Bi, Bi, Baby 

Dear Audrey, recently I mentioned to a new friend that I’m bi. She’d only ever known me to date men. Her reaction has been… weird. She’s in a serious relationship with a man and has started pestering me to have a threesome with them. I am not attracted to them at all. I’ve been politely telling her no, and she’s started taking it as an insult. She even said that if I didn’t want to sleep with her that meant I didn’t really like her. What? I don’t think she’s ever been with women, and I don’t think her and her boyfriend have an open relationship. On top of all this, I met her through a friend at work, and I don’t want this all over the office. I’m very uncomfortable—she texts every day about some aspect of my or her sex life. I’m not sure how to get my no across in a way that sticks, and I don’t want to lose my work friend. Have I violated some weird straight girl code or what? What should I do?

Ugghhhhh. This definitely has aspects of the whole “straight girls make out to turn on men” phenomenon, with a hearty dash of narcissistic insecurity. There are definitely people in the world who believe that all friends want to fuck each other, and that you would not be friends with someone you don’t find attractive.

You and I, I think, have similar outlooks, which is that you can recognize that a friend is beautiful, smart, attractive, etc. without actually being attracted to them. This woman’s behavior is completely inappropriate. She is treating you in a way that I can’t imagine she would tolerate a man treating her. That is, perhaps, a straight girl thing: thinking things that are blatantly uncool man-to-woman are fine woman-to-woman. Which, yeah, the cultural power structure is different, but it is still shitty and awful.

Don’t get me started on the people who think inviting an attractive woman into their hetero relationship’s bed is doing the lady a favor. Come on guys.

That is all to say that it sounds to me like this woman is a self-centered asshole, but I think she would be shocked to find out how rude her behavior actually is. I suspect she is very insecure and for whatever reason has decided sleeping with you will fix that. I think she probably thinks she is being charming and flirtatious, not inappropriate and aggressive.

Which unfortunately means if you were to make her understand how her actions made you feel, she would be embarrassed and probably lash out. You are certainly well within your rights to sit her down and explain to her what a dick she’s being, but if you want to preserve the relationship with your work friend, I would say the easiest course of action is to completely stop communication with her—don’t answer texts and don’t pick up the phone—and let your work friend vaguely know what is going on. Maybe she could speak to your unwanted suitor, since she knows her better. I get that that sounds like copping out, but honestly, I have dealt with a lot of these drama-oriented personalities and confrontation is something they flourish on. You’ll never ever walk away feeling better about your life. I’m sorry that you’re in this position. Hopefully this question will help some other straight girl out there learn how to act.

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