Cleanliness Is Next to Horniness
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
Whenever I give a blowjob, my face ends up all messy. I try to kinda porno it up, but I end up with spit on my face and hair and everything. I mean, I get the sense that people like them, but what are my options in terms of cleanup, given that I feel weird showering at someone’s house unless I know them really well?
A true lady never goes anywhere without a wet wipe and a hair band, just in case she is required to give an unexpected blowjob to a virtual stranger. Or at least that’s what I learned in cotillion. I dunno, though, man, sex is a pretty messy endeavor. A dude’s face gets all glooped up if he goes down on you, right? And I assume you don’t really care, right?
I definitely think a ponytail is helpful, because I know exactly what you mean with the hair thing, and that’s just annoying. Otherwise, the covert face wipe on the sheet is fine, unless the person you’re fucking is like some kind of hygiene weirdo about their bedclothes.
In general it seems like both partners should just suck it up (zing!), wipe what you can on other parts of your body and let the rest dry until you can wash your face in the bathroom. It’s just spit and jizz. It ain’t going to kill anybody.
Dear Audrey,
If it’s legal for women to be topless in New York, how come you never see any ladies walking around without their shirts on? That seems like it would be awesome.
I have my suspicions why not, but I figured I’d print this anyway. I mean it’s not like you see that many dudes walking around topless. Obviously the weather lately is probably a bit of a deterrent, but even so, New York has never struck me as the kind of town where you have to have a sign explaining to people that they to wear shirts and shoes to be allowed to eat at Bennigan’s.
Honestly, though? I bet if chicks started walking around with their boobs all on display you’d get tired of it pretty quickly. Not “put your shirt back on” tired but just “meh” tired. Like, remember how at first when it became fashionable to replace pants or a skirt with tights only, it was very sexy? And you said to yourself, “Oh my goodness, that young lady is not wearing pants and I can completely see her crotch”? And now it’s just like, “Crotch, crotch, crotch. I wonder what kind of samples they have today at Whole Foods.” Also how European people go to nude beaches and don’t get boners.
Anyway, my point is two-fold. One: if nobody wore shirts, boobs would eventually get boring. Or at least less exciting. And two: ladies, “flex your rights” this summer by going topless, if you want to make this guy happy. And probably lots of other guys. Wear sunscreen.
Dear Audrey,
What’s the world record for masturbating? Is there one?
Indeed there is. It was set at the Masturbate-a-Thon, held in San Francisco and London as a fundraiser. The most orgasms in a 24-hour period is 26 for women and 6 for men. The longest a lady has masturbated total was 6 ½ hours, and the longest a man has was 8 ½ hours. Holy cow, folks! That’s some serious wanking!
I advise anyone interested in making history to start training immediately, because you will clearly need to be in top physical and mental shape to take the record. To the lotion emporium!
Whenever I give a blowjob, my face ends up all messy. I try to kinda porno it up, but I end up with spit on my face and hair and everything. I mean, I get the sense that people like them, but what are my options in terms of cleanup, given that I feel weird showering at someone’s house unless I know them really well?
A true lady never goes anywhere without a wet wipe and a hair band, just in case she is required to give an unexpected blowjob to a virtual stranger. Or at least that’s what I learned in cotillion. I dunno, though, man, sex is a pretty messy endeavor. A dude’s face gets all glooped up if he goes down on you, right? And I assume you don’t really care, right?
I definitely think a ponytail is helpful, because I know exactly what you mean with the hair thing, and that’s just annoying. Otherwise, the covert face wipe on the sheet is fine, unless the person you’re fucking is like some kind of hygiene weirdo about their bedclothes.
In general it seems like both partners should just suck it up (zing!), wipe what you can on other parts of your body and let the rest dry until you can wash your face in the bathroom. It’s just spit and jizz. It ain’t going to kill anybody.
Dear Audrey,
If it’s legal for women to be topless in New York, how come you never see any ladies walking around without their shirts on? That seems like it would be awesome.
I have my suspicions why not, but I figured I’d print this anyway. I mean it’s not like you see that many dudes walking around topless. Obviously the weather lately is probably a bit of a deterrent, but even so, New York has never struck me as the kind of town where you have to have a sign explaining to people that they to wear shirts and shoes to be allowed to eat at Bennigan’s.
Honestly, though? I bet if chicks started walking around with their boobs all on display you’d get tired of it pretty quickly. Not “put your shirt back on” tired but just “meh” tired. Like, remember how at first when it became fashionable to replace pants or a skirt with tights only, it was very sexy? And you said to yourself, “Oh my goodness, that young lady is not wearing pants and I can completely see her crotch”? And now it’s just like, “Crotch, crotch, crotch. I wonder what kind of samples they have today at Whole Foods.” Also how European people go to nude beaches and don’t get boners.
Anyway, my point is two-fold. One: if nobody wore shirts, boobs would eventually get boring. Or at least less exciting. And two: ladies, “flex your rights” this summer by going topless, if you want to make this guy happy. And probably lots of other guys. Wear sunscreen.
Dear Audrey,
What’s the world record for masturbating? Is there one?
Indeed there is. It was set at the Masturbate-a-Thon, held in San Francisco and London as a fundraiser. The most orgasms in a 24-hour period is 26 for women and 6 for men. The longest a lady has masturbated total was 6 ½ hours, and the longest a man has was 8 ½ hours. Holy cow, folks! That’s some serious wanking!
I advise anyone interested in making history to start training immediately, because you will clearly need to be in top physical and mental shape to take the record. To the lotion emporium!
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