People often ask me if I’m desensitized to sex. I get all huffy about the question and say no, but I might be. It’s not that I find sex boring, but around the twelfth time you say, “cock ring” to a stranger, the first word becomes as innocuous as the second.
I get my kicks elsewhere. The things that are forbidden to me at work are the things I find most titillating. Porn is not forbidden, I’ve watched porn with my boss on the sales floor. Fooling around with my coworker’s iPod touch is forbidden.
I have an iPhone boner. I have to wait until my contract with Sprint is up before I can get one and the anticipation is making the phone seem even sexier. At work I fantasize about what I’m going to do with that little beauty when I finally get my hands on it.
First, I’m going to gently — yeah oh-so-gently — pull the cardboard top off the box. Then I’m going to pull it out. I’m gonna relish the weight of it in my hand. It’s gonna take me to new heights. It’s gonna be good.
With sex-perverts like yours truly in mind, the good folks at MyPleasure have created the first “adult” app approved by Apple. It’s called MyVibe, and it turns your iPhone into a vibrator. I highly doubt that an iPhone can vibrate strong enough to make me orgasm, nor do I have any interest in pressing something to my vagina and then to my ear, but telling my friends that I have the app will be an excellent way to warn them off of touching my damn phone.
Sex drives technology, to quote the old saw. Almost from the second a new innovation goes public, someone figures out how to use it to achieve sex or produce images of sex. In some cases it even drives the market for the product. Sure, ultimately people started buying VCRs for non-prurient reasons, but for a lot of the very first people willing to invest in the new technology a big draw was the fact that they could watch saucy videos in the privacy of their own homes. Samesies with the internet. Porn, in large part, has shaped the modern web. Without it, who knows when either streaming content or the ability to monetize a website would’ve finally shown up?
The sex industry is always on the cutting edge of technology. We sell sex toys that vibrate with your cell phone ring or to the tunes coming out of your iPod. We sell an internet enabled vibrator designed to be used by one partner and remotely controlled by the other. One of our vibrators, the Lelo Mia, charges in your USB port.
RealTouch, the fine purveyors of virtual sex, sell a masturbation device that was supposedly designed by a former NASA engineer. You plug it into your USB, put your penis in it and the device, which is synched up with the porn playing on your computer, uses haptic technology to simulate real sex.
A 2007 sex study uncovered 237 emotional motivations behind the act, which if you ask me is just biochemical smoke screening ultimately designed to get us to procreate. Having children, like creating a work of art or maintaining a belief in a spiritual afterlife, all function as types of symbolic immortality.