Hey everybody. I’m Audrey and I’ll be your new sex columnist. You may remember me as the person who used to write the bar review column around here, or you may not remember me at all, in which case, hi. I’m here to tell you my ideas about your sex problems.

The new column’s going to be a Q-and-A format, with you guys providing the Qs and me providing the As. What it’s not going to be is one of those ones where I go to a fisting festival and break the world record for fisting. If you want to see fisting festival talk, you’ll have to bring it up yourself. Sorry.
But if you have a sex problem, or if you have an enemy whose name you would like to see connected with throat gonorrhea in print, or if you are fulfilled in some way by writing fake questions about sex problems and having them answered as though they were real, then drop me a line.

A disclaimer, though: I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist or former sex worker or anything. I’m just an average lady who has had an average amount of sex. Maybe slightly above average. I hope. But I promise that, unlike your friends, I will give you an honest opinion about your problems, even if they are gross. Especially if they are gross. And if I don’t know the answer to a question, I will ask someone who does. That’s called research, baby, and I am willing to do it for you and your various diseases and mental problems and genital parts.

I mean, let’s be honest, your average person’s interest in a sex column breaks down like this: 95% watching the freak parade roll by, 4% keeping an eye out for anything worth trying out someday, and 1% staying abreast of current fetish trends, so you don’t have to be the guy at the bar going “What’s a furry?” So let’s get this thing started. You guys send me your questions and I’ll do my best to keep you entertained, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll both learn a little something. About fisting.

and now, to the questions...

Dear Audrey,
I am a 40-year-old virgin. Ok, no, I’m actually only 23, but I’ve never even had a blowjob, which makes me feel like a bit of a loser. Is there something wrong with me? I’ve been active with three or four girls (two of them girlfriends) but it’s never happened — is this something I’m supposed to ask for? That would make me feel like an asshole… and dropping hints feels kind of lame…What should I do?

Ok, well, obviously the first question is: did you go down on them? Because anyone who’s not a total asshole understands the implied reciprocity there. Were the girls assholes in other areas of life? Frankly, you probably missed out on your prime blowjob years — in high school before most chicks were going all the way and therefore third base was the main attraction. Although actually you probably didn’t miss that much. Blowjob administration is a skillset that’s acquired through practice.

Anyway, if you’re doing your part I think it’s cool to straight-up ask. You know, politely, the way you would for any type of specific thing: “Would it be cool if we tried it doggie-style?” “Would you mind tugging a little harder?” “Hey, is it ok if I pee on you first?” Here’s the thing, though, buddy — there might be more to it. If you’ve seen ladies sort of go for it, then turn around, you might have a stinky crotch. Totally serious. It’s a problem that many dudes have, yet are unaware of. Make sure you wash that sack every day and after the gym, and put on clean undies at least once a day. Good luck, guy. Keep your junk clean and it’ll happen for you.

Dear Audrey,
Why is everyone spitting on each other in porn these days? During my sensuous lovemaking sessions with my ladyfriend we never spit on each other, but it seems to be as essential a component of porn today as sticking it in the butt. What’s up with that?

Yes! Seriously! What the fuck? I’ve noticed that too, and it happened all of a sudden, just like how porn stars stopped having pubes all at once. At first I thought that maybe it was supposed to be about transgression and taboo — spit is “dirty” and therefore it’s hot. And obviously spit provides lubrication, but spitting strikes me as the least sexy delivery method of spit, especially since each individual blob is barely enough to make a difference. Think about it: spitting! Ick! I mean, certainly there are people with spitting fetishes, but it doesn’t seem to be part of the so-bad-it’s-good canon. I dunno, man. I hope it’s a passing fad.

Dear Audrey,
I’m a comfortably out-of-the-closet lesbian who’s fine with her sexuality, but doesn’t like going down on other girls. Is that weird?

Yes? I’m going to say yes. Although there’s plenty of hetero guys who don’t like going down on girls, so who knows. Maybe you’re just selfish. You do realize that most people prefer being gone down on to going down on someone else, right?

If it really squicks you out, and you can find a lady who doesn’t mind your aversion, then I guess you can just not do it, but it might not be a bad idea to think about what, exactly, you don’t like about eating out a chick. Could this be indicative of a deeper issue? Maybe. It’s worth considering, I think, if only for the sake of the poor girls who will otherwise have to make do without your downtown attentions.