Huntin’ Ferners! 

Most of you probably don’t know this, because reading the papers is for Commies, but apparently the United States of America is vulnerable to attack at any time because it turns out “other countries” are not just places to get wasted at Epcot, nor are they all a safe ocean away in Europe, with their nihilism and supermodels, or Asia with their teeny tiny hotel rooms. You might want to stock up on duct tape and plastic wrap, because I have recently discovered that there are other countries directly above and below ours, actually touching it at what I guess are called “borders.” Although that is also the name of a store that sells books, and books are for fags, so you can’t be entirely sure.
Seriously, though, something has got to be done about these borders. Well, all right, not the one to the north, because that one just goes to a place called “Canada,” where all they have is sketch comedy and refrigerated beer stores. And while sketch comedians should all be on the no-fly list as far as I’m concerned, Scott Thompson hasn’t actually been caught exploding any buildings yet. Nor has a six-pack of Labatt’s, although I would certainly love to pound one down right now. No, Canada’s so-called “border” holds little to no threat, because Canadians are pretty much all white. Plus, they have this thing about working at jobs that pay them a living wage and going to the doctor when they’re sick or hurt.
No, I’m talking about the border down south, the one that leads to a place that may have brought us nachos, but also brought us Mexicans: Mexico. Apparently kajillions of these “Mexicans” are schlepping here in the dead of night, ruining the lives of fat, lazy, entitled Americans everywhere by working 14-hour days at the shittiest jobs imaginable in desperate hope to someday, perhaps, maybe offer their families a better life in a country that was built off the backs of immigrants like them. Something has got to be done about this hardworking, shitty-job-taking immigrant scourge, and that something is in no way regulation of the American companies whose profit margins rely entirely on their underpaid, undocumented workforce. No, the answer, obviously, is for 700 armed, vigilante whack-jobs to employ “frontier justice” on the Arizona border.
Enter a well-regulated militia calling itself the Minuteman Project, which actually consists of 700 armed vigilante whack-jobs who have indeed taken it upon themselves to patrol the Mexican border and intimidate and/or shoot illegal immigrants. I am not making this up, I read the news so you don’t have to. Led by a brave and completely not crazy retired accountant from California named Jim, the Minutemen have decided that the best way to solve our country’s undocumented worker problem is to litter the Arizona desert with their carcasses.
I say: why stop there? If we’re going to let civilians hunt ferners, how come they only get to kill Mexicans? I think I should also be able to kill the leggy Czech beauty tottering down the street in Manolos whose brand-new green card is basically the result of overseas prostitution. And the Korean guy who works 23 hours a day at the corner store on my block, I mean God, he makes me look really bad for complaining about an eight-hour workday where I literally get paid to sit on my ass and watch TV commercials, so I should be able to kill him, too. Nobody should be safe from the self-appointed amateur homeland security department — not even you, reading this, right now. Because who knows where you come from or what kind of thing I can’t do that you can? I’ve got a superiority complex and a gun, and I’m not going to stop mowing down the Other until there’s nothing but fat, lazy, entitled retired accountants who only watch Cops left! I will be vigilant! I will be victorious! I will be — ooooh look, nachos!  •


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