Just Friends?
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
I have a ton of friends that are male. They don’t like me, and I don’t like them (“in that way”). But we are best friends and I have a lot of friendships like that. We go to seminars, meditation clinics, out to eat, watch success videos, and get together with our families. What is your opinion about that? Is this common? I’m 31 years old and focusing more on career in little bits at a time. What do you think?
I think that sounds great! Right? Friends! Everybody likes to have friends. I don’t know if success videos would be my hangout of choice, but hey, they’re your friends, not mine. Are you asking me if it’s weird that you hang out with guys without wanting to sleep with them? Of course that’s not weird. I think it’s normal and wonderful to have friends of all genders that you care about and spend time with that you have zero interest in romantically. I mean, that’s kind of the meat of living a nice life, isn’t it? To have a big circle of friends and family that you care deeply about and meditate (or in my case, hang out in bars) with? I think so.
Those articles that are like “But can men and women ever REALLY be JUST FRIENDS?!?!?” puzzle me, because yes, obviously they can. I guess maybe if you grew up not socializing with anyone but straight people who identify as your same gender, then maybe all straight man/straight woman friendships could seem fraught with sexual tension, but that notion seems very old-fashioned to me. That attitude—especially when it comes from a man—also has an undercurrent of “Why would I bother to talk to some chick that I don’t want to fuck? What’s in it for me?” Which is just one of the saddest ideas I can think of, that you have no interest in human beings other than their capacity to envelop your hard dick, but unfortunately it’s an attitude that is not terribly rare. I’m glad you’ve found a group of awesome people who you like to do stuff with. Sometimes that can be difficult to do, especially as an adult.
If what you’re asking me is whether it’s weird that you’re 31 and not actively seeking a romantic partner, I don’t think that is weird either. It sounds like you’re happy and busy and have exciting goals you’re working toward. If at some point down the road you decide you’re in the mood to have a boyfriend (or girlfriend), or if you want to get laid, you can just ask your group of cool friends to set you up. One of the many benefits of having great friends is they can hook you up with their other great friends.
There’s so much talk about marriage as a human right lately (which it totally is!) that it’s easy forget that not everybody wants to have a sexual relationship. Obviously there are a lot of people who have non-monogamous or non-marriage partnerships, and there are asexual people who have partnerships that are non-sexual, but there are also plenty of awesome interesting people who just aren’t into being with somebody. It can be hard to explain that to friends and family who see having a partner as the key to happiness, but there are lots and lots of people in the world that prefer not to partner.
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