Huntin’ Ferners in their Natural Environment!
by Rebeccas SchumanOne of the major sticking points of the continuing
american anti-ferner crusades is that ferners refuse
to learn english, remaining sequestered in
their self-constructed mini-countries and walking
around yammering in gibberish all day. i am
devastated to report that ferners who are antienglish
(ergo anti-family, anti-god and pro-babyeating)
also exist outside america. For example,
i am currently visiting some country in the middle
of europe, called checkostan or somewhere
— i don’t know, because nobody will speak english
here either! and you would not believe how uppity
these ferners get when i ask for something totally
intuitive like a sierra mist Free with ice chips.
I finally caved and enrolled in one of those language
schools for ferners, not because i have any
interest in learning chekostani or whatever, but
because i can connect with other americans who
speak english here! it’s like a mini-america the
other members of my community and i have constructed
ourselves, so we can exist in a perfectly
isolated sphere of english all day long and never
be forced to learn a word of anything fern. When
we go into the ferners’ shops they even make half
an effort to speak in real talk and keep the checky
bullshit to a minimum. i could stay here forever!
The problem is, there are a lot of ferners who
think that just because they outnumber us (just
like the mexicans will soon outnumber those natively
descended real North americans like the
Hon. samuel alito — now there is an american
name) that we should have to learn to parlez the
slavish or whatevs, so my group is full of these
jokers who spend all day trying to talk in something
that isn’t english. it takes them like ten minutes
to get out something retarded like “i usually
eat salami and salad for breakfast” (which, by the
way, is a breakfast only a total pussy would eat),
when they could get that out in english in like two
and a half seconds and then have a bunch of free
time to track down a decent cheeseburger.
It turns out, though, that every single person
in czech language school but me is here not for
the camaraderie and the liberty and the freedom
and the higher duty of preserving english’s global
might, but because they claim to have czech girlfriends
or wives — whose families have the gall
to talk in their obscure little dialect all day long.
apparently after a few years together, “you like to
make sex? i am supermodel who likes nice blue
passport!” ceases to be the pinnacle of conversation.
What’s really interesting, however, is that
although this school has an endless glut of mediocre-
looking anglophones perpetually attached
to their mobile phones (on the other end of which
someone named jana or Hana or madlenka is
ostensibly yapping about how tough it is to locate
enough wax for legs nine feet long), these janas
and Hanas and madlenkas never actually materialize.
it is as if they reside in the parallel universe
where all the nonexistent things live, like the
Hamptons, and dick cheney’s soul.
Either that, or my balding, weak-chinned cohort
are wise enough to keep their foreign partners
chained to their radiators, so that they lack
the ability to go out trolling for someone richer
and better looking. unfortunately for all of us truepatriots, however, radiators were not very good at
teaching english the last time i checked, so the
impossibly attractive czech women never learn
to communicate, and the dorky mcgees fortunate
enough to score them back in the early 90s
feel compelled to study a foreign language. Which,
i fear, will only lead to a greater acceptance of foreign
languages in general, that may (god help us)
spread back to the united states, and before long
everyone in the united states but sean Hannity
will speak another language, and then who will be
left to call in to sean Hannity’s show and tell him
how awesome he is? these are serious and important
issues, people, and i can only hope that
you all still understand enough english to think
about them. i still do, for the time being, but after
another few weeks hanging around these ferners
(and, worse, ferner-sympathizers, who post hoc
ergo proptor hoc are foreign), who knows? or, as
they i would say here in the czech republic, who
knows?
