into a round hole, Libra, but, you know, IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE. Maybe instead of enumerating all the reasons why it can’t be done, you should start thinking of how it can be done. Instead of NO all the time, you should start thinking YES. You and I both know it comes down to a bigger hammer.


Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21


Ah, all those days and weeks and months that flow past us into the great night of forgetting... Our lives, Scorpio, constituent of the smallest of moments, are infinite, like the immeasurable coastlines of Norway. And then they are over.


Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21


Everyone should wait tables at some point. Even if you don’t need the money, Sagittarius, you could use the humility. Also, I think I would really enjoy ordering a bowl of soup from you, off the menu: “PEA SOUP,” I would say, and wink.


Image Wayne Thiebaud



Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Horoscopes: 11/21

Posted By on Wed, Nov 21, 2012 at 3:39 PM

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Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I’m going to Disneyland. Not to go on rides, Scorpio, or to eat cotton candy, or to flirt with furries... Nope, I’m going to Disneyland to settle the matter once and for all: Does Žižek work part time as Steamboat Willie? And if so, is that even a costume?

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I just finished weatherproofing my house, Sagittarius. I took three or four vintage leather jackets and nailed them over the windows, and slathered almond butter all over the ceiling, and stacked old issues of Saveur under the bed until there was no more room in the bedroom. It’s going to be a long, warm winter...

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I started a private club last year devoted exclusively to the reenactment of noteworthy reenactments of noteworthy battles. Of course, the most famous reenactment of all time is the May 11th, 1998 Battle of Little Bighorn, during which Clem Blank spontaneously combusted. It’s been tough, Capricorn, to recapture that magic.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
I knew a girl in high school who had over 10,000 stuffed animals. Her dad built her a whole new outbuilding to house them all. It was creepy and sad, but I also found it weirdly erotic. We had sex amid all those plushy creatures, and I almost suffocated. That girl, Aquarius? Lisa Bonet.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Do you know if Paul Rudd is still alive, Pisces? I read on Twitter that he was killed at a Clueless fan-appreciation event at the Hollywood Bowl. I really hope Paul Rudd isn’t dead. I love that guy.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
In order to hunt human toddlers successfully, first you have to get into the mindset of the toddler: violent, narcissistic amorality, Aries. Are you prepared for that? Of course you are. (You guys hunt toddlers, right? Right?)

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
It’s going to take a much better curling broom to get that stone into the house, Taurus! You’ll never have any luck with that tiny, wee tool. Because when people tell you it’s not the size that counts, they’re just being nice.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I found a toy elephant at the dump yesterday. He wouldn’t stop talking to me. He kept saying I should put shag carpet across both floors of my crab shack. I said that would smell by St. Swithin’s Day. At which point, Gemini, that sumbitch charged me.

Cancer June 21-July 22
“Little miss little miss little miss can’t be wrong.” Possibly the worst lyric ever committed to tape, Cancer. I was jet-skiing along the Grand Canal last week when that song came on over my special aquafunk stereo. I threw up all over the Doge. And this was in Venice, California. Figure that one out.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
The absolute worst job at my childhood commune was mediating the cat disputes. In order to mediate a major cat dispute successfully, you have to spend the night with your head in a litter box. And that’s why I hate Swedish hippies, Leo.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
If you see something shiny, Virgo, you should take it. If you see something dirty, you should clean it. If you see something sad, you should cry. What I’m trying to say is BE MORE OBVIOUS, DUDE.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Why does every parent in Brooklyn name their children such foolish things? Serpentinio and Fluke? Shale and Galen? Charlemagne, for crying out loud? If you ever have a child, Libra, you need to call them either Dave or Donna. The End.


Photo from The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology



Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Horoscope 10/24

Posted By on Wed, Oct 24, 2012 at 4:00 AM

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Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Rules aren’t, in fact, made to be broken, Scorpio. They are designed explicitly to be followed. When you break the rules (gravity, threes, attraction), the universe lifts its weary face to the sky and prays for rain to hide its tears.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I recently left my journal at the McCarren Park dog run. It was very embarrassing. I came back the next day and all the dogs—Scooter, Harley, Izzy, Mister Mister—looked at me like I was some kind of perverse dog hater. Yes, Sagittarius, they had read my July 10 entry on Boston Terriers.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Sometimes when you hear the songs you loved as a 13-year-old you feel your bowels contract into a sharp accusation of humiliated rage; other times, you think, “Wow, I was pretty cool for a dumb kid.” And therein lies the difference, Capricorn, between the Spin Doctors and New Order.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
What if they actually made knives out of butter? So you wouldn’t need a butter knife anymore? That would be awesome. And imagine guns that shot out peace bullets? Imagine, Aquarius, if I didn’t owe you $300?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
You should never wear sports sandals, ever, under no circumstances. Just wear shoes. Or better yet, cut off your feet, so you’ll never even be tempted. Actually, Pisces, you should just fire yourself into the sun to be safe. NO SPORTS SANDALS.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Life can sometimes be a lot like shitty AM rock from the mid 1970s: hollow, meaningless, and yet somehow full of harmony. Complacency is a poison bullet, Aries, that creeps ever closer to your heart.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
It’s sad when flowers are lost to the first frost. Because before they’re hit by the morning sun, they’re actually held there in icy stasis, their youthful bloom preserved in white. And then the evil sun melts everything. The sun is evil, Taurus.

Gemini May 21-June 20
It’s never too early in the season to put holiday bells on your dog, Gemini. Particularly if you hate your dog and are worried he or she is trying to kill you in your sleep.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Where I come from you could receive 25 lashes in the town square for not celebrating Halloween—that’s how hardcore we were. I knew a guy who checked into a mental hospital for five months just so his Charles Manson costume would win the village prize. Where’s your commitment, Cancer?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Have you ever had to go out and buy pillows, Leo? It’s an ignoble undertaking to say the least. Pillows are the kinds of things you should always just borrow from your Great Aunt or find in the road. Also, pillow salesmen. Ugh.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
“This message sent from my iPhone, from a beach, near Malibu.” Wouldn’t it be cool if our gadgets provided us with the moral compasses we so often sorely lack and told the truth? So when our coworkers sent us self-important emails from the beach, WE’D KNOW? That would rule, Virgo.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
While ice hockey is officially seen as the dratted sport of the Norse invaders, it is nonetheless a beloved pastime on the frozen fjords of my native Lapland. This is just one more reason I love winter, Libra. Also, drinking in bars with Christmas lights is the best.



Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Horoscopes 10/10

Posted By on Wed, Oct 10, 2012 at 4:00 AM

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Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
If you want people to think you have fathomless depth and an old, old wisdom, just don’t say much, ever. Seriously, Libra, I’m not talking about being a little less chatty—I’m talking about stone-cold silence. Huge stretches of it. People will think you’re a fucking genius.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I tried to have a pledge drive on my front lawn last week. I was trying to raise money from readers like you so I could buy a new fridge. I carried my old rotary phone out there, and before I could even plug it in, it rang. It was you, Scorpio, and you pledged $20. So pay up.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I want a nice little house in the foothills somewhere. I’m not sure which foothills, and I don’t think I really care, Sagittarius. I’ve just always loved the word foothills and what it conjures: a sleepy, rolling stretch of transitional topography, majestic (and cold!) mountains on one side, the fecund prairie on the other. Yeah, foothills.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Suffering is entirely overrated. It confers no virtue, creates nothing new, and serves mainly to exhaust and degrade us. We are not like Paduan violas, Capricorn, gaining in depth and beauty with each decade of use... Nope, we just get tired and old.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It turns out, Aquarius, that there are nearly 20 different Brooklyns across America, and almost all of them are cooler than the one in New York. In Brooklyn, Ohio, for example, you’re allowed to keep up to six chickens at once! SIX! That’s pretty cool.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Eternity is a long time, Pisces. So when you say you’ll be a New York Islanders fan for eternity, and that you want your remains shot out into space inside a canister with Mike Bossy’s face on it, all I have to say is “awesome.”

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I never said nothing! I didn’t! I would never betray you like that, Aries, I swear. I’m really good at keeping secrets. For example, I’ve kept this one secret for 30 years: Liz Lermann has three nipples. Man, that feels good to get off my chest. CHEST! HA!

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Halloween is not a particularly scary holiday, honestly. Mainly, there’s no family involved and everyone (who’s not a small child) gets drunk and has the kind of hedonistic good time that comes from wearing a mask and being anonymous. So yeah, Taurus, not scary at all, so you can come out now.

Gemini May 21-June 20
The heart is a lonely hunter, Gemini... What does that really mean? That the heart likes to hunt, but can’t find any friends, so is lonely when it hunts? Sad heart, I guess. Do you have a sad heart sometimes? I do.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Fall rain is the coldest rain of all. Once your socks get wet with fall rain, they stay wet the whole day as you sit at your desk, contemplating your life choices, wondering if you could survive the two-story drop out the office window, which would be an awesome way to quit. Fall rain, Cancer.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
My baloney has a first name, Leo, and it’s Justin. Justin has been with me since Sidereal Vocational Training Institute and Caribou Ranch, in Ystad. Except in Sweden we called him Josteen. One day I might have to eat him, but not today.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Seattle seems pretty cool, I guess. But everyone’s a little bit sadder. And the tricky thing, Virgo, is I can’t tell if the sadness is cooler or just irritating. Like, you try to just order a bagel with soy cream cheese and you’re met with tears. Cool or not cool? I still don’t know.


Photo Ansel Adams



Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, May 23, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Looking for work is shitty. You have to say all kinds of dumb, positive stuff about yourself, along with a bunch of dumb, positive stuff about the boring, useless, soul-numbing position you’re applying to, alongside hundreds of others. That’s why, Gemini, when I’m not writing these, I rob boats.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
For too long, Cancer, I have denied myself a singular pleasure, the one and only thing that makes me truly happy. I’m speaking, of course, about naked waltzing. Alone, with friends, at night, looking in the mirror… There’s no joy like naked-waltz joy.

Leo July 23 - Aug 22
“If you try on the sweater, you’re buying the shoes.” This is obviously a nonsensical sentence, Leo, but you know what? Most pithy pieces of folk wisdom that people brandish like real advice are nonsensical. What I’m saying, here, is that you shouldn’t listen to anyone, ever.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Are you forgetting a lot more these days, Virgo, than you used to? Little stuff, like the word “fork” or where you went to high school? Maybe you should stop huffing air through those old vacuum tubes you found in your uncle’s carport.

Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22
As the president of a 4-Tune 50,000™ company, I’m pretty good at the following things: ignoring the phone, parking on the lawn, tweezing between my eyes, and asking my uncle for money. What special skills do you have, Libra, that you’re probably wasting?

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
Have you ever wondered about animals in children’s books who appear to be wearing fur coats or hats? Because that would be like if you or I walked into a cocktail party wearing the skin of a French person or something. That would be wrong, right, Scorpio?

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
If my name were Chad, I think I’d go mad. If my name were Steven, I’d have to get even. If my name were Lou, I’d feel rather blue. If I were a Sagittarius, I’d be worried that the coming weeks will be filled with trials and random indignities.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Snow? In June? That’s what I’m saying, Capricorn; everything’s topsy turvy: popsicles you eat with a straw, horses playing tennis, the New York Mets! What is one person to do in such a higgledy-piggledy world? Personalized catamarans, that’s what.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius, you’ve always been my favorite sign: you’re a little crazy, charming, intense, and always up for an adventure. That’s why I’m rewarding you with this month’s “Your Life is Going to be Awesome Now” astrological prediction. Seriously, you’ve had this coming for a while now.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
I recently discovered upon the YouTube an old George Plimpton television commercial in which the plumby Paris Review founder endorses the Intellivision video game system over Atari. The spot also featured some young men, having fun. I’m pretty sure one of them was Bret Easton Ellis, Pisces… That’s fucked up, right?

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Have you ever heard of still-water rafting? It’s a new pastime where you just sit in a little boat on a very still lake, drifting ever so slightly hither and thither, trailing your fingers in the water, waiting for something to happen. And nothing ever happens, Aries. Ever.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
So, 2012 is basically half over and the world’s still here. I confess, Taurus, I have a lot riding on the end of the world. I’ve been consuming nothing but steak and Old Fashioneds for the last six months: my savings are almost gone, and I lose my breath just watching the teevee. Lesson: there are 
no lessons.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Apr 25, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
I’ve always liked those weirdo houses that keep their Christmas decorations up all year round. There’s a certain bent gaiety to it that the world could most certainly use more of. But what I don’t like, are the year-round Halloween decorations—that’s rank paganism, Taurus, and I won’t stand for it.

Gemini May 21-June 20
If you had to choose, would you live in the headwaters of the Orinoco, amid the Warao Indians, or on the northern tip of Baffin Island, amid the Uqalurait? It’s pretty important that you choose RIGHT NOW between the unforgiving claustrophobia of the rain forest and the dislocating vastness of the tundra. Have you made your choice yet, Gemini? Good.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I recently bought a punt on CoolOldPunts.com. My punt is a nice faded heather and has a needlepoint cushion upon which appear the faces of the Two Ronnies, one per cheek. My punt also came with a long punting poll made from the finest Yorkshire mahogany. Would you like to go punting with me, Cancer?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
It’s always better to have one person in charge. I don’t care how warm and fuzzy you feel about consensus and committee, Leo, they never fucking work. Is it really better to have everyone involved in a project unhappily compromising? The answer is no. Autocracy for the win!

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Picture it: an army of puffins, trained to do your bidding, expert in all things, from picnic packing to extreme rappelling. You just have to want it bad enough, Virgo, and buy a lot of kelp treats. But as in all things, you will be tempted to use your power for evil, mainly by rogue narwhals. Ignore them.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I’ve been hounded by the same alumni representative from Lappland Astrological and Phrenological College for the last decade. Her name is Karl and she’s relentless. So, Karl, if you’re reading this, I am not going to make any donations toward the Jasper Kindl Reindeer Rehabilitation Lounge and Shooting Range. Sometimes you need to use whatever platform you can, Libra.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I made a pretty terrible Freudian slip the other day, Scorpio. I was at the Annual Astrologer’s Crystal Ball, giving the keynote speech on Romantic Futures, when I said “vagina party” instead of “virginal blandishments.” The bastards booed me off the stage.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
It’s very, very strange to see old friends suddenly become famous, isn’t it Sagittarius? But instead of defacing their portraits with gallons of glitter juice, maybe you should turn that energy into improving your own prospects of fame. Maybe you should ask, “Where did I go wrong?”

