How Much is Just Enough
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
It's been, um, a while since my husband and I had sex. Like, a long time. A really long time. Some of the reasons are physical, some are emotional - but lately I've started to get that urge again. This might be a weird question, but how do I try to reignite the fire after all these years of celibacy?
Actually, I think that is not such a weird question at all. Of course, a lot depends on the physical and emotional reasons for your lack of sex, which is why my advice cannot be more specific than: talk to your partner about it. Explain how you’re feeling. Talk about why you haven’t boned for a long time.
I mean, I guess the alternative is to start coming onto him/dressing sluttier/crotch grabs, but honestly, I think that will lead to disappointment for you and awkwardness between you. Just talk about it, man. Maybe there are reasons for your joint celibacy beyond even the ones you are aware of.
And can we stop and talk for a minute about relationship sex? I know it’s way more fun to read about how to fit seven dicks in six holes or whatever, but indulge me, okay? Because a lot of the people I know are in long-term, monogamous, committed relationships (yes, I am an old, sorry to burst your bubble) and I feel like there’s this idea that if you are not have xxx hotttttt sexy creative sex all the time that you are sad and pitiable and that the fire and romance has been sapped from your relationship. And that it is your duty to your own dick/pussy to stoke the fires or else move on.
Which, yes. If you are unhappy with the amount of fucking you’re doing, that is a different story. By all means do something about it. I suspect there are literally thousands of sex advice columns with ideas for how to effect a sexual fire re-stoking (cellophane! mega-blowjobs! superporn!) But I just feel like nobody really wants to acknowledge that most people go through periods where they aren’t really feeling it.
Whether it’s depression or busy-ness or just not being excited about fucking, it is okay. You are not broken. It is completely normal for people who have been partnered for a long time (and people in general!) to go through periods where they don’t fuck, and then periods where they fuck a lot.
If you don’t go through those dry spells, well, that’s awesome. But I just think there are all these cultural messages about how if you aren’t feeling horny for a while, you are sad and old your relationship sucks and basically expect to be Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.
And friends, this is not true. Your body tells you shit that is important: listen to it. If it’s saying it’s not into fucking right now, be nice to it. Talk to your partner. Know where the other person is at. But every person, and therefore every couple (and poly group, sorry my language is so skewed toward pairs,) has different needs and desires.
There is a lot of information about how to honor that on the sexier end of the spectrum, but it’s equally important to honor it on the unsexy end. Yes, there are people for whom once a month is enough. As long as that person is happy, and their partner(s) is (are) happy, that is okay.
So, in conclusion, if you are unhappy with the amount of sex you’re having, talk to your partner about ways to fix it. If you are happy but feel guilty that it is not enough, relax. Just communicate, people.
And wow, I guess I had a lot to say about that. Thus endeth the most boring PSA about sex you will ever read. Sorry. Next week: regularly scheduled boner patrol.
