An Open Letter to the Citizens of New York
Hello. My name is Christopher X. Brodeur, and I do not want to be your next mayor. Of course, I also don’t want to brush my teeth, do my laundry, take out the trash, or clean the bathroom. But if I don’t do them, no one else will.

That’s why I’m running for mayor, because next November’s  election will be no different from the last 5,000 elections in our nation’s history: you’ll be asked to choose from Worthless Candidate A, and Worthless Candidate B. That’s no way to run a democracy.

Fortunately for the eight million taxpayers in NYC, this will be the first (and last) time they will have the opportunity to vote for a candidate who hates the system as much as they do, and this is why I am running on the Democratic ballot, and this is why I’m going to waste the next ten months of my life trying to take on Goliath.

I’ve already been deemed a “fringe” candidate by our crooked media. I’m clearly not the most mainstream candidate in this race, I’m the only mainstream candidate in the race! Lord Bloomberg, for example, believes politicians should legally be allowed to lie and break their promises! If that isn’t “fringe” — considering exactly 100% of the citizens disagree with him — then nothing is! In fact, if the media did an honest poll tomorrow, they’d find I poll 100% on 100% of the issues with voters of all political stripes!

I’m not simply more popular than Tax Hike Mike and the other clowns running, I dare you to find a single issue they can beat me on, from my plan to outlaw any fiscal waste by government, to my plans for free subways. For example, I’m the only candidate who promises to take the $7 million City Hall spends every year on “homeless services” and simply build affordable housing, eliminating homelessness forever! Please visit my website, MayorBrodeur.org, and take a look at my 100 Innovations For NYC.

I’m going out with a fight, and I hope you’ll join me.
—Christopher X. Brodeur

Hey,
Read your Antichrist article (Dec ‘04), and thought it was kind of unfair… you sound so negative and sarcastic… you should have more of an open mind… maybe you wouldn’t be so boring and miserable!                                               
—Rock   

Rebecca,
I’ve encountered a lot of ranting and raving from people who I guess are like you. But frankly, it’s impossible to know what they’re ranting and raving about because they make so little sense. Bush-hate seems to be the rage, yet not one person suffering from this self-induced malady has shown me a single example of how Bush has impinged upon a single young life. Oh sure, you can rant about our troops in Iraq. But for what. They’re all volunteers. They freely joined the military and few think they got a raw deal. Are you attempting to illustrate a point in your latest “nothing to see here”? If you are, the point is not apparent. The only thing apparent is your knee-jerk reaction to the latest presidential election, the results of which are far more likely to benefit the country and the world than the alternative of having a clueless dope like Kerry masquerading as the leader of the free world.   
—Chris