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
People sure do get funny about money, don’t they Capricorn? No matter how close the relationship, or how well we think we know someone, you can never be certain how they’ll handle large sums. My point here is that you need to get everything in writing, lest your cousin spend your entire inheritance on gummy bears.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
When is a phenom no longer a phenom? At what age does precocity metastasize into preciousness? I suppose it’s different for each discipline: nobody cares about an 18-year-old soccer star anymore, but an 18-year-old novelist… Wow! My point here is that you’re really old.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Science is very close to allowing us to be invisible (in dimly lit places). With this new-found power, I am going to sneak into art museums and clear my throat behind people as they stare pretentiously at paintings. You see, Pisces, with great power, comes great opportunity for messing with people.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Burger King, Pepsi, The House of Lancaster… Sometimes it’s ok to finish second. Most times, though, it isn’t. So I think, Aries, you should probably get back to your daily practice regimen, instead of flopping down on the Barcalounger with potato salad to watch Muriel’s Wedding again. Be a winner!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Let’s go down by the riverside and have ourselves a picnic. We’ll bring a big bottle of rosé and we’ll tie it to a tree and let it chill in the flowing water. And we’ll pick blueberries and eat them with cream. And then, Aries, we’ll play Skyrim till our ears bleed.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Hey, Taurus, do you know anything about high frequency trading? It’s basically computers buying and selling massive amounts of stocks, extremely quickly, for huge (most of the time) profits. With that in mind, I think I’m going to turn this column over to my iMac.

Gemini May 21-June 20
This is what my iMac thinks of your future, Gemini: “You may or may not endure some particularly bad hardships over the next two weeks. It is very important that you try to be a good person throughout, whatever the case. Because good people are important. 404 error, did not read.” You’re welcome.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I knew a spoonman, once, who carried the tools of his trade in a velvet box, right next to his pearl-handled Colt. His name was Wendy and he was the best I’d ever seen… He got a job out west, administrative work at a medical marijuana farm. Every now and then he’ll pull out the spoons in the middle of the night, and gorge on ice cream. Take care of your dreams, Cancer, don’t lose them.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I’ll see you on the roof, Leo: two of us will go up, and only one of us is coming down. Pretty intimidating, right? (What I actually mean is that one of us will have to go down at some point and get the beer out of the fridge when it’s chilled. So, yeah, cooperation!)

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
There’re always about three nice spring days that I fully enjoy before experiencing that first moment of “oh god it’s hot and there’s sweat dripping down my back.” Ugh. Always crossing to the shady side, slipping into the sex shop for a quick blast of AC. Summer in New York, again. But those were some nice days, right Virgo?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
It’s seed planting time, yeehaw! Get your seeds ready, your heirloom brumbywort and antique thistlemottle! Oh to bite into a ripe, delicious mizzleberry, the sugargrass between your toes… Spring makes us all crazy, Libra. Go be crazy in the garden.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
You know who are really good at shoplifting, Scorpio? One-year-olds. They cruise around down there in their strollers, under everyone’s radar, just filling their conveyances with all manner of bottom-shelf bounty. It’s a fucking epidemic, babytheft. Are you brave enough to say something?

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I just drank a chocolate milkshake right out of the garbage. Well, it was in a sealed bottled, and it was a “milkshake drink,” but you get my drift. Have you ever noticed how much food gets thrown out in New York City? It’s a staggering waste, Sagittarius. My main point, though, is that chocolate is delicious.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I just watched a totally radballz video of Christian Hosoi and a bunch of other old-schoolers skating through Manhattan in 1985. I’m not sure what this says about your future, Capricorn, but your past was awesome.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It’s soon time for me to start training the next generation of astrologers. You see, in order to truly understand the secrets of the firmament, you have to start very young—it’s like learning how to waterski, obviously. So, Aquarius, I’m off to my sidereal dojo, with orange slices and Nutella. Bye!

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I have this vision of Mozambique in the 1970s: sitting at a beachside bar in the middle of the night, staring out across the ocean to dark and distant Madagacar, my dashiki damp from the day’s exertions at the Bourse… More plantains, Pisces?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Mar 14, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Somewhere beyond the sea there sits an island. And on this island is a tiki bar in which you’ll find a wise old Finn sipping a Pimm’s Cup, doing the Figaro crossword. If you asked this Finn, Aries, what lay in store for you, he’d give you five words: “I have no fucking idea.”

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
I fall to pieces each time one of those John Deere commercials comes on the tee-vee and I can smell the freshly cut grass back at the Iroquois Park Athletic Complex where Shannon Bolton used to referee boys soccer and we’d all try to hit the passing freight trains with our (soccer) balls. I’m crying right now, Taurus!

Gemini May 21-June 20
You don’t seem to really be listening to what I’m telling you, Gemini. For years now I’ve been busting my hump with this shit trying to straighten you out—and it honestly doesn’t seem like anything’s getting through to you. Here’s a tip: take charge of your life before it’s over. Fucking hell.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I’ve never met anyone who’s actually gone white-water rafting. I see it in television commercials all the time, fun-filled narratives of young post-collegiate professionals living life to its fullest, smiling away the bitter emptiness inside. I repudiate this narrative, Cancer, and say, “Hey, meet me in the bar.”

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Give me the love of a hard-working cattle dog any day. When times are tough and you need a friend, that cattle dog will be there. If you’ve lost your brumby and you’re tits-high in a chazwhuzzle bog, that cattle dog will be there. And if you find yourself stuck touring with Midnight Oil, yup, Leo, that cattle dog will be there.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
I used to sit in my room for hours, Virgo, just playing away on my bass mandolin, singing songs about Big Macs and Suzuki minibikes. And then I’d throw on my ass-less pashmina, go up to the roof, and barbeque an egg. I was free then. Were you?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Just when we think we are damned, ruined for this life, finished, down floats a mote of light, illuminating the possibility of hope. And so we dig ourselves up from the trash-strewn gutter, shake off the feculent webs of failure, and stroll on over to Dairy Queen. “Because it takes time to truly give up.”

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Rye and ginger, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Rye and ginger, I love you, and think you are the best. Rye and ginger, you’re so smart you never fail your tests. Rye and ginger, I’m so drunk, so thanks a lot for that. Rye and ginger, you’re going to make me fat. Rye and ginger! Thank you.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Rooms are happier when they have mobiles of swallows in them. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure this is indisputable. Also, have you ever noticed that swallows spelled backwards is swollaws, which almost sounds like “swallows”? Makes you think, huh Sagittarius?

