I really hope all these new anti-immigration laws pass, because nothing will make this country safer than ripping a bunch of parents away from their children — children who, like me, were smart and hard-working enough to be born here all by themselves. However, the new laws — which, in case you are exercising your God-given American right to ignore the news, would make illegal immigration a felony — are only a good start. If it were up to me, in order to get citizenship you’d have to prove seven generations of pure American blood (and Injuns don’t count!), showing that you are patriotic and hard-working enough to go back in time and encourage your ancestors to come over on the Mayflower. If God had wanted Americans to speak Spanish, He would have had it discovered by Mexicans.
At the very least, we should revamp that pussy Citizenship Test “legal” immigrants have to take in order to pretend to join our ranks while they donate all their stolen-from-pure-blood “paychecks” to Al-Qaida and other organizations in Iraq. Instead of a bunch of liberal bellyaching about the Boston Tea Party (you know who drinks tea? Fer’ners), today’s Test should find real Americans according to real American criteria. And it shouldn’t be limited to fer’ners trying to take our jobs and our women, everyone should have to take it — and if you flunk, you should get separated from your family and deported to some socialist republic, like Oregon. As my great-grandfather would say in his thick Russian-Yiddish accent: “I vant fern-chiks out da country!” If I were in charge, the immigration test would look like this:
1. What was America’s best war and why?
a) WWI: You didn’t hear those badasses in the trenches whine about more body armor.
b) The War on Terror: It will literally never end; how can you beat that? It’s semantically impossible!
c) WWII: Without Hitler, how could we compare lesser world dictators to Hitler?
d) The Cold War: Without it, there’d be no NASA.
2. What is the best ride at Disneyland?
a) The Matterhorn: It’s kind of gay, just like the actual Swiss.
b) Big Thunder Mountain Railroad: Proves why trains belong in theme parks, not cities.
c) Hall of Presidents: But really, they should remove Bill Clinton.
d) The I Hate Communists and Race-Mixing Ride
3. Why must the word “militia” be interpreted as liberally as possible, while the phrase “created equal” must not?
a) “militia” sounds foreign so it’s probably made up
b) all of the above
c) reading is for assholes!
d) if you even regard this question seriously, you fail
4. What is the most important attribute of a red-blooded American?
a) Red Lobster nearby
b) nine cars
c) “work ethic”
d) mediocre intellect and a sense of entitlement
5. Who is America’s biggest enemy?
a) Susan Sarandon
c) That bitch at Scores who keeps promising a blow job in the champagne room and then just dances around like some understudy from that Producers thingy.
Ha!! Unbeknownst to you, you just took this test! And you failed, because anyone who lives in the sin-soaked Island of New York obviously doesn’t deserve to be in America — just look at your stupid Statue of Liberty and its goddamned “huddled masses” plaque that brought all these fer’ners here in the first place! It’s just like my Bumpa said when he got off the boat, nine years old with only the worn-out shoes on his feet (which he wore out running from pogroms): actually I don’t know what he used to say because he didn’t speak English then. But you know what I mean. I’m sure it was something about rounding up fer’ners.