Do As I Say and Do Me 

Dear Audrey,
My husband and I were high school sweethearts who practiced abstinence until we got married, which is something I highly recommend to any woman out there. But I never understood the “wow factor” until after a few shots and a triple dare at my best friend’s bachelorette party.  I woke up with a complete stranger and had learned the meaning of WOW.  Since then I have had a few other liaisons and have come to realize that some men really know how to pleasure a woman in bed. I want my husband to be one of them. When and where do men learn this? Are there any classes out there you can recommend? 

Oh my. I love that. True Love Waits, then True Love gets hammered at a bachelorette party and fucks some complete stranger. I’m not trying to judge; I mean, I haven’t lived your life, and I think we can all agree that it’s a ridiculous idea to turn down a triple dare. In terms of your questions, I suspect a lot of men learn to pleasure a woman at a class called “Having Sex With More Than One Person In Your Entire Life.”

Anyway, whatever. Here we are. You, if you are not a made-up question by a person being silly, are trying to find a way to make your husband better in bed. This is a good thing. Mazel tov. I know that Toys in Babeland runs classes called “How to Please Your Woman” and “How to Please Your Man” on a semi-regular basis. Though I haven’t personally attended, they are reasonably priced, and Babeland in general is a quality organization. You might also try talking to a sex therapist — he or she might have some suggestions for how to get things on track for you guys. I know there are tons of Tantric sex getaway weekends and things, if you’re looking for something with a mystical bent. It isn’t clear to me from your letter whether or not your husband is aware/ok with your extramarital partners, but if that’s something you guys are into, you might try looking around for swingers groups. I know there’s a bunch of different options depending on your age and your interests. I think they even have cons.

Easiest and most immediately, you should probably sit a moment and think about exactly what moves those other dudes had that you liked, and next time you and your husband go at it, tell him to do them. This is generally how most men in the wild have figured out how to pleasure their partners. Years of various ladies telling them what to do, combined with careful observation of what’s working and not working.

Dear Audrey,
When directing someone in the bedroom, what’s the line between sexy and bossy?

You know, I think it’s mostly about tone. I think if you can avoid the whiny/exasperated tonal spectrum, and as long as you’re polite about it, you’re probably fine. Like, if someone is doing something that is completely not working for you, imagine using the tone of voice a nice person would use to send back an entrée that was incorrectly cooked. If you are trying to coax someone into doing something new to you, approach them like you’re asking them to cat sit or if you can borrow their car, only it is a sex cat or car. If only a minor adjustment is necessary, breathe heavily and moan the request huskily.

Be kind and don’t scold, and make sure to thank someone (not just verbally, but with sex acts, wink wink) for a job well done. Ultimately, presumably, your partner wants to pleasure you, so direction is welcome. It is important that you be willing to take direction as well. Ideally, we’re all approaching sex with an excited open mind, hoping to fuck the best we can fuck.


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