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“You have so much in common!” Well, the human genome is 99 percent similar to that of a chimpanzee, so, yeah, sure you do, but still. [Fun fact to bring up on your date: the much- and indeed quite recently vaunted similarity between the human and chimpanzee genome has in fact been somewhat overstated, due to selective sequencing. But, again, still. –Ed.]
1pm: Who the hell is this person, anyway? Find out by going on a date somewhere very well-lit, with a conversation piece that’ll overcome any initial awkwardness, and bring any cultural/psychological/political/religious/sexual dealbreakers out to the forefront early. HIDE/SEEK: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture, featuring taboo-busters from Mapplethorpe and Wojnarowicz to Neel and Leibovitz, is at the Brooklyn Museum (200 Eastern Parkway) through 2/12.
2:45pm: So, since neither one of you has stalked off to Grand Army Plaza in a rage of demographic solidarity, it’s time to test actual interpersonal compatibility. The Sunburnt Calf (611 Vanderbilt Ave) has an all-you-can-drink brunch and good-timey Aussie servers—it’s both conversational lubricant and a helpful early-warning system for worryingly low or high tolerance.
4:15m: That went well, right? (Right?) Reflect over a coffee at Outpost (1014 Fulton St), and use the wifi to check whether they’ve friended you on Facebook yet.
The opposite of death isn’t life—it’s sex. So there ought to be no better place to get that certain someone totally into you than one where you’ll both be surrounded by headstones, sepulchres and mausolea. This is gonna be us one day, baby; better live our lives to the fullest while there’s still time.
2:30pm: Great thing about Green-Wood Cemetery (500 25 St) is that not only is it a beautiful landscape, but also its main gate closes at 5pm, making it a perfect spot for one of those weekend-afternoon dates that’s easy to get out of if it goes poorly.
3pm: Show off! Seek out Leonard Bernstein’s grave and discuss how the role of the maestro as a public figure has changed. Locate the Statue of Minerva and wave hello to the Statue of Liberty. Recite passages from your Master’s thesis about how cemeteries are a relatively new phenomenon and probably long-term unsustainable in their present form.
5pm: Hey, that wasn’t so bad. And now you can go get a drink, thanks to the bourgeoning South Slope bar scene. May we recommend the friendly Bar 718 (718 Fifth Ave), or the pristine tap lines of Mary's (708 Fifth Ave)—or, c’mon, let’s be serious, both?
8:30pm: Oh, you shouldn’t have started drinking so early. And you definitely should have gone out for dinner first.