1 The East 96th Street Playground
Even if you use a condom, there’s always the chance of accidentally creating life. Uhh, ew. For a first-hand look at what that entails (tiny mewling bipeds in constant need of attention), this clamorous spot invokes the ultimate cautionary shudder.
2 Speed Dating
Oh boy. While there’s a case to be made for the inherent brevity of these mass-cult massacres, the hogo of awkwardness isn’t any less pervasive. Read a book, rent some porn — don’t let yourself get treated like livestock.
3 Financial District Frat Bars
Basically an unofficial version of speed-dating that involves a lot more alcohol and former lacrosse players. The garish displays of liquidity are enough to wither anyone’s nether parts.
4 Condomania351 Bleecker St.
While a free and open society in which birth control is not taboo is great, we have a sneaking suspicion that the tourists and “just coming out” teenagers who frequent this place don’t even like sex. Also, anything that ends with the word “mania” is necessarily un-sexy.
5 The STD Clinicon 19th Street
A bored receptionist watching Montel Williams; three shabby rooms with copious stacks of needles, boxes of urine cups, and a couple of yellowing inspirational posters touting “Success”? Totally hot.
*THE ENTIRE CITY
Still have a copy of the Village Voice with the cover story about the Don Juan with cerebral palsy? Read it. Welcome to abstinence.