So here is the definitive list of What I Get Up To at 10am on a Sunday morning or when it rains, or in the dead of winter or when no one’s really in the mood to hustle out of their apartment to pick up a Spinning Sex Swing:
Discussing Humorous Customers with Co-Workers: 10% of Overall Loaf Time
This week, a woman came in who was only too happy to talk about getting a vibrator lost up her ass. Over the last year, maybe half a dozen customers have told me this has happened to them. Humans have two sets off sphincter muscles but we only have control over one of them, so a sex toy without a flared base can get sucked up there extremely easily.
Anyway, this hilarious and awesome lady told the story in great detail (the doctors in the emergency room told her the vibrator was still buzzing in her rectum) and it was the store scuttlebutt (ha!) for the rest of the day.
Wishing I Was the Manager’s Dog: 5% of Overall Loaf Time
For a long time the expression, “When die I want to be reincarnated as a rich man’s mistress or a gay man’s dog,” has been knocking around in my head. I tried to google its source, but I couldn’t find it, so who knows where I picked it up.
Our manager’s dog is a lovable, charming, smelly bag of bones who gets to sleep the work day away. I read his adoption papers and they said he has, “unusual fat deposits in his testicles,” but he’s constantly lavished with affection from doting customers and has more outfits, gets more exercise and eats better than I do. Sigh.
Staring at the Babe Across the Street: 15% of Overall Loaf Time
I’m a creep. There’s a babia majora who works in the coffee shop across the street, whom I suspect has some sort of compulsive disorder because he washes his hands about ten times a day, but he’s not nearly as disordered as the girl who stands around watching him wash his hands ten times a day. I’m a creep.
Sticking Dildos to the Ceiling: 5% of Overall Loaf Time
Some of the dildos have suction cups on the bottom and when I’m really bored, I like to whip the display dildos at the ceiling to see if they’ll stick.
Inspecting the Porn: 15% of Overall Loaf Time
Mulling over the back covers of porn is always a good way to kill some time, because they are at equal turns gruesome, fascinating and hilarious. The images of rosebuds and gaping assholes, the ridiculous plots (new in the store: The Porn Identity, which follows the exploits of “Chasin Porn”) and the sad young girls and twinks, looking off the box and into your heart with their, “Daddy, Why’d You Leave?” eyes.
Complaining: 30% of Overall Loaf Time
I want to go to grad school. I want to finish my novel. I wish I had a real job. Wah, wah, wah.
Sexual Harassment: 20% of Overall Loaf Time
I like to put a dildo down the front of my apron and press it against an unsuspecting coworker's behind when they’re standing around minding their own business. I like to make inappropriate jokes, like pretending I’m a creepy uncle and whispering in a co-worker’s ear, “It’s just a massage, Champ. It’s cool, your Mom knows. Don’t worry about it.”
We’re all friends in the store and everyone pushes the envelope, but I don’t think anyone is too bothered by it. Thankfully, there’s no one really gross or out of line who makes everyone else uncomfortable.
Or, after admitting to that creepy uncle stuff, I realize that person is probably me. Either way, I’m not bothered.