Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Horoscope

Posted on Wed, Jul 6, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Cancer June 21-July 22
Outdoor concerts are generally a pain in the ass: it's too hot, the sound is bad, there are too many pickpockets, the beer is overpriced, you end up peeing your pants, your arch-nemesis is just over there... now he's getting closer... watch out! He has a gun! Then all hell breaks loose. Stay indoors, Cancer.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Postcards are all romantic and everything, but why not just send an email, Leo? Half the time I try to use the actual mail I end up being home by the time my postcards reach my friends and it's embarrassing because I've already confessed to them how shitty my vacation was even though my card says "Having a great time!" Which makes me a liar.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Do you have any idea how much a cushion costs, Virgo? I bet it's way more than you ever imagined. Seriously, a stupid boring cushion that you sit on and hardly even look at costs, like, $200. I hate being an adult, there's so much ridiculous stuff you have to worry about. Like STDs! What the hell? Life sucks. Also, I don't have crabs.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
You know what I hate, Libra? When people correct the gender of foreign words, like when you try to describe a brilliant female musician as a "maestro" and they're all like, "actually, that would be maestra" (or domina or whatever). Screw you, you pretentious jerk, do I look Italian? Yeah? Really? Cool.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Are you familiar with Italo Calvino's Baron in the Trees? It's about a dude who decides to live out his life in the trees, without ever touching the ground. I think you should try something like that, Scorpio: namely, set yourself some kind of limit, and try sticking to it, no matter what. You'll be happier.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
The Cure, The Cult, The Clash... I had a really hard time distinguishing between these three bands when I was eleven years old. But as soon as I hit puberty, it all came clear: The Cult was for fucking, The Clash was for talking, and The Cure was for crying. Sex, Sagittarius, it's all about sex.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Oh for the life of a wandering dog, just heading out on that high lonesome road in search of butts to sniff and roadkill to gnaw and puddles to gulp. Sure, you might not always have a warm bed to burrow into, but that's the price of freedom, Capricorn. Do you miss your freedom? You don't seem free to me.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Have you ever been to one of those foofy "eat some food while all the lights are out" events? They're pretty strange, honestly. One time I ended up eating an entire napkin made from recycled organic bamboo fiber. I felt great for the rest of the week. Sometimes you just gotta get lucky, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Man, beach season really snuck up on me this year. There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden my shirt was off and I was covered in sand. I had a cold can of beer balanced on my gut and I could already feel my toes starting to burn. But you know what, Pisces? I liked it, I liked the surprise. Don't fight the unexpected.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I was thinking of hiring my own private PR representation, Aries, someone who could manage all of my interpersonal relations to make sure I don't come off like a jerk. I've always had a hard time with how others perceive me. They all think I'm an asshole.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
If you pull your pants up any higher, we're going to need a doctor. I honestly don't know what you're trying to prove, Taurus, but it looks really painful. I get that there's a current style popular with the kids that's basically one step removed from the mom on Growing Pains, but I don't see why you have to be a part of it. Be yourself, dude.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I hate it when people say shit like, "Just be yourself and everything will be ok." Seems to me the single deepest existential splinter is the problem of the self: who we are; who we will be; why we are. Being alive is a constant struggle to discover and rediscover the self. To take a breath, Gemini, is to ask, "Who am I?" (YOU BE YOURSELF, JERKFACE.)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, May 25, 2011 at 4:00 AM

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
Buck and Wayne. Good names for a cat and a dog who travel around the country solving crimes and helping orphans win bake sales. Buck is the dog and Wayne is the cat. Buck is a Green Bay Packers fan and Wayne is into serial modernism. Oh, and he's also a Gemini. So yeah, things are looking good for you.

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22
You need solitude, Cancer. Way more than you've been getting: there's a limit to just hanging out with your peeps, killing time, telling the same jokes, doing the same drugs. You need to clean up and get out of town. Ride a horse. Chop down a tree. Skip a rock. You're having trouble seeing yourself right now.

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
Dang. It got hot, didn't it? That's right, Leo, another summer is here. Another scorching, humid, sweaty, stinky New York City summer. Maybe this is the year you finally spring for that air conditioner, eh? Because do you remember that time you got so sweaty part of your couch melted? Ew.

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 22
Bigger sunglasses, Virgo, that's all it's going to take. You worry too much about your look, about reinventing yourself every week or two. Just chill, and get some oversized sunglasses. Or you could stop caring altogether. Yeah, that's probably it, just stop caring. Can you do that?

LIBRA SEPT 23-OCT 22
Don't shoot the messenger, Libra. ok? Because I have some bad news: there's something in the back of your fridge and it's starting to smell a bit. Don't panic. It might be the brie, or that lentil stew you made last week, or possibly those protein shakes your roommate has been whipping up. Just burn it all.

SCORPIO OCT 23-NOV 21
Sometimes we get so deep we can't even see where we are—or where we once were, for that matter. We look and we look but we are blind to the past. What is it about us, Scorpio, that we make our lives so very, very hard? What crept into paradise and turned us into us? It sure 
as hell wasn't snakes.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22-DEC 21
I've always wanted to play out a big death scene on stage. You know, really ham it up and choke and rattle and moan, like Shatner on a benzedrine tear. Or better yet, I'd do it as part of some kind of insurance scam, or to fool evil terrorists into releasing their hostages... Have you ever wanted to act, Sagittarius? You 
should try it.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19
Do you know what a rearguard action is, Capricorn? I'm not totally sure that I do, but I think it has something to with fighting zombies off the back of a pick-up truck. You know you shouldn't use words and phrases if you don't really know what they mean. Even though I do it.

AQUARIUS JAN 20-FEB 18
You know what I hate about summer, Aquarius? There's no cross-country skiing. Also, all the bugs wake up and start stinging and biting and crawling all over you. I suppose it's always easier to hate than it is to love, and that the closer you look, the finer the line between the two really is.

PISCES FEB 19-MAR 20
Have you ever been out shopping for doll suits and just decided to arbitrarily follow someone? It's actually a really fun way to kill a Saturday afternoon. Remember, you're not trying to scare them, you're just trying to keep them in sight. This is a very good way to distract yourself from your real problems. You have 
those, right, Pisces?

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
Why create original stuff when you can just use a photocopier and then sell it like you made it? Now that's how you get rich, my friend. You see, Aries, the world doesn't really want new things, it just wants to see old things again, in a different light. That's why you should buy a flashlight.

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
Loud Hawaiian shirts are actually pretty important in a man's life. Not so much in a woman's. The trick is not having too much yellow. Too much yellow will make you look sick. Lavender, that's the secret weapon. Man, that lavender, like a Sudbury sunset on a summer night. Is this your first time at this laundromat, Taurus?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, May 11, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Dr. Johnny Fever has always been one of my life's guiding saints. His dasein living-in-the-present radio candor should be a lesson to all thinking human beings: when in doubt, say what you mean and mean what you say. We should all be so lucky, Taurus, to have the spiritual clarity of a sitcom character.

Gemini May 21-June 20
You can't force a tagline, Gemini; you can't sit down one day and just start saying, "That's the way the cookie melts," or "Sometimes the bear gets you." The best things in this life happen naturally, have their own escape velocity from our mundane inertia. Sometimes you gotta let the dough rise on its own!

Cancer June 21-July 22
Be a pest. Be a jerk. Be a squeaky wheel, Cancer, because between you and me, you need the grease. You've tried to be reasonable, tried to be diplomatic, and it's just not working. Now's the time to bring out your angry reserves; to yell and scream and carry on until you get what you want. Stop being a doormat.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
When's the last time you sat down with a bottle of schnapps and listened to the "Ode to Joy" in its entirety? NEVER? Dude, seriously, you owe it to yourself to make a little time and get happy drunk. But before you do, Leo, please make sure to disable all your communication devices. Marriage proposals to exes are not cool.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Life is a lot like the acting career of Robert Downey, Jr. It can be sublime, cruel, unhinged, rewarding and devastatingly, soul-crushingly shabby. But through it all, the best in us gets up every morning, pulls back a Tequila Sunrise, and heads to the gym. Maybe you should stay away from Hollywood, Virgo.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
A young Gallagher (or Maybe Carrot Top?) once said, "Prop comedy is not possible after the Holocaust." And yet they persisted, taking mallet to watermelon night after night, thrilling us with their transubstantiation of crushed fruit into human joy, remaking the human experience in their own image. Also, Libra, Carrot Top is ripped, right?

