Crooked Dick, Crooked Dick
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
I have a mega-bad gag reflex. Seriously, I’ve almost thrown up on people when I’m blowing them. How do I fix it?
Well, I would’ve said get thee to a glory hole tout de suite — I figured enough practice would dull the reflex eventually. Plus, in a glory hole situation, nobody sees you throw up on yourself. Apparently, though, I would have been wrong. In consultation with a source who has a similar problem with his partner, let’s call her — get ready for the hilarity — Shallow Throat — I have learned that it’s all about positioning.
He discovered that while the on-the-knees position and blower-kneeling-atop-blowee position did not, in his words, “Get that much dick in her mouth,” that if his partner lay down and he straddled her face, she could handle “at least 400 percent more.” I cannot guarantee that your results will be that spectacular — I wonder how many of us have that much remaining dick, even with the gaggiest partner — but I do tend to trust reports from the field.
For another possibly-helpful real world data point, I live with someone who, though he has limited blowjob experience, often gags to the point of throwing up on his toothbrush in the morning. And from watching him, I have learned that once you start gagging — once you’ve activated that throat reflex — you’re going to gag much more easily for a little while. So it seems like once you gag, maybe do something else for a bit and then try again later.
And yes, I’ve seen in pornos how when a dude or lady gags, the other dude just shoves his dick farther down the person’s throat and tells them to “take it, bitch,” but that seems like a more advanced maneuver that maybe requires some special training.
Dear Audrey,
I’m a virgin, but I’m thinking about doing it with my boyfriend this summer. I heard that whatever is around you when you lose it can impact what gets you turned on the whole rest of your life. Is that true? I don’t want to accidentally program myself to be attracted to something stupid.
Were this true, things would get mega-scary whenever Slippery When Wet or nearly anything from the Boyz II Men catalog came on. Fortunately, I am pretty sure this is bullshit. While standbys like liquor, naked bodies, and people’s parents’ couches often appear in deflowering and remain sex-inducing throughout entire lives, I don’t think that specifics get burned into the libido or anything. At least speaking from personal experience, I find this to be almost the opposite of true.
Dear Audrey,
I have a crooked dick. Sort of a dogleg mid-shaft. I used to be really embarrassed about it. I’ve gotten over it, but I worry that when I get with someone for the first time, it makes them uncomfortable to bring it up, but maybe it hurts them. How do I sort that out?
I’d do it like this:
YOU: As you’ve noticed, my dick is crooked. If you want to switch around positions, let me know. Some people find it uncomfortable.
HIM/HER: Ok.
YOU: Fucketa fucketa fucketa.
HIM/HER: Ooh baby! Splooge/girl splooge!
YOU: Splooge!
TOGETHER: Yay!
Fin.
You’re welcome.
I have a mega-bad gag reflex. Seriously, I’ve almost thrown up on people when I’m blowing them. How do I fix it?
Well, I would’ve said get thee to a glory hole tout de suite — I figured enough practice would dull the reflex eventually. Plus, in a glory hole situation, nobody sees you throw up on yourself. Apparently, though, I would have been wrong. In consultation with a source who has a similar problem with his partner, let’s call her — get ready for the hilarity — Shallow Throat — I have learned that it’s all about positioning.
He discovered that while the on-the-knees position and blower-kneeling-atop-blowee position did not, in his words, “Get that much dick in her mouth,” that if his partner lay down and he straddled her face, she could handle “at least 400 percent more.” I cannot guarantee that your results will be that spectacular — I wonder how many of us have that much remaining dick, even with the gaggiest partner — but I do tend to trust reports from the field.
For another possibly-helpful real world data point, I live with someone who, though he has limited blowjob experience, often gags to the point of throwing up on his toothbrush in the morning. And from watching him, I have learned that once you start gagging — once you’ve activated that throat reflex — you’re going to gag much more easily for a little while. So it seems like once you gag, maybe do something else for a bit and then try again later.
And yes, I’ve seen in pornos how when a dude or lady gags, the other dude just shoves his dick farther down the person’s throat and tells them to “take it, bitch,” but that seems like a more advanced maneuver that maybe requires some special training.
Dear Audrey,
I’m a virgin, but I’m thinking about doing it with my boyfriend this summer. I heard that whatever is around you when you lose it can impact what gets you turned on the whole rest of your life. Is that true? I don’t want to accidentally program myself to be attracted to something stupid.
Were this true, things would get mega-scary whenever Slippery When Wet or nearly anything from the Boyz II Men catalog came on. Fortunately, I am pretty sure this is bullshit. While standbys like liquor, naked bodies, and people’s parents’ couches often appear in deflowering and remain sex-inducing throughout entire lives, I don’t think that specifics get burned into the libido or anything. At least speaking from personal experience, I find this to be almost the opposite of true.
Dear Audrey,
I have a crooked dick. Sort of a dogleg mid-shaft. I used to be really embarrassed about it. I’ve gotten over it, but I worry that when I get with someone for the first time, it makes them uncomfortable to bring it up, but maybe it hurts them. How do I sort that out?
I’d do it like this:
YOU: As you’ve noticed, my dick is crooked. If you want to switch around positions, let me know. Some people find it uncomfortable.
HIM/HER: Ok.
YOU: Fucketa fucketa fucketa.
HIM/HER: Ooh baby! Splooge/girl splooge!
YOU: Splooge!
TOGETHER: Yay!
Fin.
You’re welcome.
People who saved…
