Am I a Prostitute?
by Audrey FerenceDear Audrey,
I've been dating an older man for about a year now. He's a wealthy businessman and travels a lot, so we don't see each other often. When we do, we have the best time — he takes me out to fancy restaurants, and our sex life is fantastic. He also takes me shopping and buys me whatever I want. My girlfriends say that I'm basically a prostitute, but I really care for the guy and feel like this is a relationship — how can I ask him if he's paying me for sex without making it seem like an accusation?
Uh, yeah. Prostitutes negotiate their fees up front. They are pros. You are but an amateur — at the very most, a kept woman. Frankly, though, do you care? It sounds like you both are having fun, and that you enjoy each other’s company. You said the sex is great — it’s not like you’re lying back and thinking of Hermès. Surely you have some sense of the way he feels about you.
If you’re happy with the arrangement, then go with it, until that ceases to be the case. I think you should tell your friends to shut up and go along your merry way.
Dear Audrey,
My wife is six months pregnant, and I couldn't be more excited that we're expecting — but there's one problem. Her hormones have kicked in and she really wants to have sex all the time. This would be great, but I just can't seem to get it up lately — I love my wife very much, and it's not like I'm afraid to poke the baby or anything, I'm just not attracted to her when she's pregnant. It's not like I can really tell her this. What should I do?
Ok look, nobody is going to like how I answer this question. There is no right answer. I’m saying that up front. Sorry pregnant ladies, sorry self-righteous dudes, sorry parenting in general.
On the one hand, sure, you can’t control whether you’re attracted to someone or not. Fair enough. Nobody on this planet can convince me that Angelina Jolie is hot. I just don’t see it. We all likes what we likes. On the other hand, this is you WIFE who you GOT PREGNANT with YOUR PENIS.
Not in the “Well you made your bed now you must lay in it and fuck your preggo wife” sense, but in the sense of if you like (love? hopefully?) someone enough to marry her and want to have children with her, children that you will presumably have to raise with her forever until you die, you must be attracted to something about her other than her washboard abs, no?
Perhaps you could spend some time focusing on those non-physical elements about her that you are attracted to, like for example her willingness to carry your child, her sense of humor, or her limited-time offer of a vagina not covered in sutures. Plus also, if I know pregnant ladies (and I do! at least two of them!) they have enormous tits. Don’t’cha like tits? Of course you do! We all do. Tits!
I mean, if you absolutely don’t feel right about it, then tell her you’re just not comfortable having sex while she’s pregnant and deal with the consequences. But seriously, sack up and fuck your wife. Come on. She’s not allowed to do anything fun: no booze, no smokes, no sushi, no needle drugs. She’s all huge and uncomfortable. Do something nice for her in the form of cunnilingus.
PS: not to freak you out or anything, but you know that many (most?) women’s bodies never go back to the same shape they were pre-pregnancy, right? It’s weird, but gestating an actual human and then squeezing it out your genitals is a somewhat traumatic to the body. Don’t be a dick about it.
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