Erotic Philology 101
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
I was walking past the Museum of Sex with my girlfriend and two friends of ours, and there was a sign out front with a bunch of sex acts on it. One of them was “shrimping.” My girlfriend was like “What’s that?” and both me and my buddy pretended not to know what it was cause we didn’t want to explain it to her. Later, when we were laughing about it, it came out that we both thought it was something different. He thought it was toe-sucking, and I thought it was like felching but with a bendy straw. Who is right?
The unimpeachable source for answers to questions like that, Urban Dictionary, seems to be split right down the middle. I’d always thought you were right, but it’s not something I’d previously given much thought to, post-sixth-grade. I can see both sides: on the one hand, toes do kind of look like shrimp, and what are the odds that the Museum of Sex would list a fictitious sex act along with (presumably) a bunch of real ones? On the other hand, the bendy straw kind of looks like a shrimp’s carapace, and why would you need some sort of euphemistic word for sucking someone’s toe? In many states, that is not even legally a type of fucking. The real question to me is, why are you pretending not to know what sex stuff is to your girlfriend? In conclusion, I decree that shrimping is heretofore the “biannual” of sex acts, encompassing two meanings that can (hopefully, but often hilariously not) be distinguished by context.
Audrey,
Occasionally I enjoy walking across the street to my local Korean “Day Spa”. For about $65 plus tip I get a table shower, halfway decent massage and a hand job (stress relief). I recently read that by doing this I am putting myself at risk for STD’s. I actually cannot see how I am unless the masseuse has a hang nail. If there are risks, what precautions should I take?
Ha ha, an STD from a hand job, wouldn’t that just be a kick in the nuts? But good on you for striving to practice safe sex. Gold star, buddy. My exhaustive internet research has revealed to me that barring some sort of catastrophic simultaneous injury (double stabbing during beat-off, always a possibility), your chances of getting an STD from a hand job are essentially nil. I mean, who knows, maybe the masseuse is dipping her hand in a vat of pure AIDS before every HJ and surreptitiously nicking your wiener or something, but I wouldn’t worry about it. You are much more likely to get a regular old TD from some other dude’s stank feet on the floor or her sneezing on you, I think. But if it puts your mind at ease — as the sex ed folks stress, THE ONLY RISK-FREE SEX ACT IS NOT TO HAVE SEX EVER — slap a condom on you or a glove on her. Or both. Squeak squeak squeak!
Etymology Funtime Corner: Readers Talkback!
Now it is my turn to have a question for you. So, as any reader of lad mags or dude-targeted email newsletters knows, “chesticles” is a frat-forward way of saying boobs or whatever. Fine. But it occurred to me recently that the only way “chesticles” makes sense as a word is as a portmanteau of “chest” and “testicles.” Is that really what they are trying to evoke? The similarity between a lady’s fun bags and their own? That doesn’t seem right. The mental image that summons for me is horrific, and not at all like the greased up, bewifebeatered Jessica Alba that they are using it to describe. Does anyone have a better explanation for what’s up with the word “chesticles”? Drop me a line. I would like to scrub my brain clean of any chest/testicle connection. •
I was walking past the Museum of Sex with my girlfriend and two friends of ours, and there was a sign out front with a bunch of sex acts on it. One of them was “shrimping.” My girlfriend was like “What’s that?” and both me and my buddy pretended not to know what it was cause we didn’t want to explain it to her. Later, when we were laughing about it, it came out that we both thought it was something different. He thought it was toe-sucking, and I thought it was like felching but with a bendy straw. Who is right?
The unimpeachable source for answers to questions like that, Urban Dictionary, seems to be split right down the middle. I’d always thought you were right, but it’s not something I’d previously given much thought to, post-sixth-grade. I can see both sides: on the one hand, toes do kind of look like shrimp, and what are the odds that the Museum of Sex would list a fictitious sex act along with (presumably) a bunch of real ones? On the other hand, the bendy straw kind of looks like a shrimp’s carapace, and why would you need some sort of euphemistic word for sucking someone’s toe? In many states, that is not even legally a type of fucking. The real question to me is, why are you pretending not to know what sex stuff is to your girlfriend? In conclusion, I decree that shrimping is heretofore the “biannual” of sex acts, encompassing two meanings that can (hopefully, but often hilariously not) be distinguished by context.
Audrey,
Occasionally I enjoy walking across the street to my local Korean “Day Spa”. For about $65 plus tip I get a table shower, halfway decent massage and a hand job (stress relief). I recently read that by doing this I am putting myself at risk for STD’s. I actually cannot see how I am unless the masseuse has a hang nail. If there are risks, what precautions should I take?
Ha ha, an STD from a hand job, wouldn’t that just be a kick in the nuts? But good on you for striving to practice safe sex. Gold star, buddy. My exhaustive internet research has revealed to me that barring some sort of catastrophic simultaneous injury (double stabbing during beat-off, always a possibility), your chances of getting an STD from a hand job are essentially nil. I mean, who knows, maybe the masseuse is dipping her hand in a vat of pure AIDS before every HJ and surreptitiously nicking your wiener or something, but I wouldn’t worry about it. You are much more likely to get a regular old TD from some other dude’s stank feet on the floor or her sneezing on you, I think. But if it puts your mind at ease — as the sex ed folks stress, THE ONLY RISK-FREE SEX ACT IS NOT TO HAVE SEX EVER — slap a condom on you or a glove on her. Or both. Squeak squeak squeak!
Etymology Funtime Corner: Readers Talkback!
Now it is my turn to have a question for you. So, as any reader of lad mags or dude-targeted email newsletters knows, “chesticles” is a frat-forward way of saying boobs or whatever. Fine. But it occurred to me recently that the only way “chesticles” makes sense as a word is as a portmanteau of “chest” and “testicles.” Is that really what they are trying to evoke? The similarity between a lady’s fun bags and their own? That doesn’t seem right. The mental image that summons for me is horrific, and not at all like the greased up, bewifebeatered Jessica Alba that they are using it to describe. Does anyone have a better explanation for what’s up with the word “chesticles”? Drop me a line. I would like to scrub my brain clean of any chest/testicle connection. •