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I saw a couple of hipsters at a Bedford Avenue kabuki joint working out the geisha's tip on an abacus. I'm serious. The abacus is the latest avant-elite bohemian signifier to make an appearance in fancy-pants Brooklyn, with mini-sized protocalculators lashed to the belts of the skinny asymmetricals everywhere. Pretty cool, if you ask me, Scorpio.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
What's next, Sagittarius? Are they going to ban waterskiing? I'm sick and tired of the government trying to ban my recreational activities, claiming "that's just not what America's about." Really? Well I'm an (naturalized) American, and I beg to differ. (Oh. That's not what waterboarding is? Ok.)

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
A deep rumbling belly hunger can be good for the soul, CApricorn. All too easily do we drift into quotidian complacency, blithely entitled, forgetting all the work and effort that brings us our water, our food, our power. It's good now and again to have to carry your own water, and grow your own food. Get your hands dirty, again.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Knowing your enemy is important, Aquarius. Vilifying and "monsterizing" him to the point of inhumanity serves little but the basest desires in the worst of us. Because you see, he is us and we are him. Oh, we are capable of miracles on Earth, but we are also capable of unleashing Hell on one another. So don't delude yourself.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Sleep. Glorious sleep. We remake ourselves every night as we sleep. Our cells divide, our brains reboot, our toenails grow. Sleep is a gift, a retreat. Our dreams tell us who we are, who we want to be, and what we might do. So if you could turn down that fucking radio, Pisces, I might be able to get a little shut eye.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I once saw a freshly hewn leg of lamb covered in deer ticks: they were all swollen to the size of cat's eye Marbles. It was both horrifying and beautiful, an expression of life in the universe, contingent and determined—and yes, I threw up in my hands. That which disgusts us, Aries, can sometimes transform us.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Apr 27, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Sometimes people leave for a while. And when they come back, they think they can just carry on doing whatever it was they were doing before. In your case, Taurus, this would mean picking up that game of Fish you've been playing with Old Tom LeDroux for years. 
God, life is boring isn't it?

Gemini May 21-June 20
Grief is a selfish thing. But that's ok. Death is impossible to comprehend without recourse to self-delusional romanticism. We must wail and keen and beg and bargain. And in the end it's not even about the departed—it's all about the space in our lives they leave. Can't ever fill that space, Gemini.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I AM THE GREATEST ASTROLOGER OF ALL TIMES, CANCER!!! Well, maybe not. But you know, it doesn't hurt to be cocky now and then. Even if you don't necessarily believe your own shtick, it might actually start to form around you like a powerful force field of moxie. MOXIE!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I've been thinking a lot about streetcars, lately, Leo. You see, I grew up in a town that had one streetcar, which ran 24 hours a day, except on Sundays. We called this streetcar "Torvald" and it was operated by an old man named Wystan. I lost my virginity on "Torvald," and also a pair of glasses.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The best kind of leadership is by example, Virgo, so I'll start by promising to stop: hiding money in the freezer; leaving the dog on the roof at night; wearing two pairs of pants at the same time; using that dumb "Cockney" accent every time I get a little nervous. So, now it's your turn to shape up.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
It's hard to think of anything much better than a big, gooey, crispy slice of wood-oven pizza. Sure, Libra, sex is pretty good, but sometimes it can be more trouble than it's worth. Pizza, however, is always good (even if it isn't very good at all). Look, being alive is hard, so make sure you enjoy yourself a little.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
What's a little knife fighting among friends? Sure, on the surface it might appear to be about a romantic entanglement, but studies show that nearly 80 percent of knife fights are really just about money. And that's sad, Scorpio. What happened to good old-fashioned crimes of passion? Nowadays it's all about the insurance money.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Paul Bowles once said that "the soul is the weariest part of the body." I don't really have much to add to that, Sagittarius, except to ask you if you'd be able to park my car while I'm on vacation in Windsor. I really can't afford any more parking tickets. And if you want, you can drive to the beach!

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Sometimes, if I'm having trouble figuring out what to do next, I'll make a graph of the last week's activities in order to isolate any particular behavioral patterns. Then I'll print out the graph and put it on the wall. By the time I've done all that, Capricorn, I'll have forgotten what I was talking about in the first place.

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Summer! Or at least late spring! Such a happy time: the bees are trying on their bathing suits and the flowers are flirting with just about everyone; ice cream seems like a good idea and for the first time in forever we're actually looking for shade. Are you ready for another one of these, Aquarius?

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
You know that expression, "the sleep of angels"? If I were an angel (with, presumably, angelic powers) I really wouldn't want to waste my time sleeping. Frankly, I'd rather fly around and check out all the cool shit. You know, Wembley Stadium, Dollywood, Grauman's... Real angels don't sleep, Pisces.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There was a child in my village growing up—let's call him little Udo—who spontaneously grew a pair of wings on his third birthday. Of course, he couldn't control his flight because he was only three years old. He scared the shit out of the yaks, Aries, and totally wrecked May Day.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Apr 13, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Aries Mar 21- Apr 19
Go outside. Play with yourself. That's right, I said it, masturbate. Outside. You're way too repressed these days, and a little Onan al fresco is good for the soul. I realize these are particularly specific instructions for a horoscope, but this is what you have to do, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20- May 20
When you were a kid, you wanted to be a "protest singer," even though you didn't know what a protest singer was. So you went through your life with this vague purpose, aiming for something you weren't quite sure of. Well, Taurus, did you get there? I suspect not. But having a goal was good, wasn't it?

Gemini May 21- June 20
Every day you walked, and then waited. It was hot, but you had to see for yourself. You felt the sweat trickle down your neck, under your collar, as the sun went down. And then the lights came on and your breath quickened, the curtains were open...Are you a peeping Tom, Gemini?

Cancer June 21- July 22
Never is a long time, Cancer. Are you sure about this? I know you have your mind made up, and I confess I admire your decisiveness on this—but what if you're wrong? I made a terrible and hasty decision many years ago (to have my left leg shortened) and I still can't use a pedal boat. Think about it.

Leo July 23- Aug 22
I heard Steve Malkmus was doing guitar tech work in a strip mall just outside of Normal, Indiana. Evan Dando is making organic homegrown salsa in a trailer behind his house in Ivanhoe, California. Kim Deal is sitting just over there, watching me type. Do you have my pills, Leo?

Virgo Aug 23- Sep 22
You're only as old as you feel, Virgo! Bullshit! You're actually getting older and closer to death! Hooray! Whatever wisdom you feel you've accumulated is actually just exhaustion! Forget it! The human soul is like a plastic bag that eventually just bursts! Into plastic shreds! Sorry!

Libra Sept 23- Oct 22
The stars don't twinkle when you're in space, Libra. Fuck, that's depressing, isn't it? You know what else is depressing? Have you ever seen a monarch butterfly first thing in the morning, after a night at the Applebee's bar? Horrifying. Everything is beautiful and everything is ugly.

Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21
What kind of tree would you be, Scorpio, if a vengeful god was about to change you forever? I'd be a cedar, because they keep your clothes hole-free. I figure you for a willow tree these days...You seem a little droopy—and, I may add, a little histrionic. Get over yourself you drama-queen willow tree.

Sagittarius Nov 22- Dec 21
What are your four cardinal virtues, Sagittarius? Mine are anger, humor, resolve and beer. I think it's important that you try to articulate to yourself those aspects of existence that really, ideally, inform who you are as a person. Really think about it (don't just say shit like Truth, Beauty, Love...THINK!).

Capricorn Dec 22- Jan 19
So, that whole time, when you were freaking out but everyone told you not to? THERE WAS ACTUALLY A MONSTER IN YOUR CLOSET. People will lie to you, Capricorn, indiscriminately, if they think it'll make you feel better. And really, what's wrong with that? Nothing.

