Many of life’s great cause-effect relationships are so universal that you can take them for granted — well, at least I can because of my formidable smartitude, but I’ll explain them to you thanks to my incandescent magnanimity.
For example: socially acceptable shoes will always be sadistically uncomfortable; thus, your coworkers will always be horrible bitches no matter what you do. Additionally (or, perhaps as a direct result of brilliant deductions like the one I just shared): it’s only a matter of time before my talents and charisma propel me to a deserved position of world omnipotence. I realize this is difficult for you to comprehend, but perhaps those uncomfortable shoes are ruining your concentration. So take them off and bathe your toes in my New World Order. Behold: my Enemies List, the only important aspect any New World Order has. Keep in mind this is a work in progress that depends entirely on your comportment while reading it.
ENEMY # 1. Undergraduate girls, both those who have and those who have not yet “gone wild.” There are many perks to living sequestered in academia. For example, I only own two pairs of pants, but because said pants were manufactured after 1997, I am regarded as the undisputed Gwen Stefani of the ivory tower (well, that and my midriff, which I enjoy showing to people all day long, not because it is particularly toned, but because its pallor can actually blind other human beings, making them susceptible to the machinations of my New World Order). In addition, it is not uncommon to be lounging with my gentleman caller, only to have him ask if I have an etymological dictionary handy, which of course I keep in reach of the bed, thus providing a lovely chortle about our mutual intellectual dominance ‘twixt sweet makeout sessions. However, there is one flaw in my otherwise mesmerizing existence: the constantly shifting army of nubile coeds, ready to have a topless sit-up contest at any point and ruin my life!
You’d think I’d have a soft spot for undergraduate girls, having been one myself back when Windows 95 roamed the Earth. But that just makes me hate them more, because if there’s one person I hate more than all people in the entire universe, it’s myself as an undergraduate, with my naïve proclamations about existentialism and my damnable jiggle-less legs. And don’t try to comfort me with the fact that most undergraduate girls are stupid — I myself was stupid, and that didn’t stop me from mesmerizing every man who came into my path with my smooth forehead and my obsession with The Myth of Sisyphus!!!
I’m just going to get older and older, and undergraduate girls are going to be 18-21 until the end of time, and their breasts will never sag and their thighs will never develop creative shapes, because they will always graduate and be replaced by even younger, hotter undergraduate girls while I just grow one year closer to a Rascal scooter and dentures. Pretty soon it’ll just be me and my etymological dictionary; meanwhile, my gentleman caller will be frolicking about on Girls Gone Wild Island, watching bunch of Tri-Delts wrestle each other on a bouncey-bounce.
And that’s my Enemies List. You might scoff that it only consists of one thing, but if you don’t recognize the threat of undergraduate girls, this means one of two things: that you are an undergraduate girl (in which case, hands off my man and my etymological dictionary!), or you are a man powerless to the undergraduate girl’s charm, in which case it’s not your fault; they’re much more powerful than you. And they’re much more powerful than me, too, and that’s why they are Enemy #1 of my New World Order, and when I ascend to omnipotence, they will be eliminated!!!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have got to go take off these shoes.
Ms. Schuman can be reached for comment and life coaching at email@example.com.