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Join a Gym
Exercise is necessary for working off all that home-brewed beer you drink because you are a depressed, unemployed loser. But gym memberships are expensive! Well, your grandfather never paid anyone to make him sweat, did he? Take your treadmill workout to the waterfront: many of the city's coastal parklands offer jogging space, like the East River Park's running track. You'll feel better in the sunshine as well as help to save the environment&emdash;which'll make you feel doubly good&emdash;because you won't be using the gobs of electricity sucked up by a stationary treadmill. Use the children's monkey bars as a pull-up station. [It's illegal for an adult to enter a playground without a child Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Legal Dpt.] Use children as dumb bells. Just don't wear a tan trench coat with nothing but running shorts on underneath, k?
Visit a Doctor
After treating the sprained ankle you got running along the East River Track while hungover on homebrew, you might also need to get your liver checked out&emdash;or, even better, replaced. But health insurance was the first thing that went when the paychecks stopped being deposited directly, wasn't it? Dr. Dave Ores doesn't do transplants at his clinic on the Lower East Side, but he'll be the voice of reason to tell you to cut back on your drinking. And he won't sick a collection agency on you if you don't pay him right away (or, ever).
Pay Your Rent
Remember when Isaac Davis quit his job and had to give up his awesome duplex? That's like you, times a million. Now, think about it: Why are you paying rent at all? According to a little research into New York City housing law (note: here's where we earn your trust, right?), it's perfectly legal to squat, as long as it's first perfectly il-legal to rent. That's right: find a building zoned for commercial-use-only that a landlord has deemed a dwelling by inscrutable slumlord decree, fake your pay stubs, move in, pay rent for the first month, then stop. Because your new domicile wasn't zoned for housing in the first place, the landlord will worry more about getting in trouble trying to evict you than he'll miss your unpaid rent. (Either that, or he'll assassinate you.) Try it out; you can't use the work ID to which you hung on to sneak into the old office at night for a nap on the couch forever&emdash;if the cleaning ladies don't rat you out, the security guards will.
Rent a Movie
You don't even need Netflix anymore, dude! The New York Public Library has an interlibrary loan system that will get not only books&emdash;sayonara, Amazon!&emdash;but DVDs sent from any library in the city to the one closest to your home. (Walking there will give you something to do!) And you can fill out the request forms on the internet&emdash;a wireless connection, which of course, you're stealing from your neighbors.
Check Out the ofers Exhibition at MoMA
Feeling left out of the cultural clutter of NYC because you can't afford to shell out the necessary bucks to get a first hand look at the bizarre world of Tim Burton? Don't feel bad&emdash;even the employed can hardly afford to visit MoMA. But fear not! That exhibit is so overhyped! Oh, and there are alternatives. Forbes offers free tours of its tiny metal toy galleries in the headquarters basement and a gratis glimpse into the insanity of Tiny Metal Americana, which includes tiny metal boats, tiny metal soldiers, and "obscure" tiny metal editions of Monopoly.