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How to Wax a Mustache
1. Never grow just a mustache. Stop shaving, grow a beard, and when it’s a good length shave everything else off. It’s easier to explain a bad beard than it is to look like a pedophile.
2. Know your facial hair. Picking a wax is like picking a shampoo. If you want loose curls, use a softer wax and comb it in. If you want tight curls, use something more firm and tacky, leave it in for a few minutes and then coax it into the shape you want. You think the Salvador Dali is for you? Use a softer wax to start and then a firmer wax to harden it into the right angle. Remember, the harder the wax the more you should work it into your fingers to heat it up, so it’s easier to apply.
3. Do not blow-dry your mustache. It’s wax—it doesn’t get harder with heat, it melts. If you’re using hairspray to style your mustache, only blow-dry it on the cold setting, as heat will destroy your hair. Also, don’t use hairspray.
4. If you have a thin mustache, do thinner, tighter curls like Rollie Fingers. If you have tons of follicles and look like Teddy Roosevelt, do a more natural curl. Your mstache should fit your face. Imagine Joseph Stalin’s mustache on Pauly Shore.
5. I can’t stress this enough: wear that shit like you were born with it. If someone says you look like a civil war general, you shoot them with a Blunderbuss. If they say you look like a hipster, you shoot them with an obscure Captain Beefheart lyric.
Daniel Mitchell, The Gotham City Beard Alliance
Photo courtesy photosbydash.com.