Age 13: Upper East Side
Your parents are upstate, and thanks to some ingenious liquid-replacement, you possess a Nalgene filled with Alcohols. You munch on Pizza Pockets and lie to your friends about whose private parts you’ve seen and what drugs you plan to do in the coming week. After a round of whippets, vomit in your parents’ bidet and fall asleep on the couch.
Age 23: East Village
Well, you finally got a job. It doesn’t pay anything, but it’s ok, you can admit it: the folks are helping you out. So take advantage of that shit — not by going to fancy bars but by going to regular bars, and buying tons of regular drinks.
Age 33: Williamsburg
You and your significant other have been a little too happy to shuffle through Netflix and takeout menus for the last few months. Instead of drinking Stella watching multiple episodes of Monk, head to Zebulon in Williamsburg and dance to live music. It’s too early to give up.
Age 43: Carroll Gardens
Your babysitter’s MySpace profile doesn’t have any slutty pictures on it, so you two are hitting the town — softly. You linger over dinner and several bottles of wine at Robin des Bois with Stefan and Joanne. Stefan and Joanne’s daughter hasn’t yet spoken a complete sentence, which must be hard for them. Stefan and Joanne are a little heavier than you are. Stefan and Joanne always drink a little more wine than you would. You really enjoy spending time with Stefan and Joanne.
Age 53: Upper East Side
Now that the kids are in college and you have the apartment to yourselves, it’s time to party! Invite your kids’ friends’ parents over to swing open the liquor cabinet and get bombed on gin that your children watered down to keep at the level of the Sharpie-d watermark on the side of the bottle. After doing a line of your son’s Xanax, vomit in the potted fern and fall asleep on the couch.