Least Pride-Inspiring High School Mascots 

Illustration by Kiersten Essenpreis


1. Peg-Legged Dutchman (The Collegiate School)

A symbol of endurance and history, the Peg-Legged Dutchman is an enchanting cripple to whom the students at this all-boys school can relate: a man who, despite his mysterious injuries, is able to stand and move on his own, albeit lurchingly and with walking aids.

2. The Governors (DeWitt Clinton High School)
You know that episode of Saved By the Bell where the school’s mascot was kept in a cage, purportedly safe from rival schools’ hooligans? Yeah, now picture a 58-year-old, gray-haired white dude stuck in a cage all week, set free only to lead raucous crowds through chants of “DE-FENCE! DE-FENCE!” Hilarious, right? Yes.

3. The Beavers (Brearley)
Beavers are aquatic rodents who represent determination and hard work, just like teenage girls. They have powerful teeth for chewing down trees, and flat tails to slap against the water as a danger signal and to help propel them as they swim. Beavers are so sexy and useful that the word “beaver” is slang for female genitalia.

4. Koala (St. Joseph Hill Academy)

Although perceived to be sweet and soft, koalas actually have coarse fur and freakishly small brains. They sleep almost all the time, and when you disturb them from their slumber they become violent. They are also highly susceptible to Chlamydia. They are pretty cute in photographs, though, aren’t they?

5. Steamer (St. Ann’s School)
Get your mind out of the gutter. The mascot of venerable St. Ann’s is a bivalve that’s been rendered delectable through the elegant process of steaming. Clams are so delicious that just the idea of how delicious they are gets the St. Ann’s kids all riled up when they are playing sports. Us too!

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