Homemade Pizza: More Complicated, Worse Results 

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This week in Andrea Can't Cook, I try to replicate my new favorite drunk snack: Artichoke Basille's signature artichoke and spinach pizza. They wouldn't give out the recipe, so I picked up some takeout and applied reverse engineering techniques to decipher the slice. My best guess for the recipe follows (spoiler alert: there's a reason why they employ trained cooks to make this stuff).

• Flour. You have flour, right?
• Yeast. Make a yeast infection joke at the store. It will be hilarious.
• 1 jar artichoke hearts
• Pre-washed spinach that you should probably wash again, just to be safe. Remember when all the spinach was contaminated? That might still be a thing. You should probably look that up.
• Some mozzarella cheese. Fresh, if you can afford it, but you can't, so just get some Polly-O.

1. Pour 2/3 cup warm water in a bowl.
2. Sprinkle (and by “sprinkle” I mean “dump haphazardly”) 1 tsp. dry active yeast into the water. Did you get dry active yeast? Is there wet active yeast? What about wet inactive yeast? For every action yeast, there is an inaction yeast.
3. Get a large bowl. They're on top of the cabinets. If you can't reach them, ask a boy to reach one.
4. Pour 2 cups flour into the bowl. You only have like, half a cup.
5. Go to your neighbor's apartment. Do they have any flour? No, they don't. Hang out for a while and talk about the stabbings in the neighborhood. Creepy, right? If you see someone wearing red, they're probably in "The Bloods."
6. Go to the bodega. Jesus, there are so many different kinds of flour. I thought there was just the one. Is it okay to get self-rising flour if you're using yeast? Can you ask the cashier? Would he know this sort of thing? Is it racist to assume he wouldn't know how to make pizza dough? Wait, is it racist to assume he would?
7. Just get the self-rising flour.
8. Pour the remaining cup and a half of flour into the big bowl.
9. Add the yeast/water mixture and smoosh it around until it resembles dough.
10. It sort of looks like dough, I guess. Why is there still so much excess flour?
11. Pour in some water?
12. Yeah, that looks about right. Knead it a bit. Twirl it around like a cartoon chef if you want.
13. Rub the bowl with oil (olive I guess? It doesn't say) and put the dough in it. Cover with Saran Wrap.
14. Let it sit for an hour and a half while you watch the Lost season finale. Can you believe this shit? Is Locke Jacob? Did Jacob kill Locke? I don't even know, you guys.
15. It was supposed to rise. Did it? I can't tell. How big was it before? I think it's...a little bigger?
16. Knead the dough again and roll it out. If you don't have a rolling pin, I find a wine bottle works just as well.
17. Drizzle with olive oil.
18. Cover with mozzarella cheese and spinach.
19. Ask a boy to open the jar of artichoke hearts.
20. Cover with artichoke hearts.
21. Google “How long do you cook pizza in an oven?” WikiAnswers says 12-14 minutes at 450 degrees, so just go with that.
22. Wow. This is not at all like the slice at Artichoke Basille. I really wish I had spent the last two hours just going to the East Village to buy a slice and not butchering the recipe at home.

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