“A Beautiful Rainbow of Perverts” 

I’ve become smitten by my apothecary’s charwoman and I am uncertain about the proper way in which to approach her for an assignation. Should I go through her father, or her uncle, who is older? Actually, I’m just obsessed with Victorian erotica, but I can’t seem to get my partner interested in it (neither the literature nor the drawings). What should I do?

Be into something less boring? J/k, buddy, j/k. Look, as far as I can tell, there are two basic methodologies for getting people to do what you want in bed. The first is to trick your partner into enjoying what you enjoy. For some things this is easy, like if a person was really into giving blowjobs, it probably would not be difficult to find a partner willing to receive them. Some things are a harder sell — heavy S&M, complicated role-playing, adult babyism, whatever — especially since practitioners of this method of sway often want to do their favorite thing and only their favorite thing every time sex is had. Usually, it is best for these sorts of people to just start off with someone who shares their fetish, rather than trying to convince a partner to wear the mascot costume every single time.

The second way, is, duh, compromise. Quid pro quo. You get to do what you like best some of the time, and the other person gets to do what they like best some of the time. Obviously, going halfsies won’t work if your partner finds your fetish abhorrent. But if they’re not completely disgusted, you’d think seeing you so turned on would make acting out your scandalous daguerreotypes at least mildly entertaining. If not, then maybe your partner is a selfish dick. And don’t let them try to pull that “But it’s not a fair trade because what I like is normal sex and what you like is weird” crap, either. There’s no such thing as normal sex, just a beautiful rainbow of different kinds of perverts.

Bum sex seems to be as common today as French kissing. What do you think the next frontier is for normal middle-class sex?

That’s a puzzler, isn’t it? The progression from oral sex to anal sex as the used-to-be-taboo-but-is-now-fashionable act was pretty obvious, but what next? In some ways, it seems like the next big taboo is watersports. But that’s not really a sexy taboo necessarily. I mean sexy to some people, sure, but I just kind of can’t see New York Magazine running a coy article about the current vogue of sexual peeing among metropolitan couples.

Bondage and S&M stuff isn’t really shocking — I feel like most people have done some variation on tie me up and spank me. Hmm. Pegging? That would be only fair. Actually, though, I’m going to go with three-way. Not that nobody does that now. But I’m guessing that that will be the next naughty/acceptable trend in doin’ it. Especially the boy-boy-girl kind. 

Does making out with guys when I’m drunk make me gay? P.S. I’m a 28-year-old guy.

Nothing can make you gay, you just turn out that way. And it sounds like you probably have. But who knows, maybe you’re bi, or maybe you just like making out with dudes when you’re liquored up. Only you can know if you’re a closet case or just a tease. Maybe try fucking some guy and see if you like it. Or quit drinking and see if the urge to make out with boys remains. Or marry some chick you’re not all that attracted to, fuck her reluctantly, squeeze out a few kids, start doing a bunch of Craigslist guys on the side, then come out, get divorced, move into a groovy little condo and grow a mustache. It’s up to you, I guess. 


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