Children of the Corn Whiskey


The Phenomenon: Children in bars
The Bars: The Porch, Gowanus Yacht Club, Chuck E Cheese’s

I live in Fort Greene. Fort Greene is a place that has many wonderful things to recommend it: tree-lined boulevards, good train access, top-notch housing stock, and fancy eateries. Unfortunately, it has one glaring downside: it is absolutely infested with children. Children and babies. Everywhere. Sidewalks are chock-a-block with double-wide strollers, Target is a milling, waist-level sea of little heads, and the park is suffused with a liminal buzzing noise that is the aggregate of a hundred screeching kids. I’ve seen couples walking around with dad wearing a baby snuggly, mom pushing another in a stroller, a third walking their giant dog, and also the mom is pregnant. Which, fine,  though I personally detest children, I understand that Brooklyn is where rich people go to spawn, and by choosing to live there I am tacitly choosing to live a baby-dense lifestyle.

What I cannot live with, and what I really think from a legal standpoint I shouldn’t be asked to live with, is babies in bars. It’s a bar, people! Get a fucking babysitter! And it’s not just Brooklyn, either. The other day I went to have a Sunday afternoon beer at the Porch (7th St. and C) and found myself in the middle of a baby shower. Grownups were boozing it up and showering the mom-to-be while a pack of children roamed unsupervised through the bar. I was taken aback — but it was a Sunday afternoon, after all, and I suppose it’s considered rude to ban children at a baby shower since the preggo chick’ll be dragging her bundle of joy to everyone else’s parties in the near future. Little did I realize this wasn’t an isolated occurrence. The next week I was unable to reach the counter at the liquor store because it was being blocked by strollers. I noticed a lady bouncing a child on her knees while drinking wine at a sidewalk café bar. Finally, yesterday, the last straw: I saw a woman at the Gowanus Yacht Club breastfeeding her baby. Breastfeeding among the Pabst! I know that shit’s natural and I’ve got no beef with nursing in public, but Jesus fucking Christ, BARS ARE NOT FOR BABIES!

There is only one thing to do: take over the Chuck E. Cheese’s. They serve beer there, you know. Children of the world, hear me: skee ball will never be safe again.


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