Doll Voyeurs? ChatBack! 

Dear Audrey,
I’ve been dating this girl for a little while. Everything’s going fine and everything, she’s cool and we get along, but I have an issue: her room creeps me out. Sex is good at my place, but her room has all kinds of dolls and stuffed animals and little-kid stuff in it, and it just creeps me the fuck out. What should I do?


There was a time when I was younger and more assholish that I would’ve told you to quit dating chicks with creepy little-girl rooms because hello, daddy issues. However, now I’m older and wiser and have met otherwise very nice women who, for whatever reason, possess unsettling amounts of stuffed animals/Amanda Bynes DVDs/Friends posters/dolls with dead, dead eyes.

The way I see it, you pretty much just have to suck it up if you want to keep dating her. Maybe some time in the future if you guys are like, in love, you could casually say, “Hey lovebug, did you ever notice how your choice in home décor makes me feel like a pedophile?”

Perhaps you could subtly condition her to enjoy going to your apartment more, like by having good snacks around or buying a Wii. Or maybe you could force yourself not to notice that stuff? Somehow? I don’t know, man. Good luck. Nobody wants to have to sustain an erection in a JonBenet factory. Just don’t go the route of “mentally make it into a sexy game sort of like wearing a schoolgirl outfit,” because that just seems like a bad idea.

Ok everybody, time for the part of the column where we publish reader letters. You can pretend it has some kind of name like Readers Respond or ChatBack! or something, if you want. You don’t have to though. Maybe it’s better if you don’t.

Re: Dude Pubes
A sensitively-tongued young lady finds my bush-grooming stance too lax:

Dear Audrey, no!
In your last column, you wrote that “regular cleaning [of the pubes, etc.] is still the only real requirement for dudes.” This may be a matter of personal preference, but I still ask that you use your status to encourage the menfolk to groom and trim down there. Women go through a lot of grief and complicated hair removal procedures to make their bush pleasing and I think we should be able to expect similar consideration from the dudes. My mouth goes down there, after all, my tongue, and I am not huge into enveloping my nose in manbush. Personally, I think trimming suffices. Just keep the pouf at bay. It makes blow j’s more enjoyable and I’m more likely to go after the balls if they aren’t all fuzzy.


Re: Pavlov’s Horndog
Maybe the place you lose your virginity does remain with you for the rest of your sex life:

Dear Audrey,
In the Fall Fashion issue of  The L Magazine a girl asked, “When I have sex for the first time, will the place affect what turns me on?” You said no, but I don’t agree. I lost my virginity to my “boyfriend” in a bathroom and now everytime I wanna have sex I always suggest or think about boinking in one.... hmm? I’ve talked about this with a couple of my friends and they’ve had the same experience. I dunno, I wouldn’t say it turns me on now but it’s mos def a place I wanna climax at... Thanks for listening...


There you have it. Mea culpa, reader. I suppose the lesson we can all take away from this is don’t lose your virginity in a bathroom? Unless you really like bathrooms? The rainbow of human sexuality is magical, people. Never forget it.

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