Aquarius Jan 20- Feb 18
Three jumpsuits, a water catchment system, two giant pots (one with beans, one with rice), and an orange tree—this is all we really need to survive. It might not be a "fun" way to live, but we need to prioritize what we want from the universe, Aquarius, and it's more than mere diversion.

Pisces Feb 19- Mar 20
Why do you always have that little scowl on your face, Pisces? Is it to insure that no one talks to you? It's working, isn't it? Granted, this will keep you sane on long train journeys, but are you perhaps losing out on the chance to make lasting and meaningful friendships when you least expect it? Probably not.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Mar 30, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
You can't really do stupid things nowadays, Aries, and expect to get away with them. Everything is on film, all the time. For instance, I started out writing this horoscope in nothing but a giant, custom-made baby bib, but then realized internet images of that might discredit my reputation. So I put on my Bieber pants. Be smart out there.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
What's your beef, Taurus? Do you hate it when people ask you what your beef is? Is that, in fact, your beef? Or is it when people ask, "Where's the beef?," like that little old lady from the olden days? My beef, as a vegetarian, is beef. Man, what a weird word to keep 
saying:"beef." Beefbeefbeefbeefbeef.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Are you familiar with the expression "correlation doesn't equal causation"? It's important. For example, you dropped a bowl of milk duds on the floor last night during The Antiques Roadshow and it started to hail. Coincidence? Yes. You are not the center of the universe, Gemini. In fact, you're incredibly insignificant. Sorry.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Being able to ride a horse and shoot a gun will be valuable commodities when the Apocalypse comes. Also, field-dressing a deer, building a wigwam, starting a fire, and turning a yew sapling into a bow. Can you do any of these things, Cancer? What will you do when the Fresh Direct trucks stop coming?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I found it odd that you felt the need to go into 40 days of mourning upon the untimely death of Knut the German Polar Bear. You didn't know Knut, Leo—c'mon, you've never even been to Berlin. What is missing from your life that you feel the need to express emotion at such a great and vicarious distance? Meaning. Oh, yeah. Meaning.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Some days I like to play quoits, some days I like to play whist. That's just how I roll, Virgo, with a pretentious fixation on antique pastimes. We can't help the things we love, dude, we really can't. The worst thing is trying to suppress what makes you really happy, so you should stop doing that before you kill your neighbor.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I once knew a lutist named Christopher. If you ever called him Chris he'd freak out and hum Pachabel's fucking Canon until your ears bled. If you knew him, you'd only ever make that mistake once. My point, here, Libra, is that if something's bothering you, you have the power to make it stop. So just do it.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It would seem the Mayans were on to something, Scorpio. As it turns out, the summer of 2012 looks like it will feature the most intense solar storm activity in centuries. The Sun's electromagnetic freakout is going to mess our shit up: we're talking solar flares taller than 40 Earths stacked one atop the other. Chaos, dude.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
My great grandfather Jurgo always said it snows at least once after St. Patrick's Day. And damn him for being right. This crazy old town will crush your spirit with its crazy weather: halter tops and tube pants one day, mukluks and snow goggles the next… It will crush your soul, Sagittarius, and then pee on it. If you let it

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
You know what would suck? Getting turned into a deer and having your own pack of hunting dogs chase you down and eat you. Granted, that's not very likely, insofar as I highly doubt you have your own pack of hunting dogs, Capricorn. If you did, would you even be reading this magazine? Man, what's it like to be rich?

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
It's very dangerous to have rooftop barbeque parties with homemade absinthe. Trust me. It all starts with delicately marinated bell peppers and next thing you know someone wants to try walking on coals and the whole building goes up in flames. Moderation and decorum, Aquarius, are the keys to the good life.

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20 If I see one more adult on a fucking push-scooter I'm going to step into them with my shoulder and knock them into next Tuesday. Why is it so hard to grow up, people? Is it fear of death? Acting like a tween in your early thirties is not going to forestall your inevitable physical collapse. Your organs are dying even as I type this, Pisces; deal with it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Horoscope

Posted on Wed, Mar 16, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
This is it, Pisces. The world, in all its marvelous, frustrating, terrifying vastness is here for you to see. It's a big place, so I'd recommend you get started pretty soon, because really, how much time do any of us have? Take a boat, take a plane, take a bike, ride a camel… Whatever you do, just get going.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Take it to the dance floor, Aries. Put down that shiv and let your aggression flow from you in so much stylized "movement" violence. Trade in your leather jacket and dungarees for a freshly washed unitard and let the music fill you. Only then will you be happy.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Pretty thin gruel, Taurus. Honestly, I know you've put everything into it, all your heart and soul, but sometimes you just have to walk away from a project. It's a harsh lesson the world teaches us, but one we'd best learn quickly: just because you try hard, and want it bad, doesn't mean it'll happen for you.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Stone Temple Pilots are no longer elegant bachelors. Hammer time has ended. Madonna looks like Iron Maiden's Eddie. If you even know what I'm talking about, Gemini, it means you, too, are getting older. I'm sorry. It happens, the body revolts, things end. All the Care Bears are dead.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I dreamed I was floating along in a big iron ball, staring out the riveted portals at the storm-tossed sea as the Lumiére Brothers followed my progress in a dirigible made from profiteroles. It was a bad dream, Cancer, and I sensed you watching from just beyond my vision. Why are you stalking me?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
So apparently Smith Street is in Gowanus? Crazy right? I always thought of it as Carroll Gardens/Cobble Hill, but nope… You see, Leo, you can live for a long time with stupid assumptions that don't actually affect your day-to-day life. So, you know, carry on being dumb, I guess.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Time to work it out, Virgo. You can't live in that tree house forever. One of these days you're going to have to come down and out of the backyard to face your accusers. Or can you live in that tree house forever? It worked for the Baron in the Trees! So yeah, nevermind… try it!

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Is it weird for a thirtysomething male to be exhibiting all the signs of menopause? Because I just watched The Bridges of Madison County and I'm just crying a river here (but also horny, so...). Is something wrong with me, Libra? Is it a crime to find pantsuits both comfortable and elegant? I AM MURPHY BROWN.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Extreme sleep deprivation has occasionally been used by mental health professionals to lift the severely depressed out of their suicidal ideation. Seriously, it works. Around hour 24 of wakefulness, the brain starts to release all these wonderful chemicals. I've been awake for 36 hours, Scorpio, and I'm not even thinking of killing myself!

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
In a recent poll conducted in my house, it turns out that 65 percent of the furniture "strongly favors" my living there, while 45 percent of the cutlery "strongly opposes" my tendency to sit at the kitchen table eating astronaut food. But who believes polls, anyway, right Sagittarius? Even my cats think I'd make a good president.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Fever is a beautiful word. It's a slow word, not too bright, but hot. It feels good coming across the lips. It's a password for strange dreams, a shibboleth for those who burn like Roman candles, a movie with John Travolta, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
I think you're doing a great job, Aquarius. And I think you're going to continue to do a great job. One never knows how one will react to life and its cruel and unusual changes, but you're rising to the challenge like a real champ. And for that I salute you.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Mar 2, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
So! You're here! What do you want to do today? Stroll around the neighborhood? Sip warm drinks? Muck around with finger paints? The world is an unprecedented self-generating engine of sound and vision, Pisces, of activity and sensation—let's get cracking.

Aries Mar 21-Arp 19
A test pattern has to contain all visual information a TV set might conceivably be called upon to represent; over the decades, technicians have fulfilled these evolving but stringent requirements in wildly divergent ways, producing 8-bit mandalas and credible Barnett Newman knock-offs. Life is like that, too, I guess? You tell me, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Helping other people be better at liking something is a skill often overlooked in this diffuse, solipsistic century, but don't think all those mixtapes and personalized recommendations have gone unnoticed. You're going to make a helluva librarian someday, Taurus, and not just because you look mad foxy in glasses.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Seeing your father naked is weird, isn't it? Like the mysteries of adulthood are rendered suddenly banal and even slightly silly? Like someone's just dropped an appallingly casual reference to the unknown disappointments lurking in your own future? Towels, Gemini. Just... towels.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Self-doubt is natural, self-doubt is good; not everybody doubts themselves, but everybody should. Self-doubt is natural, self-doubt is fun; self-doubt is best, Cancer, when it's free of self-pity, and undertaken with the goal of active self-betterment.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
In the 90s, before I switched to writing horoscopes in English, I published some cosmograms adapted from Cocteau Twins songs. We subsequently collaborated on several horoscopes; Cocteau completists still run my old Angelfire site through Google Translate, trying to find them. There's a lesson here, Leo, about the proper maintenance of one's discography.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Virgo, as digital photographic technologies offer ever higher definition and ever more lifelike resolution, do you ever worry that we're being carried towards an acontextual eternal present, in which all memories are stripped of texture and its potential for emotional friction? Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away—oh, wait, you already did. Fuck.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
The enemy is everywhere—perhaps even your co-workers or Twitter followers are infiltrators, harboring secret plans to subvert all that you hold dear: free speech, free enterprise, free salad and breadsticks, the band Free, former NBA all-star World B. Free, &c. Whom can you trust, Libra?

