Dick Cheney Needs More Ass-Play
by L.B. Wilkenson
This week, everyone’s been talking about Dick Cheney’s inability to keep his fat mouth shut; and I can’t help but look at the overcrowded blogosphere, abuzz over “Chatty Cheney’s” revisionist histrionics and think, “me too!”
Pretty much everyone (despite what Liz Cheney says) wants ol’ Dick to button his lips. The left, for obvious reasons*, has had it with him, and much of the right thinks his paranoid conspiracy theories are going to give the GOP a black eye.
So I ask, 'Why so loquacious, Dick, after so many years of keeping all your business on the DL?' Is it because you want to avoid going down in the history books as a monster? I understand that defending the nation is a dirty job, and that someone has to do it. But trying to convince us that torture is just the price you have to pay for freedom... Well, I’m not buying it. I think there's something missing from your life, Dick, and I have a little advice on how you can fill the void.
My stock and trade is orifice filling and I’m a professional. You tell me which holes you’re looking to stuff and I’ll tell you what’ll get the job done. Customers come in rude and tense and leave pleased-as-punch with a black plastic bag slung around their arm. Really, you’d be surprised by how often a good hole filling is the solution to antisocial behavior.
And so I’m telling you, that in my professional opinion, you, Mr. Dick Cheney, need to get a hole stuffed.
Did you know that some men can orgasm purely through prostate stimulation? Yes, I’m saying it’s possible for a man to have an orgasm without ever touching his penis. Men have an unbelievable number of nerve endings in their asses, so it’s really a tragedy that so many dudes are afraid of prostate play.
It’s fair if you think it’s weird that I consider an unwillingness to go ass-spelunking a tragedy. But this is America after all. And we are talking about keeping freedom free, aren’t we?
The Aneros is, in my opinion, the best prostate massager on the market. But it takes some practice to develop the anal control needed to really make the toy effective and to allow the user to achieve the much sought after, Super-O.
The manufacturers of the Aneros claim that their prostate massagers can help alleviate erectile dysfunction in older men. I have no decorum, so of course I must suggest that Cheney has spent so much time exercising power in certain aspects of his life, because he’s feeling impotent in others. I’m not saying for sure that his (apparently enormous) dick doesn’t work. I’m just saying that according to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Disorders, around 15-25% of men Cheney’s age suffer from ED. I’m just talking numbers.
Dick Cheney’s age, by the way, is sixty-eight. One in fifteen men in that age group will be diagnosed with prostate cancer, but regular prostate massage can decrease that risk. Granted, when Cheney goes, it’ll likely be because of his cold, black heart. But still. How many things feel good and are good for you?
A lot of straight men are afraid of liking a little backdoor action, because they’re terrified it means they’re secretly gay. That’s a pretty homophobic viewpoint to maintain, but for those who are worried, I will say unequivocally that Dick Cheney going to town on himself with a prostate massager would not be gay.
People on both sides of the political spectrum just want Cheney to shut up. And shut up he would, if he focused more energy on his prostate and less on pressing a steel-toed boot against humanity’s throat.
So, pack it up, Dick Cheney. And then, you know, pack it in.
*Shooting a grandpa in the face was one of the least evil things he did while in office.
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