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
The world is one big jerkstore. And guess what? Jerks are half off today. That’s why you see so many jerks everywhere. To wit, Capricorn, you’ve been acting like a jerk these days (and no, just because you warn everyone about how you’re lately predisposed to jerky behavior doesn’t get you off the hook). I’m a jerk, too, I think.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Sometimes, dear Aquarius, we just have to let it all go and become silly. We need to laugh at fart jokes until milk comes out our ears. We need to throw fruit at the wall and set fire to the mini-putt course. If we forget what it is to be a first-class jackass, then the terrorists have won.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
True fact: the Ewan MacColl song “Dirty Old Town” (made famous by the Pogues) was actually about Sudbury, Ontario, which really is a very dirty town. I think the moral here, Pisces, is that most songs are pretty much true.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Feb 1, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Soon, Aquarius, soon your long trial will be over. We’ll finish up the last tasks, put away the floor buffer, fluff the pillows, put our feet up, and watch the shit out of Downton Abbey. They say life is always complicated, always busy. But you know what? Sometimes it can be pleasant, relaxing, and fun. Let’s get to that place, yes?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Goodbye, Pisces. You were a pretty fascinating creature in your time, a paradox of propriety and pugnacity, surprising, funny, occasionally wonderfully mean and, perpetually, full of deep, constant feeling. Not exactly sure where you’re going, if anywhere, but I’m glad you were here.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
You should probably stop writing important to-do notes on your hands, Aries: they look like the inside of a 1981 A train. It’s a funny curse, having non-erasable skin, having to deal daily with the palimpsest flotsam of errands done and undone. But let these mementos of failure gird your resolve.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Frozen waterfalls are awesome, like, mad-sick awesome: dude, it’s falling water, falling water, frozen in place. If that’s not just a rad metaphor for something rad, I don’t know what is. Do you know any rad metaphors, Taurus? Like, say, an amphibious monster truck crashing a hoity-toity regatta? Yeah, awesome.

Gemini May 21-June 20
We’re making pretty good time, Gemini—at this rate, we’ll be in Richmond before dawn. The first thing I’m going to do is head to Couchie’s (rhymes with “ouchies,” not, you know…) and get myself a plate of cabbage rolls and a large rum and Coke, and I’m going to tell about the dream I just had, in which you finally work up the courage to break out on your own (you’re so happy in this dream, dude).

Cancer June 21-July 22
Home and home. Do you know what I mean when I say that, Cancer? It’s a sports term describing back-to-back games between the same teams, played, respectively in their home arenas. I think you should start applying it to your romantic life, mix things up a bit, get outside your comfort zone…

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Dear Creepy Van that’s been parked out front of my building for three days, you’re probably perfectly innocent, but you should really know how incredibly malevolent you appear, with those dark tiny porthole windows and your rusted-out runners. You might as well write “pervert” on the side, to complete the cliché. Sometimes, Leo, appearances aren’t deceiving.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Did you know, Virgo, that if you took all the unused, barely tended “extra” space in New York City—all the wild medians and overgrown null spaces—you’d have a green space three times the size of Central Park? Everything is fucked, dude.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I’ve decided to build a small casino in my back yard, Libra. You see, I’m one-32nd indigenous Sami so, by international law, that entitles me to the profits of at least three slot machines, or one slot machine and a roulette wheel. Won’t you come on down to the Läpsatorium and try your hand?

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Tolls. We all have to pay tolls, Scorpio, whether we realize it or not. But you see, these monies we contribute to the common weal actually help our civilization maintain itself; it is an honorable thing to pay a tax, to build a society—so please stop trying to lower my taxes!

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Airport hotels are dark, despairing places, with none of the buoyant sense of occasion that graces your festive downtown hostelries. There’s no sense of exploration, or even anticipation, in these lobbies, just drear resignation amid a sickly hogo of microwaved burritos and gin. So, yeah, don’t become a pilot, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
People love to talk about themselves. And you know what? You’re probably as guilty of it as the next guy. So, Capricorn, the next time you’re having a chat, observe yourself: are you merely waiting for your interlocutor to finish so you can return to your story? Do you maniacally provide counterexamples of your own that mirror those of the other? These are bad habits. Try listening for a change.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Jan 18, 2012 at 2:46 PM

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Do you remember that old SCTV skit, about The Catcher in the Rye, except it was about a discount brand of rye whiskey selling collectible catcher figurines, embalmed in the booze? They had all the greats: Gary Carter, Carlton Fisk, Darrell Porter… That was a great fucking show, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Oh gloomy youth, in your hoodies and your trench coats, with your mossy facial hair and bird-pecked skin…Why are you so glum? Do you not feel the warmthx of the sun on your face, hear the gentle wind move through the trees? Why, Pisces, do you insist on quoting Jim Morrison? Please stop.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Where the hell is winter, Aries? Just the other day I was sitting in my antique, Prohibition-era Saratoga bath chair, and a mosquito landed right there on my prosthetic knee… in January! Poor little bugger kept trying to draw blood and came away with nothing but sawdust. So, uh, careful where you sting.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Water looks choppy, Taurus. Seriously, I think a storm’s coming. Can you smell it? That’s the smell of frightened fish. Have you ever been stuck beside an anxious fish on a transatlantic flight? It really sucks. Also, it stinks. Open yourself up to the surreal, and you’ll be happier.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Dudes be dudes, Gemini, and bros be bros. By which I mean the modern American male under the age of 30 continues to baffle and appall me. How is he simultaneously so jejeune and so assertive about his entitlement to all the world’s opportunities? I’m pretty sure it’s all the Dr. Pepper he drinks.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It is my sincere hope, Cancer, that the thing we now think of as “college” will have receded into the mists of irrelevancy within the space of the next generation. Call me a bio-evolutionary determinist-elitist, but it doesn’t make sense to tell every single one of our children they should be aiming at a college degree. It’s all such a waste of money…

Leo July 23-Aug 22
You can hear the distant tinny din of bubblegum hip-hop coming from a grimy pair of earbuds somewhere at the head of the car. An obese version of Kurt Vonnegut snores like an old steel fan three seats behind and to your left. A mother stage-whispers anxiously to her daughter about the perils of Canal Street. You, Leo, are taking the train into the city…

