Jerk Chicken
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
Let me start off and say my girlfriend and I have sex a couple times a week. On the off days I masturbate. Because of the volume of my semen, it's hard to do it in a comfortable setting. I'm not a fan of the mess that comes with jerking off (and it's a lot). Sounds silly but I have resorted to doing the deed above my toilet-that way I'm free and clear of my stuff. My only problem is that my climax is diluted because I'm worrying about getting anything on the seat. I've tried condoms but I feel I shouldn't have to pay for sex with myself. Any ideas, Redhead?
Wow, that sounds like a lotta jizz! What are you eating or drinking to produce such massive spews? Perhaps you simply have a gift.
On a side note, I asked a dude friend if he had any suggestions, assuming that he had probably dealt with a good amount of jizz clean-up in his day, and he put forward the unhelpful idea that you just shave yourself to increase ease of wiping. He also pointed out that you should thank your girlfriend, since she's the one dealing with your giant cum dump the rest of the week. Which I thought was hilarious, but not unreasonable, I guess. Take her out for the classic "sorry you have to clean pints of my semen off yourself every week" dinner at Daniel or whatever.
Anyway, since he was no help, I thought to look for advice to the two groups of folks that do the most spooge management in their lives. The number one jizz handler has to be the teenage boy. I think the most classic move, both for privacy and ease of clean-up, is to jack it in the shower. Similar to your toilet idea, but without the stress of hitting a mark, and also with the soothing element of warm water. But I do know people who don't enjoy sex acts in water because it's not really a very good lubricant in the end—it can get kind of "squeaky," if that makes sense. Or maybe the times you like to pleasure yourself are not the times when you need to be clean.
In that case, I think the second teen boy maneuver is to squirt into a sock, right? Gentlemen, am I just falling for some kind of urban legend or is that a real thing? It makes sense anyway. Instead of wearing a condom the whole time, you just slip a sock on the tip right at the end and boom, sock full of sperm into the hamper, no mess for you.
The second group of experts I would consult is the porn industry. They're people who clean up jizz like it's their job, because it is. Unfortunately, I do not know any actual porn stars well enough to ask for details, but it is my understanding based on reading that I've done that for spot cleaning, baby wipes are pretty much state-of-the-art. Unlike wiping with a tissue, which just spreads mucilaginous substances around, the baby wipes will cut through the goo, plus leave you with a pleasantly cool and astringent feeling on your newly clean chest/balls/wherever. Also since they're made for cleaning shit off babies, you know they're not going to irritate your sensitive areas. Hope that helps—happy jerking!
FOR QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS, THE NATURAL REDHEAD CAN BE REACHED AT SEX@THELMAGAZINE.COM
Illustration by Mike Force
