Hot Hot Heat 

Ace Bar  531 E 5th St.
Vegas  135 Smith St, Brooklyn.

Ah, August, that magical month when New York feels like the inside of a dog’s mouth. When all the street pee and garbage molecules join with the humidity to coat your skin with the sticky, stinky sheen of city filth and your brain feels like a swarm of tired bees. Surely August is a month for drinking.

What I don’t get, though, are the people who think August is a time for drinking outside. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some outside drinking, like on a beach or in a backyard garden, or in the early summer or early fall. But in August, in whatever treeless, breezeless urban biergarten it is that you frequent, there is not enough liquor in the world to blot out the horrible, horrible heat.

Perhaps in olden times going outside and dulling your senses was the best solution available, but people, we have science now. And science has brought us wonderful, wonderful air conditioning. I grew up in Texas, where it tends to be very hot all the time, and people always ask me, “Audrey, how can you be so intolerant of heat having grown up in Texas?” and I always tell them that in Texas we do not sit around sweating like cavemen because we are smart enough to get our asses in some fucking central air and stay there.

So ok everybody, this August let’s agree to quit being such Luddite dinks and go hide from cruel nature in a cool, dark, soothing bar. It doesn’t have to be anywhere special. I mean, this is hardly the time to worry about rubbing shoulders with the fancy people — they’re all probably banging cabana boys on some beach somewhere anyway. You just need a place to hunker down and wait for more civilized weather.

How about Vegas? They’ve got a pool table, a decent jukebox, and enough sense to keep the door shut and the lights low. Or, if you’re a Manhattanite, maybe Ace Bar. Again, pool table, decent music, some darts and pinball. Whatever. Just go somewhere near your house, because only a crazy person would be walking around in this heat. The important thing to remember is that eventually August will end and you can be a human again. Until then, stay inside, stay hydrated, and stay a little tipsy. Like I even had to add that last part.


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