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
There's an app for that, Scorpio—and by "that," I mean boredom; mental stress and muscle tension; lack of confidence in social situations; the diamond-hard clarity of memory and the blinding dazzle of regret; or, conversely, the weightless void of present happiness. And by "an app," I mean "drinking."

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
We could send letters, Sagittarius—effusive, intimate, devastatingly witty letters, our anecdotes, judgments and asides spilling from our pens as easily as notes from a harpsichord. Alternately, we could dip our smartphones in sealing wax, and laugh merrily at the resultant Auto Correct blunders.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I sometimes stand before my mirror and don a fedora, or leather football helmet, or Viking horns, and talk to myself in the voice of a film-noir narrator, or a prewar letterman, or an Old Norse pillager: playing dress-up helps me relocate my narrative thread. Try telling your own life story in the third person some time, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Sure, Franka Potente is a beautiful woman, Aquarius—but that doesn't mean you should get a 1:1.33 reproduction of her face tattooed on both your quadriceps. I mean, I'm as big a Princess and the Warrior fan as the next guy, but it just seems a bit... excessive, no? Why not sleep on it?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
We've been waiting for you for a while now. That's ok, though, you're here now, and man am I glad to see you. You honestly didn't miss much... A sunset or two, the Fall of the Berlin Wall, etc. So look, Pisces, now that you're here, maybe you should relax and stick around?

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Remembering the dead is something we must do by speaking their names out loud. If we don't, they'll get lost. They'll get stuck between the pages of books, or buried under layers of wallpaper. Go on, Aries, even if it hurts. The names.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Staying up late and getting drunk waiting for the early morning cartoons to come on is not something you should do more than once a week, Taurus. It sort of wrecks your chance at leading a decent life. Also, though? Decent life=overrated.

Gemini May 21-June 20
It's not cool to always be comparing people's body parts to food. "His arm was like a canapé," or "Her cheeks were like veal cheeks." See? Not cool, Gemini. How about you just dispense with similes altogether? REAL TALK FOR ONCE.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Visualize what you want. You want a box of raisinettes? Visualize it. Cricket helmet? Visualize it. Happiness? I'm not sure how you visualize that, Cancer. Flowers? A puppy? Raisinettes? I don't know. Happiness is beyond me.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
If you're going to gorge yourself on something, you have to be prepared to suffer for it. I knew a sous-chef who used to drink a bottle of Chartreuse a month, in one sitting, with all the lights off, listening to early Genesis. But you know, Leo, he never really suffered! So yeah, go nuts!

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
For once, just don't get in the middle of it, Virgo. Stay on the sidelines. Let opposing forces tire themselves out as you sit quietly by watching old episodes of Sanford Und Sohne. The world craves conflict, wants to grind us down. Don't let it.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Good Christ we are way too good at hurting the ones we love. It is our expertise, our calling, our mastery. We do not want to hurt the ones we love, but we cannot help it; in our eyes we hide daggers, in our hearts, slow clouds of poison. Have a good month, Libra!

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's frustrating when obvious things happen in obvious ways. Banal things we can see coming from miles away, happening in slow motion in front of our eyes. Bad screenplays, man, so many bad screenplays. We are all just walking around in bad screenplays, Scorpio.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Sing! Just sing when you're down! Sing when you're happy! Sing the shit out of that shit! Start with just sounds, basic vowels. And then add some words. Maybe rhyme them. Then, some beats... And hey, you're Mark Ronson! Way to go, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
What do you think taxi drivers think when they end up taking other cabs? Do you think they judge the other driver? Or do they maybe talk in secret cabbie code? I bet some of them lord it over other taxi drivers like they're momentary big shots. Don't be a jerk like those last guys, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It'll be nicer than you think. Really, I promise. Don't be scared. Be brave. Say yes. Get lost. Don't listen. Trust. It'll all be better than it looks. You have no idea. Also, the key to being a good cook is lots of butter. You're going to be just fine, I promise, Aquarius.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Feb 2, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
So what do you think so far? It's kind of loud, right? But it's also superfun. We're happy you're here. There's a ton of stuff to do, and see, and grab, and just straight-up play with. And man, I'll tell you, playing with stuff is probably about the best thing a person can do. Just try to enjoy yourself, Aquarius. A talent for happiness is a special thing.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I love the word "slalom," Pisces. Not only is it warm and sonorous, doing lovely things to the human mouth, but it also describes a fundamentally important way of being in the world: moving toward a goal with purpose while avoiding inevitable obstacles with grace and determination. So, can I borrow your skis?

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
When I was 16, I ran away from home and joined a gaggle of wandering teen astrologers, a ragtag troupe of star-reading, skateboarding, paint-huffing funsters. We'd shoplift from the Gulp n' Sip and head down to the manmade beach and do horoscopes for the local trailer trash. I was freer, then, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
You need friends, Taurus. I'm serious. I'm not talking about the people you drink with, or watch Jersey Shore with, I'm talking about the people you call with that last quarter you found under the Dr. Pepper machine at the back of the transplant clinic—the people who will actually come and help you look for your kidney. Friends.

Gemini May 21-June 20
It's snowed so much since Christmas that I've finally been able to construct the ice cabin of my dreams. Through painstaking shoveling, and deft use of the water hose, I've built a two-story ice retreat in my backyard. It's totally awesome, Gemini. I sit in the living room reading Austen, eating popsicles.

Cancer June 21-July 22
You know those redwoods in California you can drive a small sedan through? Yeah, Cancer, they're really big. You're kind of like one of those: impressive and majestic when considered at a distance, but all too easily ignored up close. Maybe you could try some colorful scarves? Or a parrot?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Do you like your job(s), Leo? When you think of being at work do you feel a cohort of stilettos walking across your shoulders and/or a poisonous fluttering of tiny demon wings in your stomach? Are you perhaps being a little histrionic about this? Should you perhaps suck it up? Perhaps. Yes.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
You know, I was thinking recently that Leonard Cohen always, always does the worst version of his own songs. It's sad really. If you listen to any of the myriad covers of his songs, and then listen to his version right after, it's totally barfy. Poor guy. Know your limits, Virgo.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Grace is my favorite idea to come out of Christianity (and yes, I realize the Greeks explored it as a concept, but I'm talking about the way Christianity contextualized it within the noumenal, a force that moves our lives as wind moves the water on a lake). So yeah, Libra, you should've been more graceful when you borrowed my bike.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Hey! All of my favorite seed catalogues are starting to show up in the mail! Yay! You know, Scorpio, this means the Earth won't be trapped in a permanent Narnia-style winter? Golly, I love looking at the names of all the crazy heirloom plants: Mormon's Revenge? That's a runner bean I WANT TO EAT.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Did you know there are supercheap toys sold at big-box stores (Walmart!) that are recommended to be washed before any child touches them? Apparently they're coated in some kind of Chinese industrial film that could poison a whale. What the fuck happened to us, Sagittarius? Have we gone mad?

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Kite fighting is my new thing, and not that lame-ass ornamental "this kite is based on a 17th-century Chinese Imperial dragon-kite, so please don't touch it" bullshit—I'm talking about, "Hey, let's fucking kite-fight, dude!" Aggression and release is a part of who we are, Capricorn...You need to throw down more, with kites.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Jan 19, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18 Well, I suppose you could be here any minute, Aquarius. How about that? We're doing our best to prepare—new Barcalounger, Zima on ice, freshly pressed slacks—but I'm sure in our excitement we've forgotten one or two important things. So please forgive us our small failings, we're just really happy you've decided to come.

