Look Out! Pepper Dick! 

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Dear Audrey,
I was making some salsa. No, I am not an idiot. I was wearing gloves. Got busy a few hours later and my boyfriend's dick was on fire. Even worse, he didn't really notice it until after we'd had sex, then my pussy was on fire too. What happened? Other than not handling peppers and then getting it on (not really an option, I work in food service), how can I keep this from happening again? And if it does happen again, what the hell should we do?

Pepper dick. Classic. Growing up in San Antonio, a place rife with hot peppers and salsas, pepper dick was not an uncommon occurrence. Usually it was just a dude who was eating a spicy thing then had to pee, but you know, shit happens. I heard about this cheerleader from the other high school that got fingerbanged by a guy after he had the habañero salsa on his Taco Cabana and she had to go to the hospital!! TOTALLY TRUE STORY!!!

Anyway, turns out capsaicin, the compound in chilis that gives them their pungency, is small enough that it can get through pores in latex, or so says the internet. Did you know there are a shit ton of chili-related message boards? I did not. But their collective wisdom is that if you're cutting something really hot, make sure to use rubber gloves, not latex ones.

Also, apparently, capsaicin molecules are not very soluble in water, so washing with water won't do much, but they do bond well with the casein molecules in milk. So I guess if this happens again, you should both soak your parts in milk. I'm not really sure about the logistics of a milk douche, nor does that sound like a great idea yeast infection-wise, but it's got to be better than pepper pussy. Other chili aficionado advice includes washing with tomato paste and white vinegar. Obviously they are talking about for hands but I assume it would work for wherever. It does seem like in this case prevention is optimal.

Dear Audrey,
Since I lost my job I have been too broke to go to the waxer, but I just hate hate HATE the feeling of stubble, especially in my "bikini areas." Am I goofy to try and wax myself at home? I feel kind of awkward asking a friend to help. Any advice?

You know, I have never attempted the home wax. I will say that I've never found bikini waxing (even all the way) to be as painful as some. I'd say go for it. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right? The hardest part seems like it would be getting up the sack to rip the cloth off in one go.

I could imagine that depending on how far you want to go with it, you might have trouble reaching certain areas. Like, I'm sure it's possible to wax one's own butthole, but it's not a beginner move to be sure. Try it and report back! Readers, any home waxing advice? In these still-troubled economic times, this lady can't be the only one.

FOR QUESTIONS or COMMENTS, The natural redhead can be reached at sex@thelmagazine.com

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