On New Year's Day, while T.I. was releasing his very strong F*ck Da City mixtape, Raekwon dropped Unexpected Victory, which is mostly terrible except that it features the hilarious song "MTV Cribs" (embedded below), on which The Chef—assisted by Busta Rhymes—enumerates the many extravagant items in his home. These are the ten most ridiculous...
Listen to "MTV Cribs" while you read the list:
"Plasma toilet": I have no idea what this could possibly be. A toilet with a plasma control screen? A toilet with plasma running through its pipes instead of water? A plasma TV that only displays the image of a toilet? None of these things sound like something someone should be boasting about owning.
"Fila forks": Filas were, very briefly, the coolest sneakers, but by the time I got a pair their time had passed—or did they fall from favor because I got a pair? In any case, Fila's shoes are no longer popular, and their cutlery was never popular because it has never existed. But were it real—if, say, a wealthy rapper commissioned the shoe-maker to produce some limited-edition forks—I guess it might actually be kinda cool.
"Leather bikes": We've all seen bikes with elegant leather seats, but an entire bicycle made of leather sounds pretty impractical. Not to mention completely formless.
"Louis [Vuitton] cups and candles": Raek, LV totally doesn't make cups or candles. You got ripped off!
"Go-Go-Gadget stuff": Like, Inspector Gadget merchandise? Is it really rare, vintage Inspector Gadget gear that Raek bought off eBay? By "stuff" does he mean baseball caps and t-shirts, toys from the original cartoon, or that personal helicopter thing? Because, ok, that would actually be pretty cool.
"This automatic button right here/blow the house down": It's true, most people don't have self-destruct buttons for their homes.
"Refrigerator see-through": I guess if you're too lazy to open your fridge door to see whether or not you have any lettuce left, this might be cool to own. But wouldn't it seriously hinder your fridge's ability to maintain a stable temperature? How will The Chef keep his tub full of ice if his ice cube tray is constantly exposed to direct sunlight!?
"Walls got a different type texture": My walls have different types of textures. There's the well-painted but hollow-feeling drywall section, the rickety plywood closet fitted awkwardly alongside the non-functioning stone fireplace, and the slightly droopy part that the radiator drenches whenever it springs a leak. If I had as much money as Raekwon, first thing I'd do is get my radiator fixed.
"Green hats": Yeah, Raek has enough hats the color of money to throw his own St. Patrick's Day parade. Now you're jealous.