Ladyparts
by Audrey Ference
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Dear Audrey,
I have trouble enjoying oral sex because I can’t stop worrying that I smell bad down there. Unless I’ve come straight out of the shower, I keep thinking that maybe the guy going down on me is grossed out. I know they say not to douche or use that FDS or whatever, but what should someone do? I want to be able to like being gone down on!
Here’s the thing. There are two wildly different answers to your question, based on your answer to this question: what makes you think your genitals smell bad? If the answer is, “partners recoil in disgust” or “I’ve caught whiffs of an off odor,” it is possible that you might have a yeast or bacterial infection. There are things in this world that make pussies stink, and while it’s nothing to get embarrassed about, it’s definitely worth fixing. Talk to your gyno.
On the other hand, if the answer is “a vague lifelong shame about my lady parts, combined with adolescent teasing,” then your problem is most likely the patriarchy. Look, I’m not going to make you lock the bathroom door and get a compact mirror out, but us ladies have been socialized to be grossed out by our own correctly functioning genitalia. Pussies are not odorless. They smell like pussy. This, for many if not most people attracted to women, is a feature, not a bug.
Here’s what I’m going to suggest: next time you’re just hanging around by yourself, stick a finger or two up there. Then smell them. If there’s a problem, it will be really obvious — decaying or rotting smells, for instance. Otherwise, that’s your musk, baby. Love it. Maybe make out with someone after they’ve gone down on you next time. Get comfortable with your lady smell. It’s not something you’d necessarily want in a room freshener, but it’s a good, sexy smell.
That’s all I can really advise, which I realize is easier said than done. Take regular showers, get to know your own natural smell, and continue to remind yourself that the reason your partners are having sex with someone with a vadge is that they really like vadge, smell and all. It would be a sad state of affairs if someone else loved your pussy more than you do. You only get one, after all.
Dear Audrey,
My boyfriend, who has never slept with a woman and has been out since like high school, has lately started getting really interested in women’s breasts. He says it’s not a sexual thing but an aesthetic thing, but it still freaks me out. Should I be worried?
Brother, I think we can all agree that boobs are awesome. A sweet rack — like an adorable puppy or a single perfect flower pushing its way up through a crack in a gritty, litter-strewn sidewalk — is one of nature’s gifts to us, as humans. You don’t have to want to fuck tits (or the person who they belong to) to appreciate the little bit of joy each one brings to the world. And that’s coming from someone who has only ever gotten to second base with another girl.
Plus, anyway, I thought we had all agreed to throw out our binary notions of sexuality and gender and embrace the spectrum of different ways people can embody the male and female, queer and straight, kinky and vanilla. Right? Or am I confusing that with how we’re all “flexitarian” now?
Anyway, personally I wouldn’t worry. But clearly you are worried. So have an honest and frank conversation with your dude about why it freaks you out that he’s a breast man now. Besides the rainbow thing and the inherently awesome thing, there’s also the “gave us all life as babies” thing and the constant barrage of sexualized images of women in the media thing. Talk to him and feel better.
Dear Audrey,
I have trouble enjoying oral sex because I can’t stop worrying that I smell bad down there. Unless I’ve come straight out of the shower, I keep thinking that maybe the guy going down on me is grossed out. I know they say not to douche or use that FDS or whatever, but what should someone do? I want to be able to like being gone down on!
Here’s the thing. There are two wildly different answers to your question, based on your answer to this question: what makes you think your genitals smell bad? If the answer is, “partners recoil in disgust” or “I’ve caught whiffs of an off odor,” it is possible that you might have a yeast or bacterial infection. There are things in this world that make pussies stink, and while it’s nothing to get embarrassed about, it’s definitely worth fixing. Talk to your gyno.
On the other hand, if the answer is “a vague lifelong shame about my lady parts, combined with adolescent teasing,” then your problem is most likely the patriarchy. Look, I’m not going to make you lock the bathroom door and get a compact mirror out, but us ladies have been socialized to be grossed out by our own correctly functioning genitalia. Pussies are not odorless. They smell like pussy. This, for many if not most people attracted to women, is a feature, not a bug.
Here’s what I’m going to suggest: next time you’re just hanging around by yourself, stick a finger or two up there. Then smell them. If there’s a problem, it will be really obvious — decaying or rotting smells, for instance. Otherwise, that’s your musk, baby. Love it. Maybe make out with someone after they’ve gone down on you next time. Get comfortable with your lady smell. It’s not something you’d necessarily want in a room freshener, but it’s a good, sexy smell.
That’s all I can really advise, which I realize is easier said than done. Take regular showers, get to know your own natural smell, and continue to remind yourself that the reason your partners are having sex with someone with a vadge is that they really like vadge, smell and all. It would be a sad state of affairs if someone else loved your pussy more than you do. You only get one, after all.
Dear Audrey,
My boyfriend, who has never slept with a woman and has been out since like high school, has lately started getting really interested in women’s breasts. He says it’s not a sexual thing but an aesthetic thing, but it still freaks me out. Should I be worried?
Brother, I think we can all agree that boobs are awesome. A sweet rack — like an adorable puppy or a single perfect flower pushing its way up through a crack in a gritty, litter-strewn sidewalk — is one of nature’s gifts to us, as humans. You don’t have to want to fuck tits (or the person who they belong to) to appreciate the little bit of joy each one brings to the world. And that’s coming from someone who has only ever gotten to second base with another girl.
Plus, anyway, I thought we had all agreed to throw out our binary notions of sexuality and gender and embrace the spectrum of different ways people can embody the male and female, queer and straight, kinky and vanilla. Right? Or am I confusing that with how we’re all “flexitarian” now?
Anyway, personally I wouldn’t worry. But clearly you are worried. So have an honest and frank conversation with your dude about why it freaks you out that he’s a breast man now. Besides the rainbow thing and the inherently awesome thing, there’s also the “gave us all life as babies” thing and the constant barrage of sexualized images of women in the media thing. Talk to him and feel better.