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The more we endeavor to measure something, the less we see it in the whole. Hard analysis is an atomizing gesture, a reductionist way of asserting control over that which cannot truly be controlled. Ok, look. I’m sorry I ate the larger slice of pizza, Virgo, but do you have to be such a dick about it?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Do you know yourself, Libra, when things go terribly wrong? Do you go cold and calm, seeing the world through an ice-blue tint, moving clinically to correct things? Or do you erupt in hot plumes of panic, making things worse? It’s important to figure out which, before it’s too late.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Honestly, I think this is going to be a very good year for you, Scorpio. It’s about time you caught a couple breaks, about time things fell into place. I would never suggest that there’s any kind of balance in the universe, any kind of justice… But holy shit, you are due.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Sleet is a horrible, indeterminate thing: not quite pretty snow, not quite soothing rain… just, sleet. Even the word is ugly, like a derelict Yorkshire mining town, filled now with naught but the infirm and dissolute, always cold, always gray. Stay away from the village of Sleet, Sagittarius. Stay away.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
It is an odd and painful thing, Capricorn, how we are now able to observe someone unspooling into performative madness online, as they post, spam and tweet the details of their derangements for all to see. I don’t really like it, honestly. So, yeah, can you stop harassing me?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Jan 4, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
My Great Uncle Torqvist sailed an actual iceberg from the tip of Haugesund all the way to Aberdeen. He almost didn’t make it, though, as the little toaster oven he had for English muffins failed to shut itself off one night, and when he woke up it had melted a tunnel clear down to the waterline. Man, English muffins are delicious, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Have you considered taking the entire month of February off work and setting up a yurt in the Ozarks? ‘Cause seriously, dude, you need some daily purpose other than updating your Friendster profile. It’s pretty obvious, Aquarius, that you’re drifting a bit, that life is passing you by. In a word, it’s time to PANIC.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I found myself in the middle of a particularly invigorating game of craps in Brooklyn Heights, when who should stroll by but the one and only Paul Giamatti. I yelled out to him about how terrible Lady in the Water was, but he ignored me. So then I threw the dice at him. I missed, but rolled an 11 and won $300. That was a good day, Pisces.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Tidbits. Terrible word. You just can’t be a bona fide evil villain and use the word. Check this out: “We are going to kill you and your family one tidbit at a time.” “Really? Hahaha. Sure.” See? So yeah, Aries, clean up your vocabulary before you plan on kidnapping any tourists.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Some people are just so fucking slow. Walking behind them on the street, or in the mall, or up the steps of the state court house, and I WANT TO KILL THEM. But then I decide not to, because that would mean going to jail and I hear it’s real slow in there. You ever done time, Taurus?

Gemini May 21-June 20
When’s the last time you were in a good snowball fight, Gemini? A real bracing red-cheeked war with the boys from the next block? Because I’m telling you, it’s what you need; I think your life has gotten a little staid. What I’m saying is… I think you’re dull.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Tighter sweaters, Cancer, tighter sweaters for everyone: men, women, girls, boys. Tighter sweaters keep us warm and make us feel sexy. Baggy sweaters make the baby Jebus cry. So take your poofy sweaters and get them wet and put them in the drier. And then they will be tight!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Hunger strike! It normally sounds so serious, but did you know it can also be fun? Try it. Start with breakfast: hunger strike! Then lunch: hunger strike! Tea time? Hunger strike! Dinner: hunger strike! Midnight snack: hunger strike! Keep going, Leo, and you’ll be righteous and slim.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Let the sun shine in, Virgo. Tear those old show posters off your windows, roll up the blinds… dude, seriously, you are not a vampire. Just because you want to French kiss with high school werewolves all the time does not automatically make you a creature of the night. It just means you need to see a therapist.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
So there actually was a Norwegian resistance movement during WWII. Yes, the country that gave us the word “quisling,” and pretty much welcomed the Nazis with open arms, did have enough brave souls to mount a pushback against the German aggressors. The point, Libra? You might surprise yourself if you try.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Some days just suck, huh, Scorpio? Everyone wants something from you and your back hurts and you have heartburn and the rent is due and you realize the films of Jim Jarmusch aren’t as good as you remember them to be… Where do you turn? I turn to drugs.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Any plans for Burns Night, Sagittarius? Of course not, nobody cares about Scotland. What about the Feast of St. David? Naw, Wales sucks, too. You know what doesn’t suck? The Canary Islands. Do they have a celebration day? You should host an ironic Canary Islands party at a local bar. That 
would be cool.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Dec 7, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
So what’s up with dark matter, these days, Sagittarius? Have they figured out how to harness its power for better cell phone coverage, yet? Think about it: dark matter comprises something like 75 percent of the mass of the universe, and for all we can tell it just flows through us every day, invisible, omnipresent… Powerful?

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I think it’s about time you went downtown, Capricorn, and occupied yourself. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Actually, no, I don’t mean masturbation, I’m talking about taking over that part of your persona that craves short-term gain over long-term prosperity. Or maybe I do mean masturbation.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Sitting on a steamboat, drifting across a giant manmade lake in the middle of Utah, drinking a glass of red wine. You wonder how you got here, Aquarius, because frankly, you’ve been so drunk for the last three months, there’s no way you’ll remember. So, the moral? Sometimes a good bender yields results.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Old dudes in locker rooms seem to have no problem just strutting around naked, wangling everything for all to see, whereas younger guys seem to be way more nervous about public nudity. I have no idea where I’m going with this, Pisces, so have a good week.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Sleep deprivation can be all shits and giggles and yawping at the sunrise until somebody starts to see spiders on their hands. And I’m not just talking about a couple of tiny arachnids on your index finger, I’m talking about teeming, hairy masses. Get some sleep, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Honestly, Taurus, if at this point in your life you haven’t figured out if you’re a mountain person or an ocean person, you’re neither. So what are you? A pampas person? A savannah type? A high plains dude? We are products of our environment, so you should probably find yours.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I dreamt last night you woke up in the middle of Wyoming, surrounded by pink wolves. You weren’t scared, Gemini, you were talking to them all in the Wolf tongue, and you turned to me and said: “They want me to join them.” And to that, I said, “Go.” And you did.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It sounds counterintuitive, Cancer, but I feel like you should consider a New Year’s road trip. There is no better way to get in touch with one’s inner self than to be fishtailing on black ice ten miles outside of Peoria the day before New Year’s Eve with a trunk full of off-brand vodka.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Is it possible to live life without a soundtrack, Leo? How would we know when to cry, or when to laugh? Or when to make the sexy eyes at a room full of our parents’ friends? The right song is like a little instructional manual: you just have to make sure you’re listening.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Stop saying “holidays,” Virgo. Please. Just say Christmas or Hannukah or Divali or Festivus or whatever. There might not be a War on Christmas, but there certainly is a war on the richness and specificity of language. More speech, not less.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Did you know there are dozens of decommissioned underground nuclear bunkers all across the Great West? And they’re for sale to you and I, to live in? Holy shit, Libra. Do you want to go in with me on an atom-bomb hovel? WE’LL NEVER HAVE TO USE SUNSCREEN.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Give me land, lots of land and the starry skies above, Scorpio, don’t fence me in. Look, your country is crazy, and terrifying, and awe-inspiringly beautiful. I don’t even think you quite get it, having grown up here. Just trust me, you have everything to learn right here in your own backyard.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Mon, Nov 28, 2011 at 2:39 PM

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year, and I’ve been thinking of mixing it up a little: instead of a turkey, a Cornish game hen. Instead of candied yams, peanut M&Ms. Instead of pumpkin pie, Greco-Roman wrestling. Tradition reflects meaning onto our deviance, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 “Can I get a mic check, Capricorn? My Czech! Who’s Czech? Can we get the check, please? Whose streets? My socks! Your socks? This is what the moccasin looks like!” Sometimes, Capricorn, people don’t understand what you’re saying.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 Soil erosion may just be the single biggest threat to the American Empire as we know it, Aquarius. Soil everywhere is fleeing this once-great nation of ours for distant shores, and the perceived opportunities they present. What’s worse, is that foreign soil is blowing its way across our borders! (It’s not what it sounds like.)

