Don’t Be a Boob 


Dear Audrey,
I’m a big-titted woman. Men seem to like that about me, which is fine, but I’m getting tired of being the girl they do all the big boob stuff with. Like, I do enjoy having my breasts played with, and titty fucking is fine, but dudes have to realize they’re more excited about my boobs than I am, right? I’d appreciate some attention elsewhere. How do I communicate this without being a dick about it?

It’s so funny you ask, because my (big-boobed) friend and I were just talking about titty fucking the other day and realized we were of the same mind about it. I think many ladies are. It’s one of those things that seems like it’s going to be a lot more fun than it is. At first it sounds sexy, right? Like “oh yeah, fuck those titties!” But then you end up just kind of lying there while a guy goes to town on you. Even for people with very sensitive tits, the space in between them isn’t really the part that’s exciting to have rubbed.

Mostly you’re just hanging out, squeezing your boobs together and wondering whether this guy is going to be polite enough to give some warning before blowing his load directly into your face. So first off, I’d like to make sure the straight guy community understands that titty fucking should be filed under “things your partner is doing to please you, so be sure to reciprocate” rather than “givin’ it to her extra good.”

Further, my friend would like you to know that she understands your frustration. It is funny to what extent people think they are the first person to ever notice something extremely obvious. “Hey,” some guy at the bar thinks, “I wonder if that girl with the E cups over there knows it would be fun to play with her boobs? She probably doesn’t! I am going to show her the time of her life tonight!” Like when Christina Hendricks was single, I imagine she spent a lot of time thinking, “I’m glad you’re having fun up there but what I would really like is to have my pussy licked.”

Unfortunately, I don’t know that there is much you can do about it, aside from politely making your position known. And even more unfortunately, a lot of people will not be sympathetic to it, if my busty friend’s experience is at all typical. The thinking almost seems to be that you shouldn’t’ve grown such great tits if you didn’t want people playing with them all the time. Either that or that this is their only chance to interact with such enormous fun bags, and they aren’t going to give it up just because the person attached to them is sort of over it.

Obviously, step one for fixing this situation is to find some more expert lovers. But you don’t know what you’ve got, lover-wise, until it’s too late, at least the first time. So the first time you just have to take a page out of the great imaginary Christina Hendricks’s playbook and say something like, “I’m glad you’re having fun up there but what I would really like is to have my pussy licked.” That’s not being a dick. That’s helping someone else not to be a dick. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like a dick for asking for what you want. Especially not with a rack as great as yours.

Illustration by Mike Force

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