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20 Imagine if the government was run by angels? Oh what a wonderful government that would be! We could pay our taxes in hugs and our roads would be paved with satin and we wouldn't need healthcare reform because everyone would want to die and become a bureaucratic angel! Oh Pisces, let there be angels! With dirty faces!

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19 Screaming, chaos, wild and unruly hoydens running amok through the cold winter snow—it's just another winter wonderland in Brooklyn! (Yes, hoydens, seriously, I saw em.) There's a particular madness in the air, these days, Aries. Might as well join in.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20 The thump thump of the downstairs neighbor playing old Heart records at three in the morning is actually kind of comforting to me. Sure, it keeps me awake, but there's just something about "Barracuda" rising up through the hardwood flooring and into my thorax that touches my soul. Don't fight the moment, Taurus.

Gemini May 21-June 20 Normally I get pretty angry and irritated by twentysomethings having snowball fights. I'm not a big fan of "fun" or "free spiritedness"—frankly, I think it's immoral. For some reason, though, this winter, I've almost enjoyed watching college-educated youth shoving snow down each other's pants. Does that make me a pervert, Gemini? Probably.

Cancer June 21-July 22 One more year to go until the next doomsday countdown (heh, Y2K, that was awesome). So, twentytwelve… Do you have plans for the Apocalypse, Cancer? I thought I'd buy a nice bottle of wine, iron my vest, set out the cheese to warm, and enjoy some Wodehouse. It's important to plan for the future, you know…

Leo July 23-Aug 22 If your life was a movie, Leo, Armond White would probably dismiss at as "reactionary bourgeois decadence wholly detached from what makes America great." Then he would probably compare your life unfavorably to Eddie Murphy's Norbit. Sometimes contrarianism is just stupidity.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 Wouldn't it be totally radballs if there was a big mountain just jutting straight up from the middle of Brooklyn? I'm not talking a hill, I mean a real, ski-able mountain, with chairlifts and chalets and brown bears and everything. And in the summer you could hike on it. (Basically, Virgo, I just really want to go skiing.)

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22 Belief is like a pint of beer in a busy bar. It takes a little effort to acquire, a lot of it spills to the floor on the way back to your table, and sometimes it can do more harm than good. But it's delicious, and can make you do inspired and interesting things. On the whole, though, Libra, I'll take beer.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 I was thinking of rebranding myself as an "artisanal, locally grown, fully sustainable, organic" astrologist. But then I realized that I probably couldn't get by without the copious amounts of MSG I consume; nor can I afford anything but factory farmed grouse bones (for auguries). Oh well, Scorpio, sometimes ideological purity is just a bad thing.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21 We can't get through life alone. And by "get through" I mean expect even a modicum of happiness. Do you expect to be happy, Sagittarius, as you move through existence? I used to think if you expected nothing, you would then be happily surprised when good things happened. Now I know that if you expect nothing, you'll get nothing.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 Chainsaw ice sculpting: cool or lame, Capricorn? Pigtails on husky dudes: cool or lame? Sweater vests tucked into dungarees? Viking helmets? Watermelons soaked through with vodka? One-man bands? Talking like a pirate? COOL. These are all cool things. You have my blessing.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 4:00 AM

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
We all lie. We do. And if we think we aren’t lying then we deceive ourselves. Are you deceiving yourself, Sagittarius? And would you even know if you were? I reckon you probably are—but that’s ok. Just don’t make a habit of it, please.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Are you spending too much time in front of the mirror these days, Capricorn? And no, I don’t mean primping, I mean talking to yourself about how you haven’t yet become the important visionary genius you’d pictured yourself as back when you were 12. Turn away from the mirror and take a picture.

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Who you gonna call when the shit really goes down, Aquarius? You need to think about this. Everybody’s your friend when it’s all cocaine and lollipops—but what about when it’s nothing but dry bundt cake and lint, hrmm?

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
Hey! Awesome! It’s the holidays, when everything is magnified through a glistening haze of fake snow, real booze, and twinkly Christmas lights. It’s like when you were a kid and you got into a fight and had to punch through your tears. It’s hard to see, right, Pisces? So don’t bother looking till January.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I was thinking of having a cast made of my head, Aries, but I’m worried it might seem arrogant. It’s not what you’re thinking, though. It’s not for my mantle or the top of my Steinway, it’s for my dog, Bessie. She’s old, and her senses are shot and I think this would make her happy. Is that so wrong?

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
A belly scratched is a penny saved—know what I mean, Taurus? Think about it. Reach out and touch that special someone. Let them know how you feel with actions, gestures, not words. Sometimes the strongest feelings cannot be said, can only be shown. (We’re talking about dogs, right?)

Gemini May 21-June 20
I was watching Rashomon the other night, for the thousandth time, while lying in bed listening to A Child’s Christmas in Wales. Now, maybe it was the port, or maybe it was the benzedrine, but I swear Dylan Thomas’s voice fits perfectly with Toshiro Mifune’s face—it’ll give you goosebumps, Gemini.

Cancer June 21-July 22
You seem a little wild in the eyes, Cancer, like you haven’t slept in a while. Look, when’s the last time you had a square meal and a clean pillow? Come on, man, come inside and I’ll crack a couple beers, make some soup, and everything’ll be alright. I promise, pal, you’ll see.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Somewhere, right now, in some suburb, a train is passing in the distance, blowing its whistle. And some kid in that suburb is hearing that whistle, and is imagining the great big world out there, far from the ugliness of the milk-sour cafeteria, the grim mall. And that kid feels a little better, Leo. (Are there still trains?)

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
You can’t get through winter without a good collection of pop songs, Virgo. I don’t care if it’s a cassette mix from the summer after tenth grade (what a terrifying, awful/wonderful summer that was, right?), you’re gonna need artfully crafted expressions of fleeting, superficial happiness or you might have a breakdown.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Pretend you’re a tourist for a day. Take yourself to the Bronx Zoo, then down to the Statue of Liberty. Put on a tuxedo and go hang out at Grant’s Tomb. Make a rendezvous at the top of the Empire State Building. Endure a night at Sammy’s Roumanian. Escape your life, Libra, even if for just a second.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Sometimes it feels like the only kind of luck is bad luck, eh Scorpio? Like your three-legged dog just up and left you for a cat person, or your diary’s about to be released by Wikileaks. The only advice I have for you is to go back to bed until it’s over.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Nov 24, 2010 at 4:00 AM

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I used to think umbrellas were for the weak. I used to think koalas were amphibians. I used to think Simon LeBon was a real person. I used to think helium was a kind of Swedish cheese. I used to think a lot of things, Sagittarius, and I was wrong.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Fratboys are worse than cops but better than drill sergeants. Frogs are better than snakes but worse than spiders. Bread is better than pasta but worse than potatoes. Everything is everything else and you wonder why we’re so mean to each other? Also, the Violent Femmes were pretty great, right? (Sorry, Capricorn, rye poisoning.)

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Remember that time you were super anxious about the Hadron supercollider? You thought it was going to contort the space-time continuum into an impenetrable Riemannian vortex and that we’d never get to use all our air miles. Silly Aquarius, space and time are the same thing. Don’t you see that?

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
Henrik Pontoppidan was beloved in his native Denmark. Henrik Pontoppidan won the Nobel Prize for Literature. Yep, things were looking pre-tty good for this exemplar of Scandinavian literature’s famed "Modern Breakthrough," an equal of Ibsen and Strindberg. And then what do you think happened to Henrik Pontoppidan, Pisces? He died. But at least he didn’t die a virgin.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I’ve been contemplating taking a trapeze class. Not an actual class on how to swing on an actual trapeze, but rather trapeze theory: you know, tight coloration, swing control, glitter manipulation, the metaphysics of the pendulum, what we talk about when we talk about dismounts. Sometimes, Aries, theory is more interesting than the thing itself.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Honey or vinegar? That’s kind of the universal decision we have to make all the time, every day. Are we going to get what we want by being nice or being a dick? And you know what, Taurus? Every situation is different, there’s no one way to do things. Know what else? Honey and vinegar go together in a nice salad dressing.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I really respect all the time you’ve been putting into writing those special pamphlets on things like "Management in a Time of Prosperity" and "Seven Ways to Field Dress a Brick of Organic Tofu," but I’m not convinced you know what you’re talking about, Gemini. Not convinced.