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 There comes a time for every great social movement to cross a bridge. Sometimes that movement needs to cross the bridge on the footpath, and sometimes it needs to cross by the roadway. It’s nice, Pisces, when organized labor agrees to get arrested on the roadway, so you don’t have to.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Turns out that what doesn’t kill us doesn’t really make us stronger: Brain development in babies is all about the comforting, yo, and just because a wailing child left alone eventually stops wailing doesn’t mean it’s not messed up. Stress hormones, Aries, they fuck us up.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Ok, look, so I didn’t head down to Occupy Wall Street to offer myself up as a sacrifical arrestee: you see, Taurus, I’m a foreigner, and if I get arrested, that could jeopardize my time in your beautiful country, reading the firmament from my Montauk aerie. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

Gemini May 21-JUne 20
Do you I need to explain to you again the difference between style and fashion? Ok: the former ignores trends, the latter creates them. Got it? Ok, how about morals vs. ethics? Well, umm, yeah, ok… the former… uh… Just don’t shit where you eat, Gemini.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Mao wrote poetry, Hitler painted, Kim Jong-il ghost-directed several of North Korea’s most iconic films. Artists and autocrats share a desire to impose themselves on the world, Cancer—or perhaps everyone does, and they’re just better at it. All I’m saying is, there are worse things than being too self-doubting to ever finish your novel. Like: genocide. That would be worse.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I was lying back on the dentist’s chair, bleeding from my gums as usual, when the special medical-office easy-listening station began to play the Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me.” And sure enough, the hygienist began humming along, scraping the plaque off my teeth to the rhythm of the music. There’s never a bad time for synth-pop, Leo.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Everyone always be trying to get out of jury duty, Virgo, as if two out of every three successful marriages didn’t begin with the couple meeting on a jury, and disagreeing over the verdict so vehemently it could only be love. (Usually in this scenario the defendant turns out to be innocent.)

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Virtue is not something easily quantified: there are no tablespoons of truthfulness, no kilos of kindness, no megajoules of magnanimity. No, Libra, virtue can only be measured through self-reporting, much like the Nielsen ratings.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
A woman shielded her child’s eyes, a grown man fainted, and the manager strode angrily towards me as I stood, shirtless, drenched in sweat, tears, and residual hot sauce from the 100 wings I’d just consumed—in under five minutes! I’ll probably never be allowed back inside T.G.I. Friday’s, but did you see that waitress, Scorpio? She was totally impressed, right?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Oct 26, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Walking is overrated as a form of “exercise,” Scorpio. Two thirds of Americans are obese, and a few morning laps around the mall aren’t going to change that. We need to reinstate the draft (for both sexes, from 18 to 52) and occupy Canada. Not in a violent way, more in a “let’s all go hiking” way. Everybody wins.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Don’t you hate it when you’re listening to your giant music collection on shuffle and the same artist comes on every third song? Especially when you’ve been meaning to purge them from all your playlists, but haven’t had the time… Man, I really fucking hate Leonard Cohen, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Seaside versus mountains: this is one of the great arguments among rich people, Capricorn. “Where should we get our third home?,” they ask, querulously. To which I say, “Fuck rich people.”

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
We go through life, day to harrowing, stressful day, putting up with small, inconvenient irritations that we could, if we actually tried, fix. Seriously, Aquarius, think about it: so often we’d just rather complain about something than actually fix it. Well, I’m saying it’s time to start fixing shit.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Do you get nervous flying in teeny, tiny planes, Pisces? Because you know you shouldn’t, right? That you have more chance of getting hurt reaching for the frozen lemonade at the IGA? You could die at any moment, so try to have a good time.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
So, Aries, what percent are you? Insofar as you’re reading this horoscope, it is likely that you’re some kind of coastal elite fancy-pants, so even though you might actually care about poor people in America, you’re probably not actually one of them. But it’s nice that you’re capable of sympathy.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Have you had a chance to get out of the city, yet, Taurus, to see the leaves? Those bright colors sure are beautiful, aren’t they? Vermillion! Auburn! Aurellian! And you know what they signify? Death! Yay!

Gemini May 21-June 20
Small-town life seems quaint and bucolic for about 15 weeks, Gemini. After that point, once you’ve met and shared small talk with everyone in the surrounding area, it gets pretty excruciatingly dull. I mean, how often can you talk about the weather? Or minorities you met once?

Cancer June 21-JULY 22
The best thing about the coming winter is its promise of quiet. All those chattering, gnattering, chittering insects will finally shut up; along with those caterwauling urchins on the corner stoop who stay up way past their bedtime whooping like pookahs. And you, Cancer, you should shut up, too.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Hey, Leo, when’s the last time you put on your bathrobe, nuked up some truffle oil popcorn and sat down with a stack of Busby Berkeley? You owe it to yourself—as holiday madness looms—to carve out some “me time” (by which I mean “you time”). Or you could just go play paintball.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Just like that, Virgo, you look up one day and it’s all different. Your saddle’s cracking, your lariat’s dried out, your hat’s lost it’s shape, and your spurs are dull, dull, dull. But don’t worry, you’ll always have the power of extended metaphor.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Do you know the difference between the trumpet and the flugelhorn? I don’t. But does it really matter, Libra, which one is which when the melody is clear and bright and comes in just so after the second verse and it always brings a smile to your face? Naw, happiness doesn’t really need a name.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Libra Sep 23-Oct 22
So, Libra, big things afoot in downtown New York, dontcha know… How about them kids making a fuss with their signs and their chants and their drums? Frankly, I think a good protest would do you some good. You get some much-needed fresh air, release some frustration by yelling, and maybe, just maybe, you’d make some friends. You need some new friends, dude.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Daytime. An empty room. Some wine spilled on the floor. Tile curling up under the sink. The fridge door is swung open and it is obscene. Upstairs there is shouting. Outside, sirens. Why can’t you move, Scorpio? Why can’t you just bring yourself to some small moment of action? This shit is depressing.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Contrary to what some popular GIFs might tell you, you can’t fix things by adding more cowbell. Forgot your anniversary and threw up on the kitchen table? Cowbell won’t fix that. Embezzled millions from various orphanages? Cowbell won’t fix that. Party a drag? (Ok, cowbell will fix that.) The point, Sagittarius, is that different problems have different solutions.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 9
Ask anybody, Capricorn, and they’ll tell you: I LOVE ME SOME PIZZA. That’s the thing about me, I wear my joy on my sleeve, and my joy includes pizza, ice cream cake and the work of Marisa Tomei. Trouble is, I have no idea what you actually like, because you won’t tell me. Tell me!

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
This may sound crazy, Aquarius, and highly improbable, but that run of good luck you’ve been having lately? It’s going to keep going. I know, I know, why call down the curse of the gods with our paltry mortal hubris, but think about it: you’ve had some pretty bad luck for the last few years, haven’t you? It’s payback time.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Bruce Willis was pretty cool there, for awhile. I’m thinking right around Die Hard II: Die Harder, when he still had a bit of hair and hadn’t resorted to shaving his head and wearing weirdo cornet-player berets. Are you in a cool-window right now, Pisces? If so, make sure you take full advantage.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Life, sad and sadder still. You get to a point, Aries, when your friends start to die. Early on it happens suddenly, without warning. But as the years pass death gives us warnings, and the bad news lingers: an ugly midnight hum from the kitchen, keeping you up at night. Enjoy it while you have it.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Hey, I’m tired of all the Zooey Deschanel bashing that passes for small talk around here. Look, Taurus, she might not be your cup of tea, but damn it she’s got talent: she can carry a tune, she has good comic timing, and she’s not an idiot. Why you gotta be so negative all the time.

