Is the Turducken a Crime Against Nature?
by Adam Bonislawski
There is a scene in the Bohumil Hrabal novel, I Served the King of England, in which a veritable Noah’s ark of fauna is served one species stuffed inside the other, according to size. Granted, there’s a bit of magic realism about the whole thing, but something like it is, in fact, possible in the real world: The Turducken, a turkey stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken. Uh huh.
TANAANA
Where she presides: Van Gogh’s Radio Lounge, Greenpoint
Favorite drink: Bacardi Limon on Rocks
Hmmm, that actually sounds pretty interesting. I think I could go for that. I gotta wonder how they do it though. [Our intrepid correspondent cannot say for certain, but he suspects that considerable de-boning is involved] A turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. I’m a huge poultry eater, so that would probably work out pretty well for me.
RUSTUN
Where he presides: CoCo, Greenpoint
Favorite drink: Jameson neat
Yeah, I’ve heard of it — a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. It’s evolution at work. I’m gonna have one this year thanks to my friend Jeff. [“He’s ordering it?” asks our intrepid correspondent — because, for those curious among you, the deliciousness that is the Turducken is available for order online.] No, he’s gonna make it. We gotta figure it out. I’m not a cook. I’m just gonna be there to help out with any alcohol-related needs. [For the record, Jeff, who happened to be sitting just down the bar, said that he was not, in fact, planning to make a Turducken. He did, however, mention some sort of turkey with a layer of pistachio paste injected underneath the skin, which also sounded absurdly good.]
KRISTEN
Where she presides: Anytime, Williamsburg
Favorite drink: Beer
Well, that would depend on the person who was eating it. Personally, as a vegetarian, I would never eat it, and to me it sounds kind of disgusting. But it wouldn’t be a crime against nature. What’s the difference between a slaughtered cow and stuffing a chicken into a turkey?
KAREN
Where she presides: J.B.’s, Midtown
Favorite drink: Red wine
Nothing. I know nothing about Turducken. Here, ask Jerry. [Jerry: ‘Well I’ve never cooked a Turducken, but it sounds fantastic doesn’t it? What I have done is deep fry a turkey. Dear lord, what a debacle. You lower it down into a ten-pound vat of bubbling grease. And the thing tastes amazing of course... But what do you do with the grease later? I mean, really? Pour it down the sewer? I didn’t want to do that. Recycle it? It’s not motor oil. I ended taking about 10 containers of the stuff to my recycling center and just running. I felt bad, but what was I going to do? So, yeah. The deep-fried turkey or the Turducken are like popcorn and peanuts, I guess. They taste better when someone else makes them.] Karen: Yes, what he said.
JON
Where he presides: Orchid, Chelsea
Favorite drink: 7&7, my staple
I don’t think it sounds like a crime against nature at all. Turducken sounds interesting. We’ve thought about cooking one a couple of years, but thought better of it. I’d love to try it — yeah. It sounds like it’d be good.
CORI
Where she presides: Opal Lounge, Midtown
Favorite drink: Raspberry Stoli chilled in a martini glass
Who the hell comes up with the idea to stuff a turkey like that? That’s very creative. Clearly the work of a stoner! Yes, somebody must have been stoned out of his gourd to think of that one. Someone had to be like ‘Yeah, man. We can’t fit it all in the oven. Dude, let’s make the turkey the oven! Yes! Just pop the chicken and duck in the turkey and turn on the gas! Turducken. That’s hilarious.
TANAANA
Where she presides: Van Gogh’s Radio Lounge, Greenpoint
Favorite drink: Bacardi Limon on Rocks
Hmmm, that actually sounds pretty interesting. I think I could go for that. I gotta wonder how they do it though. [Our intrepid correspondent cannot say for certain, but he suspects that considerable de-boning is involved] A turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. I’m a huge poultry eater, so that would probably work out pretty well for me.
RUSTUN
Where he presides: CoCo, Greenpoint
Favorite drink: Jameson neat
Yeah, I’ve heard of it — a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. It’s evolution at work. I’m gonna have one this year thanks to my friend Jeff. [“He’s ordering it?” asks our intrepid correspondent — because, for those curious among you, the deliciousness that is the Turducken is available for order online.] No, he’s gonna make it. We gotta figure it out. I’m not a cook. I’m just gonna be there to help out with any alcohol-related needs. [For the record, Jeff, who happened to be sitting just down the bar, said that he was not, in fact, planning to make a Turducken. He did, however, mention some sort of turkey with a layer of pistachio paste injected underneath the skin, which also sounded absurdly good.]
KRISTEN
Where she presides: Anytime, Williamsburg
Favorite drink: Beer
Well, that would depend on the person who was eating it. Personally, as a vegetarian, I would never eat it, and to me it sounds kind of disgusting. But it wouldn’t be a crime against nature. What’s the difference between a slaughtered cow and stuffing a chicken into a turkey?
KAREN
Where she presides: J.B.’s, Midtown
Favorite drink: Red wine
Nothing. I know nothing about Turducken. Here, ask Jerry. [Jerry: ‘Well I’ve never cooked a Turducken, but it sounds fantastic doesn’t it? What I have done is deep fry a turkey. Dear lord, what a debacle. You lower it down into a ten-pound vat of bubbling grease. And the thing tastes amazing of course... But what do you do with the grease later? I mean, really? Pour it down the sewer? I didn’t want to do that. Recycle it? It’s not motor oil. I ended taking about 10 containers of the stuff to my recycling center and just running. I felt bad, but what was I going to do? So, yeah. The deep-fried turkey or the Turducken are like popcorn and peanuts, I guess. They taste better when someone else makes them.] Karen: Yes, what he said.
JON
Where he presides: Orchid, Chelsea
Favorite drink: 7&7, my staple
I don’t think it sounds like a crime against nature at all. Turducken sounds interesting. We’ve thought about cooking one a couple of years, but thought better of it. I’d love to try it — yeah. It sounds like it’d be good.
CORI
Where she presides: Opal Lounge, Midtown
Favorite drink: Raspberry Stoli chilled in a martini glass
Who the hell comes up with the idea to stuff a turkey like that? That’s very creative. Clearly the work of a stoner! Yes, somebody must have been stoned out of his gourd to think of that one. Someone had to be like ‘Yeah, man. We can’t fit it all in the oven. Dude, let’s make the turkey the oven! Yes! Just pop the chicken and duck in the turkey and turn on the gas! Turducken. That’s hilarious.
