If It Looks Like an Oyster, Smells Like an Oyster… 

Nothing says “I love you” like champagne, oysters and unwanted pregnancy. Hundreds of years ago, aphrodisiacs were used in order to increase fertility and enhance sex drive. Any food possessing qualities associated with procreation was believed to better a couple’s chances of having children. On a less scientific basis, food that physically resembled the male or female genitalia was also considered to be a libido stimulant. The oyster is a lovely example because of its sweet and salty scent, its vaginal shape and its sensual texture. It’s also an excellent source of zinc, which is a primary nutrient in testosterone production. Some research demonstrates that oysters have chemical compounds that release sex hormones such as testosterone and estrogen. Others think this is all wishful thinking and that the general public is always searching for a way to overcome feelings of sexual inadequacy.

The Greek goddess of love, Aphrodite, emerges from an oyster to cast amorous spells upon those that inhabit the earth. The ultimate lover, Casanova maintained a diet of 50 oysters a day, enabling him to make love with alarming frequency. My own field research reveals that the intake of oysters in conjunction with copious amounts of alcohol leads to more regular sex with less regular people. As far as the downtown crowd is concerned, ya’ll have that sexually deprived look in your eyes. It’s almost Valentine’s Day and the thought of having dinner alone is something we all dread. So invite a few singles over for oysters and champagne to surmount the day’s anxiety. If the Romans are right, everyone’s gonna get some.

Angels on Horseback
Accompaniment: A bottle of Moët
(Serves 6)

6 thinly sliced bacon strips, cut in half
1/2 cup white wine
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cloves garlic, minced
(also believed to be an aphrodisiac)
1 tablespoon horseradish
12 shucked oysters

Combine the salt, pepper, white wine and garlic in a medium bowl. Place the oysters in the wine and let them marinate for ten minutes. Set the oven to broil. Remove the oysters from the marinade. Wrap each in 1/2 slice of bacon and secure it with a toothpick. Once the oven is heated place the oysters on the top rack. Broil them until the bacon begins to crisp and the oysters start to curl up on the sides. Be careful because boilers can burn things very easily. Remove, garnish with horseradish and serve. Let the baby- making begin.


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