Gemini May 21-June 20
We often don’t really get what we deserve, Gemini, whether it be punishment or approbation. Should this impact our behavior, from day to day? Absolutely not. If you get caught worrying about the carrot and the stick, you’re never going to be able to see what’s right in front of you (Cake? It could be cake in front of you).

Cancer June 21-July 22
The first day of the season and hope abounds. You never know, Cancer, this could be the year. Sure, it doesn’t seem likely, but that’s the beauty of it, the game isn’t played on paper and anything can happen. This is why we like sports: because for all the stage-managed pomp and excess, it’s still just people locked in agon. Go, Leafs, go!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Dancing will solve whatever problem you think you have, Leo. Seriously, none of your worldly concerns amount to much in the face of an appropriately strident tango. Your sulky face is meaningless when there are foxes to trot. Go on, churn some butter, do the rhumba, whatever. Just dance, you fool.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
“Those who can’t do, teach.” Remember when people used to use that as a way of dismissing someone, or denigrating them? Well guess what, Virgo? Not very many people can simply “do.” Most of the successful arts professionals in this very city have teaching gigs on the side, to pay for their “art” habit. So, yeah. Quit poking fun at teachers.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Sep 28, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22 Yup. Pretty sure that was my mom, just then, calling the president a "muslin traitor" in this YouTube compendium of Tea Party gaffes forwarded to me by a politically simpatico friend. Our shrill intractability and capacity for love are playing a dangerous game of chicken, Libra. Better move to Iceland before one of you ruins Thanksgiving.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 Do you ever get bored while on Twitter and reflexively open up a new browser tab so you can check Twitter? Um, me neither, Scorpio, but still, the flags warning of a chemical dependency upon web-based short-term mental stimulus are being thrown up at an alarming rate. Play more cribbage.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 There's nobody knows hard work like a lady's maid. Sure, they don't really still exist (they're called "personal assistants" now) but I've been watching nothing but historical BBC dramas over the last fortnight, and I'm starting to heavily identify with the men and women "downstairs."

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 Just the other day my beloved and I Decided that we hated the world so much—and all those parts of it we see every day—that rather than try to describe to each other the varieties of our discontent, we would merely ring a small bell but once, signaling to ourselves (and the universe at large) our displeasure. AND IT'S WORKING, CAPRICORN.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 I was on the F train and a saxophone player came into the car and started playing "Spanish Harlem." And I had to put my book down and I started sobbing right there, because I couldn't deal with that shit. I still gave him a dollar. Ben E. King is underrated, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 Man, sentient appliances are the worst, eh, Pisces? I thought it'd be all self-toasting bread and self-percolating coffee, like oh hey thank you for my breakfast, my happy glistening dancing machine-friends, but it turns out they become self-aware, and plot to destroy you, just like in that movie.

Aries Mar 21-Apr19 Have you ever thought about opening a pop-up shop? Taking out a short-term lease on a storefront, inviting a few trendsetting bloggers, and offering your political opinions and treasured memories at well below retail prices against a bare white backdrop, the better to build up a buzz around your overall outlook? It could be a great way to "launch" yourself, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20 It's odd to see people on the street who look just like someone you haven't thought of for years, but who you once knew very well. As we age, Taurus, we realize that whole chapters of our lives, which once held so much life, so much possibility, are now mere footnotes in the greater story of us. And fuck, it can be sad, can't it?

Gemini May 21-June 20 You need more banjolele in your life, Gemini. A pleasant, plunking soundtrack to lift your spirits when the agents of unhappiness get too close to home. The thing about banjolele is that it's less ostentatious than the jarring twang of the banjo but it has more gravitas than the tinkly ukulele. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Cancer June 21-July 22 The human capacity to make—and subsequently abet—obviously bad Decisions, Cancer, is a reMarkably evolved trait, the utility of which I still cannot determine. Are we still winnowing out the bad genes? I suppose we should be, if you just take a look around on any given day... Man, are we a failed species?

Leo July 23-Aug 22 Freedom is another word for nothing left to eat, Leo. Empty your fridge, empty your pantry, for if you free yourself from your earthly desires, the world in all its manifold possibilities will reveal itself to you like... like... like the manifold of a car whose hood you've just opened. Manifold. Man-i-fold. Man. I. Fold. Hmm?!?

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 I know you've heard the same things over and over again: eat more apples, comb your hair left to right, don't lick the electric fence, remove the plastic wrap before microwaving... Maybe it's time you just started ignoring every piece of advice you hear, Virgo.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Aug 31, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Someday you'll look back on this period in your life, Virgo, and not remember what happened. Why? Because you're partying so hard. But keep it up, I say; ignore the Puritans in their stupid hats and ostentatiously dour outfits'tell 'em to suck it! Touching bottom can be good for the soul.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I just bought one of those awesome little robot vacuums that looks like a hubcap and storms around your house sucking up all the awful dust. I call him Wendel and sometimes we'll watch Hollywood Squares together and he'll make hilarious jokes about Bruce Vilanch. Oh how we laugh, Libra.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
The simple pleasures of toast cannot be exhorted enough. Toast! It is warm and crunchy! Toast! It supports our spreads, both sweet and savory! Toast! It partners with itself to create "sandwiches"! Toast! You can hurl it at attacking dogs to distract them! Toast! You can see your future in its burn pattern! (Seriously, Scorpio, take a look...)

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I get really depressed when things are too quiet. I need to have some music playing at all times or else I won't really know what to feel. Am I happy? Sad? Excited? It sort of depends on the next song to come on the radio. The soundtrack is way more important than you think, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
"It's too important to talk about right now" is actually a great way to get out of ever having to talk about anything. "I respect you too much to rush this" also works very well. At least 75 percent of the conversations we have are pretty much useless, Capricorn, so it's good to know how to get out of them.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Tall people, statistically, are more likely to succeed in just about every facet of life, based on just about every metric you can think of. This is why short people are always picking fights in bars'because they realize that in order to get by, they'll have to wound as many tall people as possible. Watch out, Aquarius, for the short.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Cake! Holy crap I could use a piece of cake! With strong black coffee! Is that really too much to ask, Pisces, in this City of Cake we live in? That's right, little known fact: if you scratch the surface of half the buildings in New York, you'll discover they are made of vanilla angel food cake. I'M NOT CRAZY, YOU ARE CRAZY.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Storm's a-coming. Whoo boy. Tie down your deck chairs, lash up your trellises, cinch your antennae cuz a hard rain's gonna fall. Or, to speak less figuratively, I suspect, Aries, you might be in for kind of a crappy week.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
So they have these things called "Thunder Coats," Taurus, for high-anxiety animals in need of rehabilitation. Mainly, I think, they're used for skittish dogs, and basically entail a super-firm, fully snug outer layer that soothes the beast. Man, they really work! I'm wearing one right now! And that's all I'm wearing!