Cancer June 21-July 22
There is nothing quite equal to the pain expressed in the quavering voice of a really good ghazal singer. Well, perhaps your recent performative poutiness could make a run for it, but I’m thinking you’re not actually that devastated, Cancer. Time to get on with your life.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
If your dreams start looking like an old Super 8 home movie maybe it’s time to get your head out of the archives, Leo. Stop thinking it’s ok to drop the word "microfiche" on first dates—life isn’t lived in the library. It’s lived in the boathouse.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Are you satisfied with your girth? Until I began receiving a firehose torrent of spam messages on the subject, it never really occurred to me that my penis might not be big enough. Now it’s all I think about; on the 4 train, I stare furtively at the crotches of my fellow commuters. Don’t judge your worth in comparison to others, Virgo. Or maybe do?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Sometimes life is like visiting a movie set. It all looks normal, and people are behaving as people do, but there’s something weird at the heart of it all, as if everyone is following some script you’ve never seen. When you get this feeling, Libra, it might mean you’re just crazy. Or not.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Don’t you wish the passed would just stay the passed? Like when you pass a Ford Doppelgänger on the FDR and it insists on catching up and trying to repass you? What is wrong with people? Ugh. Sorry, Scorpio, I’m just having a bad time with humanity and all its stupid racing to the bottom. So be kind to someone today.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Nov 10, 2010 at 4:00 AM

SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21
Trumpet solo! If you have a boring old pop song, three or four chords of predictably melancholic "fun," you can always liven it up with a trumpet solo! This will make your song important and unique, and will appeal to old people ("listen, mom, a brass section!"). You're welcome, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 -Dec 21
There are people who commute four hours a day, every day, locked away in their cars listening to idiots on the radio saying stupid things. I feel badly for these commuter people, Sagittarius, because they end up dumb and angry at the end of each day. We can't have a country filled with the dumb and angry, can we?

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19
Puppy piles are what you need, Capricorn. You could be depressed and actively suicidal and a puppy pile would pull you out of it like that [snaps fingers]. And you don't even need live dogs! (Though they help.) Just pile up all your favorite clothes, fresh from the dryer, and climb on in! Instant happiness.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 -Feb 18
One day you'll have a donkey, Aquarius. And you'll name that donkey "Ferdinand" and he'll be a wise and gentle donkey, capable of basic arithmetic and good at rehabilitating troubled shelter dogs. Ferdinand will be like the Gandhi of donkeys, and he will make you very happy. Sound good?

PISCES Feb 19 -Mar 20
Oh boy. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Doesn't it feel like the last one just happened, like you only recently recovered from a turkey coma and/or the lacerating anger of a full-scale family brawl? The inexorable passage of time continues to be a deeply disturbing thing, does it not, Pisces?

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 19
I just got cut off in traffic by a cube van advertising a strip club. I'm not sure if the cube van is actually transporting the relevant materiel for a strip club, or if it's just, like, a banana-delivery van helping out a friend. I don't know. I don't understand the world anymore, Aries.

TAURUS Apr 20-May 20
I'm in the middle of a moral crisis, Taurus. I've been asked by an international astrological trade magazine to pose nude. Now, I don't have any particular hang-ups about my body, but I'm worried that this kind of exposure will tarnish the respectability of my craft. When's the last time you took a big risk?

GEMINI May 21-June 20
Are you having a hard time relaxing these days, Gemini? Does every little act by your fellow humans seem perfectly calibrated to aggravate you? What if I were to tell you that this is, in fact, the case? The universe is conspiring against you and there's nothing you can do. So you might as well roll with it.

CANCER June 21-July 22
Remember acid rain? We totally kicked its ass. And CFCs? Also an ass kicking. Except listen to this: acid rain is making a comeback (in China!), and the use of HCFCs is on the rise (being manufactured by China and India). Sometimes it just makes sense to give up, Cancer.

LEO July 23-Aug 22
Algorhythmic stock trading is the way of the future. Seriously. I think something like 70 percent of all trades are now done by computers, and individual stocks are only held onto for an average of 11 seconds. What the fuck is wrong with us, Leo, that we've created a world like this?

VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22
Some of the greatest artists in the history of the world have been forgers, men and women who preferred the nuance of the mimetic to the glory of the unique. Also, as a general rule, forgers get paid and artists die poor. So which are you, Virgo? A comfortable expert or a struggling visionary?

LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
Fall foliage! I love fall foliage! Orange, yellow, red! I was wondering, Libra, on a recent trip to the internet, why leaves turn such bright colors. I know the causal reason (absence of clorophyl), but what is the bioevolutionary purpose of the bright colors? Do the bright leaves attract birds? Lil help?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 4:00 AM

SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21
Yo, Scorpio, brown-bag it! Whatever you’re doing, brown-bag it! Going to the library? Brown-bag it! Climbing a hill? Brown-bag it! Home stitches at the kitchen table? Oh you better brown-bag it! First date? Don’t brown-bag that, ok?

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 -Dec 21
Lavender ain’t your color. Really, it’s not. Scarves, lipstick, support hose, ball caps, pin-striped suits… No, no, no, no and no. These days, you need primary colors, red and blue. That’s it, Sagittarius, no arguments, this is what you need now.

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19
It’s hard to love something, isn’t it, Capricorn? When you begin to really love, you begin to really understand that the world can take things away from you, just like that. This is a hard thing to know. The hardest thing, really. But that’s love.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 -Feb 18
You look like you could use a drink, Aquarius. Like ten. Margaritas, passion fruit, with really high-end tequila. And with those drinks you’ll need a beachfront bar, white sand and deep aquamarine seas… You really need a vacation.

PISCES Feb 19 -Mar 20
What was your favorite album as a 16-year-old? Think hard. Consult your old journals. Examine your archived binders. Now find that album and play it, Pisces. Play it for a week straight. Inhabit that time in your life, and then let it go.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 19 Just because you know how to use a crossbow to bring down an elk does not make you the lord of the jungle. Your whole "hunters vs. farmers, cave man diet" shit is getting really tired, Aries. And video game hunting really doesn’t count. Try maintaining a tomato plant for a year… That’s something real.

TAURUS Apr 20-May 20
I want a beer. I want my pyjamas. I want to ride on a tractor. I want pie (no, not that pie, that pie). I want to look at dioramas. I want to water ski behind a pride of royal dolphins. I want to be loved, even for just a moment, for who I am. You gotta know what you want, Taurus.

GEMINI May 21-June 20
There are places, Gemini, in this world of ours, that don’t have seasons. I could not live in those countries. I’ve always held that the sharp changes in season help us to remember parts of our lives we’d otherwise forget. There’s something almost olfactory in the sharp mnemonic pivot brought on by the first cold night. Shit.

CANCER June 21-July 22
I knew a woman who kept a simmering pot of food on the stove at all times. And into this slow-burbling pot would go all the day’s leftovers, no matter what they were. This pot was always cooking, day and night, and it yielded truly awful meals. This woman was totally unhappy, Cancer. Crazy, too.

LEO July 23-Aug 22
New studies at the University of Auckland have actually revealed that it’s impossible to drown in a bathtub. Over the course of three days, 35 very depressed volunteers attempted to drown themselves in eight clawfoot bathtubs, to no avail. So all those old sayings, Leo? Bullshit.

VIRGO Aug 23-Sep 22
Oh to be taken care of one more time, like when we were kids. To be carried up the stairs after a long car ride, half asleep, safe and warm. And grilled cheese, just so. Life is full of fear and woe, Virgo, but boy is it also filled with small happiness, everywhere, all the time. What a truly strange species we are.

LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
I recently participated in a small Moldovan ad campaign on behalf of a popular brand of morning cakes called MertKakker. The MertKakker people made a thousand "life-size" cutouts of me, except they were all slightly undersize. Libra, do you sometimes feel smaller than life-size? Doesn’t feel good, does it?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Oct 13, 2010 at 4:00 AM

LIBRA sept 23-oct 22 Sleeping outside in the winter is a remarkable thing: the air is clear as knives, and the only sound is the ice moving across the forest floor; your breath hovers above you in a misted purse and the stars spell out the things you can't forget. Oh Libra, you've got to try it.

SCORPIO oct 23-nov 21 I drank two quarts of milk a day when I was a boy. But then in my twenties, I stopped, and started drinking beer. Now I drink milk again, and beer. Don't listen to people, Scorpio, when they tell you that you can't have it all. Cuz dude, you can.

SAGITTARIUS nov 22-Dec 21 Stop being such a dick. Seriously, Sagittarius. I'm not saying you are a dick, but just that you've been acting like one lately. And you know it, don't tell me you don't. There's something deeply angry in you and it's coming out all wrong. Try some nettle tea and a cheese sandwich.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19 What piece of advice would you go back and give your 12-year-old self, Capricorn? Don't pull on Jennifer Fudge's bra strap? Don't shoplift that ice cream cake from Jug City? Don't smoke pine needles? For me it's pretty much all of the above.

AQUARIUS JAN 20-FEB 18 You're doing very good work these days, Aquarius. I can't really fault any of your decisions over the last fortnight. Could this be a turning point for you? I feel like you've come to accept some pretty important truths, lately, that will stay with you for the rest of your life. Hooray!

PISCES FEB 19-MAR 20 Your bitterness is beginning to poison more than just your own life, Pisces. It's slipping into the world of those around you and making them sick. I know you don't want to hear this, but you still have a chance to turn it around. And it all begins with a better haircut. I'm serious.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19 You gotta party a lil bit harder, Aries. While I respect your whole "now I'm a mature adult who doesn't inject vodka into fruit and freeze it" approach to life, I really think you're just a boring old person now. Don't be that, ok? Just don't.

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20 Attachments. The world's major religions help us deal with our earthly desires by replacing them with an obscure and distant God. This hasn't worked so well over the years, has it? So I say embrace your attachments, Taurus. And own them.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20 Dance like you have ants in your pants. Dance like you have France in your pants. Dance like your pants are in France with your aunts. Why are your pants in France with your aunts? Because you can't dance, or because you don't like France? Gemini?

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22 Secure the perimeter! Tie down the mizzenmast! Take the cake out of the oven! How are you in a panic, Cancer? Because sometimes I find myself yelling hysterically for no reason at all. Just screaming out jibberish. So I need someone good in a panic. And that's you.

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22 Are you ready for the future, Leo? I don't think you are. The future is a magical place, a golden tomorrow filled with promise and hope and waffles and cheese fondue and talking dogs and totally realistic sexbots. I for one welcome our new sexbot overlords. Will you?

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 22 It's ok to be afraid of death, Virgo, the unknown is scary shit. But does it make sense to be afraid of something inevitable, something unavoidable? Why bother wringing your hands about the great unknown when there's so much to do? So much to see?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

HOROSCOPE

Posted By on Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 1:00 AM

VIRGO AUG 23 -SEP 22
Where I grew up, high school football wasn't taken very seriously. In fact, it was kind of a joke sport, the way netball is thought of here in the United States. I feel a little sad about never having had the chance to date a cheerleader, but there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Find peace, Virgo, before it finds you.

CANCER JUN 21-JUL 22
Ok, I'll admit it, I'm bald. I've been bald for a while now, so I'm cool with it. But last night I had a dream I met someone while I was wearing a hat, and they really seemed to like me, but then I freaked out because they didn't know I was really bald. Oh no! Vanity is a trap, Cancer.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
While you're at it, Aries, why don't you put on a big kettle of peaches to cook down into sauce? We just have so many peaches in the kitchen right now, it would be a shame to watch them all slowly putrefy into a viscous, fly-ridden mess of sickly sweet fruit flesh. Like our love, you intemperate cow.

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
OMG, only a few weeks till hockey season starts!!!! I can't tell you how truly excited I am, Taurus, as any redblooded Laplander would be. Hockey, I have always found, is the perfect analog for life: it's violent, fast, joyous, agonizing, desperate and mainly played by Canadians. You should learn to skate this winter.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
So, Gemini, how's the decade treating you so far? Between you and me, I have a particularly good feeling about the next ten years, insofar as I can't imagine they'll be as bad as the last ten (not for me personally, but for the world). Of course, I could be wrong. That would suck, wouldn't it, if I was wrong?

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
I was chopping the crap out of a giant wild rose bush the other day, and I got so many goddamn thorns all over my body I felt like a thousand tiny suns had given me a thousand tiny sunburns. Thus begins my own personal War of the Roses, in which I will fight all roses. Outta my way, Leo.

LIBRA SEP 23-OCT 22
You look and you look and you look and then, without even noticing, the thing you were looking at has transformed completely and you realize you're locked in a Romanian ladies' room with no money and no gun. Has this ever happened to you, Libra? Because it's about to…

SCORPIO OCT 23-NOV 21
Don't go into the woods, Scorpio. Not for the next two weeks. Please, just don't go in there. I can't tell you why, exactly, but I can tell you that it involves several ghoulish cardboard cutouts of M. Emmett Walsh holding a paintball gun. Someone is out to get you, dude.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22-DEC 21
Wasps, though they appear meaner and more evil than honey bees, actually have a more bearable sting: it's quicker, sharper, and the pain lasts all of three seconds. It's also pretty easy to deal with them if you just make sure to have gin chilled in the freezer at all times. Jokes, Sagittarius, I got ‘em.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19
Dear Capricorn, I'm thinking of setting up an escrow account for my cat, Foibles. The plan would be to take ten percent of Foibles' monthly earnings and deposit them into a high-yield account cached somewhere in the Turks and Caicos. This way, at the end of each year, Foibles will have enough money to host his own Cat Party.

AQUARIUS JAN 20-FEB 18
Soren, Lucian, Otto, Kit, Royal, Charlie… What's really in a name, Aquarius? Letters. It's just letters. Also, sounds. Also, references to other people, and other lives lived. So actually, there's a lot in a name, they're pretty important. That's why I'm changing mine to Stephanie. That's such a pretty name.

PISCES FEB 19-MAR 20
I went through a pretty serious metal phase when I was 11 years old. I read metal mags and everything. I even watched Krokus concert videos, fer chrissakes. But that doesn't mean I'm down with ironic metal now, Pisces, so you can stop with your Danzig sing-alongs and your Ronnie James Dio tribute nights. Thanks.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

HOROSCOPE

Posted By on Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 2:00 AM

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22
Hey, you know that song, "Strange Fruit," the one about lynchings, written for Billie Holliday? Yeah, it's really intense. There's a version of it sung by Nina Simone. You should listen to it. NOW. REALLY LOUD.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
Promises. We all make them. We all break them. But we try to keep them, don't we? We try to be good, and even though we fail, we must keep trying. Because only the good get chocolate.

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
There's such a thing as too much planning. Take road trips: do you really need to know what kind of snacks you're going to be eating on a per mile basis? You do, don't you… That means you're crazy.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
Sometimes I wish I were a duke or a baron. Then I could have an indoor tennis court and a manservant called "Darrin." And Darrin would bring me lime rickeys all day long. Boy, I wish I were a duke.

