Five NYC Spots to Inspire Abstinence 

1  The East 96th Street Playground
Even if you use a condom, there’s always the chance of accidentally creating life. Uhh, ew. For a first-hand look at what that entails (tiny mewling bipeds in constant need of attention), this clamorous spot invokes the ultimate cautionary shudder.

2  Speed Dating
Oh boy. While there’s a case to be made for the inherent brevity of these mass-cult massacres, the hogo of awkwardness isn’t any less pervasive. Read a book, rent some porn — don’t let yourself get treated like livestock.

3  Financial District Frat Bars
Basically an unofficial version of speed-dating that involves a lot more alcohol and former lacrosse players. The garish displays of liquidity are enough to wither anyone’s nether parts.

4  Condomania  351 Bleecker St.
While a free and open society in which birth control is not taboo is great, we have a sneaking suspicion that the tourists and “just coming out” teenagers who frequent this place don’t even like sex. Also, anything that ends with the word “mania” is necessarily un-sexy.

5  The STD Clinic on 19th Street
A bored  receptionist watching Montel Williams; three  shabby rooms with copious  stacks of  needles, boxes of  urine cups, and  a couple  of yellowing inspirational posters touting “Success”?  Totally hot.

*THE ENTIRE CITY
Still have a copy of the Village Voice with the cover story about the Don Juan with cerebral palsy? Read it. Welcome to abstinence.

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