Gemini May 21-June 20
It was so humid the other day, when I threw my rain cape in the air, it took over a minute to come back down. And when it did, it tasted like pea soup. That's thick, Gemini! And you know what else is thick? You, if you think you'll be happy staying in your current situation. Dude, time to break free.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It has become popular, lately, to blame others for our own problems. We see this in the political arena, in the world of celebrities, and even in the "straight-talking" clubhouses of professional sports. Generally, Cancer, I'd say this is bullshit, but in your case, right now, it isn't your fault. You know who to blame...

Leo July 23-Aug 22
People are so fundamentally broken it's staggering. We forget this, all the time. Even the "happiest" among us are filled with doubt, uncertainty, fear'to be aware of the inevitability of one's end is to be a death-row inmate in a perpetual state of dread. Also, Leo, make sure not to wear too much white after Labor Day!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Leo July 23-Aug 22
What is with you people and your obsession with flying squirrels? Look, I know they're cool, but can you please stop naming your start-ups or your bike stores or your coffee-roasting outposts "Flying Squirrel"? Enough, Leo. Leave poor pteromyini alone.

Virgo Aug 23-sep 22
Sadly, money really is the number one reason why marriages don't last. Isn't that a drag? And yes, I realize it's easy enough to say "money can't buy you happiness" but worrying about it all the time certainly doesn't help anyone feel better. So what's the solution, Virgo? Be rich, really.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
"If six turned out to be nine." Man, that has got to be one of the dumbest lines ever written into a rock and roll song, and that's saying a lot. It's a good thing Jimi Hendrix was a good guitar player. Maybe the point here, Libra, is that everyone says dumb things. Or maybe the point is that if you're cool and sexy you'll die at 27. Not sure.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I don't believe in ghosts, Scorpio. But I know some people who do. They're sort of goofy in their need to imbue places with supernatural flavor, as if the majesty and thrill of mere terrestrial existence isn't enough. This, I think, shows a lack of imagination, and an inability to see the world as it is: a wondrous place. Boo!

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
If you have to drive somewhere to get good bread, you're doing it wrong. Did you know that in rural France, the small-town bakeries will deliver to you every second day? It's pretty fabulous to hear the squeaky beep of one of those little Eurotrucks and head down for fresh pastries. You should move to France, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Why are you ignoring me? I tell you to do one thing and you do the other. How's that working out for you? Are you happy? Truly? I don't think you are. Now, I'm not cheap enough to try something so juvenile as reverse psychology on you, but here's some advice, Capricorn: grow your hair out

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
When I was a little kid, I used to ride on the back of my giant St. Bernard/Mastiff/Malamute mix. His name was Odin and he could fight a bear and scare away lost cross-country skiers in under a minute. I miss that dog. Sometimes, Aquarius, I'll dream that I'm riding him to work, or into town on a beer run. Those are 
sweet dreams.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Never apologize, Pisces; it's a sign of weakness. Pretend it didn't happen. Change the subject. Make it seem like you wanted to do it, that it's all a part of your awesome plan. Buy another round and get on with your life. Ignore the tears. Go to the bathroom when the check comes. Basically, be a jerk.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There once was a time when "digging around through your past" was a serious undertaking, when you had to catch trains and make phone calls and search through microfiches. Now, Aries, you can just sit around in your underpants following the Google trail as you randomly search for old friends. It's pretty boring.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Remember when those tacky Oakley sunglasses were really popular? Those were dark days. People were really into pretending that they did things like "mountain bike" and "hike"—people were liars. I look forward, Taurus, to the day when the global climate collapses and we can stop worrying about being outdoorsy.

Gemini May 21-June 20
They're working on the apartment building next door, refinishing the exterior, and there's all kinds of ashy particulate on the tree outside my window, and it's almost like snow. Except it isn't really, Gemini, it's more like the tree has turned gray overnight, like it's gotten very old. Don't get old.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I was told, Cancer, that in Clapham, a London neighborhood, there was some rioting on the high street, and that the looters systematically moved store by store, taking DVD players, computers, cell phones, sneakers...But when they got to the used bookstore, they skipped it. RESPECKT THE BOOK! Kindles, of course, were stolen.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Aug 3, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Leo July 23-Aug 22
When we drink, we talk. You don't talk enough, Leo, ipso facto, you need to drink a bit more. August is a good time to take up new habits, so I would suggest you look into the cultivation of a regular Pimm's Cup just after lunch, followed by a Tom Collins just before dinner. This habit will make you more interesting.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
We carry so much secret bitterness within us, Virgo, that when it spills out it can be terrifying, especially to us. Why is it that we are all so angry? Why are we so disappointed by everything? Some say the universe was broken the moment it began. This might be the case.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I tried to warn you, Libra, but you wouldn't listen. You just had to get as close to the edge as possible just so you could "see to the other side." I suppose it's admirable the way you tied yourself to a tree with bungee cord (there is something to be said for foresight), but still, you're such 
an idiot.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's easier than you think, Scorpio, to withdraw from the world. The initial steps might seem difficult—turning off your cell phone, unplugging the television, kidnapping the paperboy—but once the flow of random information is staunched, the brain rapidly relearns the ability to process actual thoughts, to see once again the poetry of existence. It's nice.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
All those old songs we sang together, and the promises we made… Sentimental fools, Sagittarius, blowing smoke and talking smack, raising hell and sleeping rough. Did you actually enjoy any of that? Because honestly, I like being old and comfortable: give me clean socks and a nice chair any day.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Isn't it odd, Capricorn, how some towns—entire towns—can be grumpier than others, as if there really is something in the water? Or maybe it's the result of some historical sin, some distant shame that's been passed down through time, a perpetually diffuse moral stink, like a fart in a movie theater. I'm looking at you, Germantown.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
There's a town in Spain, Aquarius, where it's said at the center of the Plaza del Libertidad sits a fountain from which pours forth a spicy, dry rioja, available to anyone with a jereboam (or smaller). Personally, I would like to move to this town and become an alcoholic. You with me?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I used to think, Pisces, that there wasn't much sadder than a three-legged dog hobbling along in the park, trying to keep up with the other dogs. Now I realize that three-legged dogs are just about the best thing the world has to offer as far as resiliency and the capacity for simple happiness. Maybe it's because I started taking all those drugs.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
White noise. Sometimes it all seems like nothing but white noise, random wave transmissions billowing forth from innumerable soundholes, muddying your thoughts, numbing your will to action. You need a noise sword, Aries, to cut down to the bone and hear yourself.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Renovation is a dirty, ugly business. Uncovering the mistakes and bad decisions of the generation that has gone before serves mainly to show us how futile it is to think we can build something that will last. It's best to just give up now, Taurus, and start collecting abandoned Tumblrs.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Stormy summer we're having, eh Gemini? One second it'll be all sunny and pleasant, the sound of butterflies laughing in the distance, ice cream scoops for everyone, and then the next, a big, bleak wind storm will come along and destroy everything. And the butterflies will never laugh again.

Cancer June 21-July 22
One of the best ways to 
avoid electrocution when you're rewiring an old house is to keep your hands extra dirty. I've found a very good way to do this is to eat a bunch of sticky bbq backribs and then read through a stack of old newspapers—no current is strong enough to get through that, Cancer.

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