Doggy-Style and the Legend of Graypubes 


Dear Audrey,
I have gray pubes (I’m a guy, btw). This is a recent thing and I really hate it. I’m in my early thirties, and my hair’s not really that gray (and no, I’m not bald), but for some reason, my crotch looks like an old-man crotch. What should I do? Are people going to think I dye my head hair?


I personally think it will make your dick look distinguished. You will have the Anderson Cooper of wieners. But whatever, I hear you, getting old is weird. When I was 23 and I hung out with people who were like 28 or 30 and they talked about how they were old and they hated it, I always thought “What the fuck? The only thing old about you is the fact that you keep talking about being old. Sack up, late-twenty-early-thirty-somethings.”

But now that I’m the age that they were, and my friends run the spread from mid twenties to early middle age — which, no, isn’t old — I kinda see what they were talking about. Like it seems crazy that you could have gray hairs or wrinkles or anything, yet there they are. So while obviously the sensible thing to say is “Who cares what color your bush is, by the time anyone’s down there looking at it it’ll be too late to matter” — I understand the need to irrationally beat back the signs of aging that you feel are unfair.

They make pubic hair dye. I’ve seen it at Ricky’s and it’s marketed for chicks, but it would probably work. I don’t think there’s a Grecian Crotch Formula for Men but it’s a little ridiculous to gender pube dye anyway, right? Or you could wax that shit right off. It doesn’t hurt as much as people act like it does, trust me. Though that would further expose how wrinkly your old man ball sack is. I dunno if you’re sensitive about that. I would advise against going the merkin route.

Any of those options are going to be a lot of work just for lustrous, virile-looking short and curlies, but if it bothers you that much, go for it. Happy crotch makeover, grandpa.

Dear Audrey,
Sometimes doing it doggy-style hurts. I don’t think my boyfriend and I are doing anything weird — it’s a pretty self-explanatory position. What should I do?


Well, you could stop fucking doggy-style. If that’s not really on the table, you probably just need to do some careful repositioning. First let me say that pain during sex could maybe, possibly be an indication of something amiss with your inside parts, so make sure you ask your gyno about it next time, just in case.

But actually, it’s not that weird. Doggy-style is famous for deep penetration, right? Which is why, for example, in pornos you just see the dude jackhammering it from behind. So if a guy has a small dick or a girl has a long vaginal cavity, well, awesome. But for folks with parts that skew in the other direction, the dick can bump up against the cervix and that can hurt. Or, and maybe this is TMI, it can give you this weird sensation like you have to poop. Don’t ask me how I know.

The solution is to just kind of re-arrange yourselves. Either lay down lower or prop yourself up higher to change the angle so that the guy’s wee wee is bumping up against something more pleasurable, or at least less painful. Also try going slower. I know everyone wants to try it like they see in the movies, but for some people that’s just not going to work right away.

Any position where you get really deep dickin’ can hurt like that, and the fix is always pretty much the same. Even little adjustments can make a big difference, so don’t be afraid to fuck around with it. So to speak.

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