I moved to New York from Melbourne in 2010 and I've been dating ever since and—like swimming and not dropping things—dating in New York has been added to the list of things that I am not very good at. Frankly, my New York sex and dating life has A) debased my little black book (which now reads more like a who's who of human scum and guys who like to do weird shit like spit on your belly mid sex) and B) been a source of great amusement to my friends and random strangers on the subway.
So, at the point, the next logical step was to start blogging about my experience in order to spread the mirth (I'm democratic like that) which led to some very fortunate consequences (you're reading one of them now) and also some unfortunate ones, e.g. people saying things like "ZOMGZ you're just like Carrie Bradshaw LOL! Can I be Samantha, what a whore! I mean, look at all the cum stains on my sheets! Seriously though, LOOK!"
So there is one thing we need to clarify before I continue with my graphic and frequently gratuitous dating and sex stories: I am not, nor will I ever be, anything like Carrie Bradshaw.
Firstly, I make a real writer's wage, which means that I live in a loft with three other people in Bushwick, eat tins of tuna for dinner and shop at the Goodwill. I like to call this 'real artist lyf.' Secondly, I only own four pairs of shoes, and I only actually wear three because one pair is for "running" and I only own them because I enjoy being able to think of myself as someone who plans on exercising. Only two pairs of my shoes are high heels, and I don't own a pair that cost over $100.
There are about a million other reasons that I'm nothing like Carrie Bradshaw (as if I'd ever give up a man like Aidan; I'd be all like, "build me some furniture and show me your penis, honey cakes"), but the main reason is that I have never, ever wondered if a relationship is like a shoe or a dress or a vibrator. A relationship is like a relationship.
Now that we have that straight, next week we can get down to the juicy stuff. Until then, my parting advice: date liberally, always use condoms (even if you're not having sex. In fact, the first ten people to Tweet me photos of themselves using condoms for non-sexual purposes win). Oh, and call me.