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
I'm in the middle of building one of those model ships that fits into a bottle, except I keep smashing the bottles with my hammer. Actually, I've just been smashing a bunch of bottles, with my hammer. It's fun.

virgo aug 23-sep 22
Be careful what you ask people to do. Even though they might seem to do it willingly and with grace, they may come to despise you in the end. Loyalty and obedience, once they sour, are terrifying things.

libra sept 23-oct 22
The next logical step in the evolution of Bedford Avenue style is obviously the comb-over. Mark my words. Even the well-haired youth will shave their pates and effect a true Howard Cosell. Who's laughing now?!?

scorpio oct 23-nov 21
You know how Stanley Kubrick shot the sequel to Love Story using nothing but candlelight? That was pretty cool. Oh, if you were thinking of making a big purchase this month, you definitely should.

sagittarius nov 22 -dec 21
Not to get Seinfeld on all y'all, but what's the deal with duvets? A pillowcase for a blanket? Ridiculous. It reminds of your current predicament: you can't cover up the truth.

capricorn dec 22-jan 19
I'm kind of freaked out that Cecil is a woman's name. And that Carroll is a man's name. My whole worldview has been shaken. You know what I do when that happens? I get really, really drunk. Cheers.

aquarius jan 20 -feb 18
I'm currently reading Upton Sinclair's socialist realist classic, The Jungle, and boy is it a humdinger of injustice and depredation. The saddest part is how little has changed. Chicago is still a drag.

pisces feb 19 -mar 20
Steel cups. Steel cups are awesome. You pour cold beer into steel cups and they get this kind of frosty mist on the exterior. And when steel cups are empty you can use them to crack nuts. Everyone should drink from steel cups.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

HOROSCOPE

Posted By on Wed, Jul 7, 2010 at 1:00 AM

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22
When's the last time you couldn't tell if it was sunset or sunrise, Cancer? Well shoot, you gotta cut loose one of these days, lest you calcify within that rigid schedule you've been keeping. Patterns numb us into being TOTALLY FUCKING BORING. And that's no good.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
Fathers never really listen to their sons, nor sons to their fathers. This is the way of the world: we speak so we can hear ourselves, and listen only when the subject turns to us. It is a rare talent, Aries, to let go of the self long enough to feel the world. Try it!

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
We have too many names for things, these days, Taurus. Our hysterical taxonomical drive to catalogue and pathologize the entire spectrum of human emotion (and prescribe a pill for it) is itself perhaps our culture's deepest pathology. My point, here, is that it's ok to be sad.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
We can't all be faded old country stars sitting at the corner of the bar drinking whiskey from a tankard we brought from home that the bartender (Suzette, a former back-up singer in Mobile) knows just how to fill with one flick of her supple wrist. Nope, Gemini, we sure can't.

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
Why in the hell do you have to anthropomorphize everything? Talking dogs, talking fire hydrants, talking buses... It's really weird to walk down the street with someone who just keeps ventriloquizing every single object around. You do know that I can talk, right, Leo? (Please stop using that cartoon voice.)

VIRGO AUG 23-SEPT 22
Prison porn! It's the latest craze sweeping the nation's schoolyards! Ha, just kidding, that's not happening at all. Whatever is happening is probably worse—those kids are scary, Virgo, and each year we get older, they get harder to understand. Prison porn!

LIBRA SEPT 23-OCT 22
Getting drunk on warm vodka in a cheap hotel room is a little slice of heaven. Or was that cheap vodka in a warm room? Damn it, Libra, I can't ever remember what the hell the thing was about that. But whatever it is I miss it. Hooboy. When the sun hits yer face around noon

SCORPIO OCT 23-NOV 21
You ever run into those assholes who say things like, "If aliens landed on Earth they'd think dogs owned people because of the way they just lead them around." Man, I hate those kinds of assholes Scorpio, I'm concerned you might be becoming one of those of assholes.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 -DEC 21
God what a funny life, right, Sagittarius? It's filled with clowns and mimes and stand-up comedians and sitcoms and politicians and pigs in dresses and the hard bright truth of endless and eternal death. Hahaha. Loving life, right? RIGHT? What a funny fucking life.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19
When I was 15 I came across an ad in a hunting catalogue for land in the Ozarks. As my Great-Aunt Gerta had recently died and left me three million marks I decided to jump in and buy 100 American hectares. Well, I'm going there this fall, Capricorn, to build a yurt. Wish me luck!

AQUARIUS JAN 20 -FEB 18
A heartbeat is a fragile, confusing sort of magical thing. It is banal and repetitive, and yet somehow breathtakingly impossible, an endless lifelong rhythm measuring out the full span of a human life. Holy smokes, right, Aquarius! It's crazy to think about somatic shit like that, no?

PISCES FEB 19 -MAR 20
I'm gonna get me a donkey one day and I'm gonna name that donkey Gaspar. And then I'm gonna get me a friendly bull named Ferdinand, and Gaspar and Ferdinand are gonna be pals and are gonna totally rule the school. That's my plan, Pisces. Me, Gaspar, Ferdinand and a sunny field of clover.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

HOROSCOPE

Posted By on Wed, Jun 23, 2010 at 1:00 AM

ARIES (mar 21-apr 19)
High summer is upon us, and with it long hot days of noise and sweat and drama: car horns that blast the entire length of the Williamsburg Bridge; blockside beats that get into your viscera and stay with you all night keeping you awake; the earworms of the ice cream truck, eternal, torturous. Fall can't come soon enough, can it Aries?

TAURUS (apr 20-may 20)
There is a bar on Grand Street in Williamsburg, about 30 yards from Berry Street, that has a strictly locals-only policy. Every now and then when I walk by, I'll catch a glance through the open door and see happy people laughing and dancing and cussing and having a good time. I wish I could go to that bar, Taurus.

GEMINI (may 21-june 20)
If your brain were a pirate radio station, it'd be broadcasting freeform jams from a boat in international waters. If your heart was a squat, it'd be in the middle of downtown Amsterdam. If your brain and your heart got together for a benefit party, it'd be a fuck-ton of fun, Gemini... See what I'm getting at?

CANCER (june 21-july 22)
I was about 60 miles north of the Arctic Circle last week, in Norwegian territory, and I ran into some old Sami buddies of mine. When I told them I'd been spending a lot of time in Brooklyn they all got really excited and asked me if Roberta's was really that good. Fucking globalized hipster monoculture, Cancer. (I told 'em no.)

LEO (july 23-aug 22)
Did you once have the funk, Leo? Do you no longer have the funk? Where is the funk? What is the funk? Do we really need the funk to have a good time? If you had to make a choice, about one thing for the rest of your life, would you choose the funk or the mojo? And finally, have you seen my funk?

VIRGO (aug 23-sep 22)
Do you have World Cup fever? I have World Cup fever. I've watched every single minute of every single game and I'm even having dreams that I'm an international soccer star taking the pitch for extra time of the cup final... And then I wake up, and life seems bleak. Don't get lost in dreams, Virgo, live your life.

LIBRA (sept 23-oct 22)
Everybody's always freaking out about more parks, more green, more open space... Well, what about dark, shadowy places, the kind of tenebrous hovels that allow us to be anonymous and inward-looking? Who do I have to lobby to get more of those in the city? I mean seriously, Libra, there are hardly even any alleyways in this bizarro town.

SCORPIO (oct 23-nov 21)
Poor Flag Day. Used to be such a big deal, and then it got its identity changed to Memorial Day, and it became all about the party. But you know, Scorpio, life happens, and instead of moping, I heard that Flag Day moved to Austin and became kind of a big deal. Opened an organic burger joint, joined a roller derby team. Way to 
go Flag Day.

SAGITTARIUS (nov 22-dec 21)
There are moments in life when the future opens up to us in a way that is ferociously, terrifyingly real. For some, this abrupt and total realization of life's finitude (and its infinite possibility) is too much, and they run away from it. Others run to it. What will you do, Sagittarius? (Duh, the latter, please.)

CAPRICORN (dec 22-jan 19)
People don't change, Capricorn. They might realize they've fallen into patterns of unpleasant behavior that are costing them friends, and they might try to adjust these patterns of behavior, but that doesn't mean the part of them on the inside that wants so badly to destroy, has "changed." Just because you can control your impulses doesn't mean you don't have them.

AQUARIUS (jan 20-feb 18)
Dear Aquarius, I'm pretty damn happy about these recent developments, and I just wanted you to know that nothing is more important to me than your happiness through all this... And sure, I'm definitely going to fuck up at some point, but try not to hold it against me for too long. I'm trying, I promise.

PISCES (feb 19-mar 20)
My dog has her head draped across my wrist as I write this, so it is proving difficult to type with any kind of alacrity or spontaneity. As such, each word is measured out slowly, like fine cloth on the eve of a grand wedding. Should I let my dog marry a cat? She really wants to, Pisces, but I find it kind of weird... Thoughts?

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