I’ve got this friend and he has a problem. He really, really does not get it when women aren’t into him. I always knew he was a little pushy, but at a party the other night he wouldn’t leave one of my friends alone and she finally had to ask me to make him go away. The term she used was “definite date rapist.” He claims his “persistence” pays off, and doesn’t get that there might be issues. How do I get him to cut it out?
Ah geez. Don’t we all know some guy like that? And it’s so awful watching him pestering some lady, and essentially begging for a pity fuck? And most of the time he’s just sad, but sometimes he’s a little scary? There is, I think, a weirdly fine line between patheticness and aggressiveness, and it’s based around conflicting assumptions about who has the power in the situation. If your friend’s not a date rapist, which, let’s just say for argument’s sake he’s not, then I’m guessing he thinks of sex as a commodity that women possess, and that he wants. (And I’m not even going to get into what a fucked up sexual worldview that is, and how frighteningly common it is — what is wrong with people?) But ok, he sees that he wants this thing, sex, that women have and are keeping from him. And he thinks whatever it takes to get that thing — wheedling, being irritating, not taking no for an answer, possibly even at some point getting a little physical — are justified by the end result of getting sex. I’m not sure what people like that think women get out of the deal.
Doesn’t it seem like dudes in that mindset see money as the thing that women want that men possess, and that relationships are just a struggle for each side to get as much of what they want while giving up as little of what they have as possible? Anyway, so I think his ilk have this “anything to make the sale” attitude. But what he doesn’t realize is that for a woman who doesn’t share his worldview, for whom sex is a fun, awesome thing two (or more) people do with each other because they enjoy it and find each other attractive, who assume that even their casual sex partners are on their side and want pleasure for both parties and would be sad to know that they’d caused a partner to feel bad or regretful, his persistence is threatening. They perhaps see him as having the power in the relationship insofar as his ability to physically force them to do something, and view his unwillingness to accept rejection as an indication that he is prepared to use violence to get what he wants. Which sucks.
So, whew, long-winded and un-funny. Sorry. I think you’ve got a couple options. You could just explain that to him, and if he’s a good person, he’ll back off. You could stop hanging out with him, but that wouldn’t solve the problem for the world at large. You could ask your female friend to talk to him about what creeped her out, if she’s willing. I think that just hearing, “My friend thought you were a date rapist” should be a wake-up call, especially if he just sees himself as sort of a goofy underdog or something. I hope something works, because guys like that are scary and bad.
I really like coming on my partner. It’s sort of a game: she calls out a spot while we’re doing it, and I try and hit it. My question is, how do I improve my aim? In the heat of the moment, sometimes I have trouble hitting the mark.